ColorChallenge: ThursdayGreen - "Kicking a Hornet's Nest" [11MinuteFreeWrite]
This is Part Four of my Steemit-exclusive, ColorChallenge-inspired, FreeWrite story series. No edits, no going beyond the designated time. I have the will to power through this challenge, will you stay and read along?
<< Part Three
Photo taken by yours truly in Siem Reap, Cambodia
XJ-1920 lit up with joy. She sprung from where she sat and embraced her daughter tightly. Tears fell down the side of her face, but she didn't even try to hold it in anymore. All of her fatigue and exhaustion were suddenly swept away. The longingness that made her feel empty was instantly sated by the scent of her offspring.
"Baby, I'm here," she reassured her daughter. "Mommy's here."
From a distance, her husband spotted the encounter. DS-1962, in turn, dropped the groceries he was holding and ran to his daughter's side.
"Get away from her!" he demanded while trying to wrest their daughter. "You have no right to be here."
"DS, please," she begged. "I just … I just want to explain."
"Explain what?" He successfully unclasped XJ-1920's grip, and pulled their daughter behind him. "How you broke every natural law?"
"Not in front of DX, please?" she beseeched. "Baby, look at me. Look at me, please?"
"DX-3002, go back to the house now and lock the door. Daddy and … mommy are just going to have a little talk, okay?"
"But, why can't mommy—"
"I said now!"
Their daughter reluctantly obeyed, dragging her feet toward their house. DS-1962 shot a deadly stare at his estranged wife, all the while gritting his teeth in anger. XJ-1920 stood up slowly, trying to compose herself.
"DS—"
"No! No, no, no. You don't get to talk to me after what you've done. Repeatedly, I might add."
"I, uh," she stuttered, coughing. "W-What do you want me to say?"
"Sorry, for starters."
"I'm sorry."
"No! That's just … That's not something you just say. You have to mean it—"
"I do!"
"Shut up! Let me finish!"
She bit her lip. There was nothing she could say to make things better. Their marriage was all but finished, and she knew that. The only reason why she wanted to reach out was to salvage her relationship with her daughter.
"Damnit! I forgot what I was going to say!"
"I told you to write it—"
"What did I say, huh?" He raised his arm, as if he was ready to slap her with the back of his hand. DS-1962 was furious. Several scenarios that involved him physically hurting her ran through his head, but he didn't act on it. After all, physical harm was against the law, and he wasn't keen on being anything but law-abiding. Instead, he slapped a nearby wall. "Why did you have to do it?"
"It's … I-I didn't mean to hurt you?"
"What was your intention then, huh? Did you intend for that to be a gift of some sort?"
"No, I … It's inexcusable. I can't explain it. This … This sexual deviant that you see before you. It's who I am. This … It's who I always was."
"I can't even look at you right now."
"I don't expect you to ever forgive me. Hell, I don't forgive me! I just want to … I don't know, I guess I just want to you to understand where I'm coming from."
"I loved you."
"And, I love you. I still do! I … I'm just not in love with you. Not that way."
"Did you ever?"
"Honestly? To tell you the truth, I really don't know. Ever since those government men took me, I don't … They must've done something to, I don't know, uninhibit me, if that makes any sense."
"Please leave," DS-1962 requested as he walked away. "I don't ever want to see you again."
"Wait, no!" she yelled right before she chased after him. "Please! Please just let me talk to our daughter."
DS-1962 slammed the door behind him and locked it almost instantly. Their daughter watched through a tiny slit in the curtains. XJ-1920 pounded on the door, trying to hold back from shouting. She didn't want to cause a scene, or else risk alerting the authorities of her presence.
XJ-1920 tried to talk to her daughter through the window, but she was constantly forbidden by her father to engage. She waited patiently, day and night, abiding by all the laws so as not to be arrested by the authorities. Having found a deviant-friendly place nearby, she took jobs to pay off her rent and to buy food. She came back from time to time, hoping to sneak in some bonding time with her daughter.
One morning, she was startled awake by a playful knock on her door. She hurriedly opened it, thinking it was her daughter, and was surprised to see who was waiting for her on the other side.
<< Part Three
Hey, my brother!
Man, I apologize profusely for the delay! I took a little time out from Steemit as other matters called. But it's cool because I can marathon you're excellent content and get the rush of reading everything through one time! And boy, you don't disappoint, my bro!
Imagine how you'd free if the world shunned you and even your family disowned your very existence. Creepy and unsettling. Yet you capture the atmosphere perfectly. This story is gaining momentum at a phenomenal rate. So, without further ado, on to the next part...
Awesome as always, my brother! :)
(p.s. @dreemit is a genius!)
You're a natural.
