How NOT to Behave on a Blind Date
How NOT to Behave on a Blind Date
As a rather mediocre looking guy you'd think I'd be more open to the idea of going on blind dates, after all, its statically more likely to work in my favor. Assuming, of course, a higher likelihood of disappointing my date rather than being disappointed myself can be construed as 'to my favor'. Unfortunately, the very trait which has conferred me this advantage has also cursed me with debilitating anxiety every time I come within 30 yards of any human female, restraining orders notwithstanding. Therefore, being put in a situation where the other party hasn't had a chance to judge beforehand that they'll at least be able to tolerate me over the course of an evening is so nerve racking I actually secretly prefer to be the disappointed party instead.
Spoiler: the only happy ending to this story is me going home to wank afterwards
Neither situation is ideal of course. You're signing up to a process where you're basically guaranteed to either have your expectations let down, or let down the expectations of someone else. Depending on the extent to which you're up yourself, you may have a slight preference one way or the other, but it's still going to be a lucky dip between two pools of shit of varying depth. I don't know why anyone would put themselves through this ordeal.
First Impressions
With these very positive thoughts bolstering my confidence, I went on a blind date for the first time ever last week. A mutual friend had set us up to meet at this casual restaurant for lunch. After waiting at the table for a few minutes staring longingly at any attractive woman who entered, even more so than usual, a stunningly gorgeous young lady in a classy black dress walked in and introduced herself as my date. She was surprisingly young, not in a Chris Hansen telling me to take a seat sort of way, but young compared to me. She was maybe 25, although it's difficult to tell with Asian women. It's not racist when I say it because some of my best blind dates were Asian. And I didn't know if young people ever go on blind dates anymore, unless they swipe right on a tinder profile of someone in a burqa. Ok, I don't have an excuse for that one.
You know your self esteem isn't high when you're not so much threatened by the competition as by your date herself. Either that, or I have deeply repressed homosexual tendencies of which I'm unaware. The moment I saw her, I knew I wasn't the disappointed party and that disappointed me. Still, she hid it well and after exchanging some pleasantries we quickly sat down to order.
Eternal nemesis to all first dates: the awkward silence
Icebreaker
We were at a Chinese restaurant. That wasn't an accident, I purposely chose it; not so much because I prefer Chinese food, but I find that their waiters are less likely to interact with you. I figured trying to convince a woman I'd never met before that I wasn't a deranged serial killer was going to take all of my Jedi powers, and I wouldn't have enough social skills left over to answer brain busters like 'are you pleased with the scallops, sir?'
I'm no good at small talk so I decided to escalate the conversation with what I thought at the time would have been a lighthearted icebreaker. In retrospect, I'd refer to the line as 'strike one'. It went like this: 'You know, I didn't bring a condom because Rob usually sets me up with girls with matching STDs.' She paused and looked at me for a second like she wasn't sure if she'd heard me properly. We went back to talking about the weather.
Strike 2
The conversation drifted awkwardly along shit's creek until it got to her education before taking another plummet down a waterfall of diarrhoea. I asked her what did she study, to which she answered with a hint of pride in her voice 'Dentistry at Monash,' which was the second most prestigious university in the city. Without even thinking, I replied 'Oh? So what was your first preference?'. I honestly didn't even realize I had said something dismissively offensive until I saw her smile fade. I think writing too many of these sorts of articles had caused me to transition from small talk mode to douche-bag mode without myself even noticing.
'Ahem, so how's being a dentist?' She didn't answer. Shit, I could really use a waiter to ask about the fucking scallops right about now.
So I'm Still Single
Yep, where can I sign up for 'How to be less of a dickhead' lessons?
We sat in silence for the next 10 minutes or so. Amazing how quickly you can eat your food when you're not held back by distractions like having a conversation with your date. Of course I finished my food, after all, I was going to pay for it. Or so I thought. When the bill came around, I was, how do I put it, a little short on fiat. I don't have a credit card and, as it turns out, at Little Jade Palace Steem isn't worth the hair between your ass. I was only $4 short and offered to pay for most of it, but she just swiped her VISA and declined my offer.
So that was the final strike. Yeah, three fucking guesses as to what base I ended up getting to with her.
Make me feel better, what was the worst date you've ever been on? Let me know in the comments below.
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From some of my friends that I considered assholes yet they seemed to always have dates, and yes they were not exactly in the attractive corner either... I can tell you in their case it was alcohol. I didn't drink alcohol then and don't drink it now, but one of them ended up being one of my roommates (there were four of us) in college. Of the four of us he was the only one that drank.
He had a game he had created with another friend (I consider them Dogs based upon how they act) of his that I don't know.
They would go to parties and see who could get slapped first by something they said.
It usually was tasteless things such as "Do you want to fuck, or should I apologize." He would talk about this grinning and I'd just slap my head or be shaking it as I stared at the floor.
He used to talk about the one night he was really happy with his victory. His line that got him slapped was "I love every bone in your body, especially mine." Now I wasn't there for ANY of these events, yet he was the type that liked to tell these tales fairly frequently.
Now why do I bring this up. Honestly he brought women home far more often than anyone else in that house. The rest of us didn't drink. We were more guarded, self conscientious, and shy at the time. Oh and one of us was still in the closet (not me). This was a long time ago.
Yet your entire piece made me remember that awkward foot and mouth people seem to be able to have relationships (yes, he did end up having one long term girl friend he met this way) but it seems in his case to have required alcohol and parties as an icebreaker.
So it is not a method I would particularly recommend. Now I do want to say he was a nice guy. His pickup lines and lewdness were probably he worst flaw. Yet somehow he made it work.
I myself never used pickup lines. I was myself, and said what I wanted to say. I was a little shy, but other than that I was fine. It must have worked out okay as I have six kids, and some grand kids.
Thank you anyway for making me sad for you, but laughing and shaking my head at the same time. That icebreaker of a line you used reminded me a great deal of this college roommate.
Oh yeah, he has been a parent and married for a long time too. I haven't spoken to him (just paths not crossed) in more than a decade, but last I spoke to him he was married and doing quite well.
That guy (your college mate) was a chaser. Chaser often have more .. uhhmm.. victims, than regular people who are careful and considering. Same thing as in other aspects of life... Nice story, loved it.
I didn't know a label... When it came to women I simply thought he was a Dog, a dick, an asshole, and a jerk.
haha those are some good lines, but i've heard of them before
I don't ever use memorized lines, except the ones that pop into my head and come out of my mouth before I even realize they were out
ya i'm probably fairly similar to your friend, can be lewd on the outside but really just quite introverted
I don't do great with girls, but if i'm honest I sort of enjoy not being great with them, it amuses me a little, I sort of feel that I observe my life rather than experience it sometimes
Back before web pages took off there were a few interesting things people would eventually find on college computers around the world on the early text only internet.
One of those was called the purity test. You would take that and it would ask you all kinds of things basically HAVE YOU DONE this and at the end it would give you a % of how pure you are. What usually happened is people would use it as something to inspire them with new things to try, and they actually tended to try to lower their purity scores.
Another thing you could find was the Cannonical list of pickup lines which had tons of crazy ones like that. They were never my thing either. I've never used a pickup line. I did laugh my ass off reading them though.
Both of those things are likely still all over the place on the internet, I didn't actually go search for them. I just am recounting memories.
Very funny! And come onnn: if your self-esteem was really that low, you wouldn't enjoy to write (or should I say invent) a story like this! :) Instead of that you probably would shamefully keep silent and 'pray' that never ever anybody would hear something about it.
I like your sense of humour and actually would not be surprised at all if in real life you and your girlfriend are having a good laugh together while reading all these worried comments about your loneliness and lack of self-esteem. :)haha people keep calling me out on making this story up
it's embellished but it's based on a couple of bad dates i've had in the past :)
I know exactly how you feel! lol
Those dates always tend to look like this...
perfect gif :)
Lol! Thanks:)
lol its good
i agreed
Youre hilarious, funny story, ending not so much but well its experience 😁
One of my worst dates was with a guy who had non existent sense of humor, like zero, almost like it was surgically removed out of him. I love ,,that's what she said,, jokes and made few of them during our few hrs chat and at some point he asked me ,,who's she, who are you talking about,, ... yeah i died slowly a little inside . It was most boring and deadly serious date 😁 and funny part he texts me sometimes for anothet date and he thought that was a great date
LLOLL 'who's she?'
that's hilarious
Don't leave us hanging ... who was she? Haha
Great article, very funny! lol
However, you just said the key point right there... "Have no expectations, and you'll have no disappointments." Just be chill and easy going, like you're hanging out with some friends, and if all goes well, you might just find yourself pleasantly surprised!
one question though..
then...