You're on the right track.
So interesting.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
No, no, no, no.
No... apologies necessary, brother man! Like I always say, the work is here waiting whenever you have time to spare. I see you've commented on what you've missed so I'm excited to see them sequentially. I hope you enjoyed reading! :D
In a way, I do feel it to some extent, especially in here. What keeps me going is the satisfaction I get and the tremendous support I've been given. Count yourselves among those awesome people, my bro! I wouldn't say this gained any sort of momentum, but it was a very revealing experiment for sure! But, thank you, brother! On to your next comment :D
PS @dreemit is a genius!
I'm impressed!
So interesting.
You've made my day.
Well done!
This is just perfect!
You're a superstar!
Very informative.
This is awe-inspiring.
So interesting.
You've made it look effortless.
This is a game-changer.
I'm speechless.
You've got the Midas touch.
Incredible work.
You've got an incredible gift.
This is absolutely epic!
that is a bad ass photo. I honestly couldn't think of anything more clever to say (it's late!) but I like it.
No worries! It's indeed a lot of things, but what it isn't is the inspiration for your own colorchallenge post hahaha!
hahah true, guess you'll have to work harder if you want to be my muse.
Oh man, these dares.. I always try to subconsciously win them haha!
Great chapter here! I remembered that I was reading a 'freewrite' when I read "Damnit! I forgot what I was going to say!" I run into that problem frequently, I just don't type it out! ;) It may have been an intentional part of the dialogue that you planned, I just saw it as the improv showing it's way into the story, breaking that 'fourth wall' as they say in theater.
I know I'm late getting around to commenting, I actually read this a couple of days ago, but had no time until now.
Thanks, brother! No comment is ever late for me, every comment is appreciate equally. Well, except for those 'nice post' ones, but that's a whole other can of worms.
What specific dialogue are you referring to? Yeah, I get what you mean. It's a really hard habit to shake off, isn't it? Normally, we would be able to mull over it, but with freewrites, there's simply no time haha!
Thank you for finding the time to comment, brother. I truly appreciate it :D
It was the line "Damnit, I forgot what I was going to say!" that sounded to me like the author (you) talking to the reader, but I may have misinterpreted that dialogue.
I do throw in those sneaky 4th wall breakers whenever I can, so I won't fault you for thinking that haha! It became such a habit that sometimes I do that as a reflex. Since this series was all reflex, yes. Associative property :D
It's all legal in the world of improv, 'I made that fourth wall, I'll break it if I want!'
Haha! That's good to know! Makes me feel a bit saddened when I realize I didn't break the rules with less. Less anarchistic, I feel.
Who! Who! Who!!!!! I admit. I have no idea!!
As much as I want to keep the suspense going, the next part has already been up for quite some time haha! I set the characters up exactly for this moment, to keep all my dear readers guessing haha! Could it be someone you've seen or is it a new player? Who knows! You don't, but you will, dude ;) I hope it was someone you weren't expecting. Fingers and toes are crossed.
I appreciate your enthusiasm with the story! Always so infectious :D
I saw it this morning on the train!!
I love being enthusiastic! :0)
Haha! I go through the replies in ascending order, so I have already replied commenting on your earlier comment by the time I read this comment. I should really improve how I tackle replies so that these make sense haha
And your enthusiasm is a treasure and a gift to the world, dude! I could already imagine you being so psyched as your precious little Boom Boy comes out. Your excitement will resonate to all the four corners of the world!
Well it's funny you should say that because I was thinking on the new boom a lot last night. Yes indeed when the event finally happens I will be over the moon!!
Lol, I go through the replies in ascending too. I think, oldest first. Except for this one because I saw it mention the order
Fearless Forecast: STEEM will rise in honor of the coming of Boom Baby #2 Will it rise to the moon? We shall see. We shall see!
We shall!! I sees it!!
I better get what little STEEM I have ready set to sell at $9 because I don't want to miss the mark when the ceiling drops from $10 haha!
Man, these are great. Went back and read them all from the start.
Great writing. I can't believe you were able to do these in 11 minutes.
Also on the techy side, I love how you created the links for the previous and next posts. Made going back and catching up on the story line unavoidable.
Oh man, that's awesome! Thank you!! Truly. It means a lot :D I can't believe I was able to write these in the time I was allotted as well. I just my hands take over. Everything else is reflex, so apologies if there are repeating words in there. My mind just shut down when I'm blitzing it.
Haha yeah, the navigation links. If I couldn't get tons of new readers, might as well make it easy for people who do get to read. Kind of like a marketing strategy, or growth hacking if you will :D
Thanks for stopping by, man! I appreciate it :D
It's the nurse! Isn't it? lol.
I understand the husband being hurt. Anyone who has been cheated on will be hurt. But even in the real world people withhold their children from their spouses because of cheating, and that is selfish. You are hurt, so you're hurting your children for it? Horribly selfish.
OH I JUST KNEW SOMEONE WOULD FIGURE IT OUT! HAHA I'm okay with confirming it because the next part is up. But, how did you figure it out, if I may ask?
YES. Oh my Glob, totally yes! I have never experienced it myself (thank Glob) but I've been known to be a great sounding board for problems, so I've heard all of the stories. I tried to mine from those to paint the scene. It is selfish, but while you're in the middle of it, it's really hard to keep a level head. While people will reason that they're sparing the children, really it's also a means to spite the cheating partner. Children should never have to pay for the sins of their parents.
Really though, I'm still shocked that someone guessed correctly haha! I had thought that I concealed it, but I guess it wasn't enough. The storyteller in you figured it out haha!
I'm impressed by your ability to put words together so quickly, I'm always editing as I write in progress is always quite slow. You have ended this well with the mystery who is on the other side of the door.
I used to be that way, rather, at time I'm still that way. But, my experience with NaNoWriMo has helped me overcome that constant editing. Have you ever tried that or have heard of that?
For the FreeWrites, I just have a basic premise in mind, and the destination where I want to go. When the clock starts, I throw caution to the wind and leave my fate to my fingers. We've written so much together, so I think they earned my trust from time to time.
Who indeed. I made it a point to introduce a great number of characters in the earlier parts, so as to keep people guessing. There's a possibility that it's a yet identified character, but that would be too cruel, and I'm not that kind of person. Or am I?
Thanks for reading, man! I appreciate your continued support for this :D
Great dialogue, I liked how it flowed and yet the angst and anger is there. XJ-1920 has lot of soul for someone with that name. You really feel for her. As for the husband (ex?), don't get me started! Love doesn't disappear that quickly, not from that, someone needs to have a stern word with him. Sad thing is, some people are like that, that's why its believable.
Good job. Looking forward to the next one.
I thought about doing a dialogue-heavy part for this story, so I'm glad that it turned out well! As you pointed out before, the name contrast is why I made it that way. It makes them seem like they came out of a factory, and even though there are laws that restrain their very emotions, they are bursting to the seams with it. I really acted out the scenes to make it more believable. You could imagine how little time I had to do that, so I'm glad it was still effective.
With regard to the husband, it's the first time they had the chance to talk ever since he discovered she cheated on him with women multiple times. She was painted in a bad light, but one that uncovered the truth. His anger stems from that, and his love hasn't totally faded, but it was tarnished for sure.
I know it's great when it passes your standards, so I'm happy I'm 4/4 for this series haha! Even if the final ones fail miserably, I would still have the majority haha! Thanks for your continued support, mate! I appreciate it more than I could express :D
Dialogue done right can be great. Move the story along, fill in details, show personality, etc. When not done right, well, it can bog a story down. Keeping the dialogue real is the challenge, I find. Like getting into the head of different people, and then conveying that through written word. It helps when you have multiple people already in your head! Mine keep me company at least. That's a plus.
So yes, I liked this one, it felt right. The husband's response was believable, given some people I have known, but extreme. Which emphasised the back and forth between them in a way that upped the dynamics of the story. It worked.
Awesome! This is so great to hear. I can't emphasize how much this sort of feedback means to me. Given this story was sort of done as a reflex, it's great that everything still worked. I really wanted this to shine a light to the dynamics and I'm glad it did. Thanks for the ups, mate!
Yeah, thank you for the kind compliments!
Wait, what? Who told you that you could come out during daylight?
It's evening somewhere else in the world. Plus, who are you to keep me at bay, you're not the boss of me!
Ugh, I can't even. Don't start with me, I'm warning. Sorry for this, mate. Carry on.
Ha, you're opening a can of worms there. Let the internal dialogue flow free, my friend.
Having discussed this with my own voices they tell me they have no idea what I am talking about.
Anyway, like you say, carry on.
Haha! That's why I put a lid on it before our internal voices have a conversation of their own. Once that happens, who knows what shenanigans they might get in to.
Excellent work dear friend @jedau, many emotions together in one place, as life itself, emotions found.
But who arrived? Had she been his ex-husband, perhaps his daughter? Well thought dear friend, the intrigue will kill us until tomorrow.
Thank you so much for another wonderful work.
I wish you a beautiful day.
Who, who, who, that is the question. I really made it so that people would be unsure who is at the door. I'm glad I succeeded with it. The identity of the knocker is revealed now. You can take a look when you find the time, my friend!
As always, thank you for your amazing support :D