So were you referring to that one blind date?! lol
oh and one last thing, that opening line was really really terrible! (double lol)
hahaha thanks a lot of checking out my post, glad you get my silly sense of humor :)
I was on my sixth date with a woman and her phone rang: it was her boyfriend, and she exchanged sweet nothings with him and then told him that “she loved him”
When she hung up, I had no idea what to feel and what to think of her. What to think of myself.. She didn't bother to explain at first, as if testing me, and then tried explaining, but things just got weirder and weirder... Was probably the most uncomfortable sleepover I've ever had.
The ending?
Well, I figured she needed time to sort her life out and I didn't have time for mind games.
woah you deserve a gold medal there buddy
I don't think many people can top that, I certainly can't
Medal received, with thanks
Hi Trafalgar, that was a very funny article, however, you didn't need to be self deprecating, your achieved your end with aplomb.
I had a terrible blind date way back when, it was with a girl of Magalayan origin (North East India) who looked Asian also as they do in that part of India. She was very beautiful and sophisticated, her mother was a doctor and her father was a lawyer both in US and she was studying law in London.
She chose the restaurant, a top London boutique Sushi spot. I had never had Sushi before, but I really liked fish so I was all for it.
I'll cut to the chase, I had recently been to Mexico, and considered myself well travelled for my age at the time. When the extremely intricate and attractive food started being presented too us, I was particularly interested in one item that I was sure, under the dim lights of our table I recognised and knew I would enjoy. When the moment came and my date gestured to tuck in, well, I grabbed a desert spoon and transferred a healthy sized spoonful of what I thought was guacamole to my salivating mouth.
Moments later, my ignorance was clear, I felt my head was about to explode - I had eaten a table spoon full of top grade wasabi - looking at my date, who did not laugh, but rather looked on in stony horrified silence, I knew it was over for me - her favourite food was being mocked by an idiot in her eyes. In my reality, I just wondered if I would survive this chemical weapon attack!
I did survive and I learned an important lesson - that is the important thing - t learn from our idiocy and never assume we are worldly wise or funny.
Good luck with your future dating.
hahaha that's hilarious
shame she didn't find it amusing though or you would have hit it off, a little pompous of her :p
Yes, in hindsight, I probably dodged a bullet.
Come on bro, you are straight doing it to yourself. By now you probably know where you are messing up. I have no filter at all and am sarcastic as shit and know that some jokes need to get tucked for later in the night and that's assuming she is down with the sarcastic banter, which you'll have an idea by then.
What I am really trying to figure out is how the Freak you have some many followers after only 3 months and literally have club whale voting, apparently I missed the freaking memo somewhere and did not go to the meeting of the skulls secret society....lol
haha I think I just got lucky with my timely investment
I don't network at all, just concentrate on my content, and I only post once every 2 days max to let other people have a fair go at the rewards pool
I wouldn't bother posting anyhting unless i believed my content had something to add to the platform, so that's my advice, concentrate on content, takes me like 7 hours to put together a pretty short post
No doubt man. Yeah I do my best to post value add content. Occasionally I drop in something social. Keep up the good work.
To be honest, you had to find out if she could handle your sense of humor. Now imagine if she had a witty response to 'You know, I didn't bring a condom because Rob usually sets me up with girls with matching STDs.' If she had, you would have known in 10 seconds that you had met your soul mate.
And if she responded "have them all"... well that would have saved you some time as well.
By the end of joke two, you knew she wasn't a "love connection". Better to find out fast my man.
Worst date ever... its been a while. I will need to think about that one.
haha I mean I'm not looking for Oscar Wilde, but a bit of a silly sense of humor would go a long way
ahh well, plenty of other fish who'll despise me in the sea
Very true... but it only takes one crazy enough to say yes!