Some Abigail-reading-time after I just got home from a weekend with my family:)

Reflection time:
➺ Have you ever found yourself responding judgmentally towards someone who was in clear distress?

Smile. My answer: yes. Absolutely.
It's really a great task to not do that. In my practice I am aware not falling into this trap. Within personal relationships it's much harder.

In German, we distinguish between the terms "empathy" ("with-feeling") and "pity" ("with-suffering") in normal usage. While compassion (empathy) allows me to maintain a healthy distance from what happens to another person, which is beneficial for my subjective sense of well-being, pity makes me feel too close and, as a result, I find myself under the same stress as the other is experiencing. This distinction may not be generally accepted, but it is likely to be widespread among pedagogues and social workers, counsellors and therapists.

So one could understand the statement "To go into someone's shoes is to take his shoes" in this way: If someone else's pain makes me walk in his shoes so much that I melt with pity and make his pain my own, then I don't see that person anymore, I only see myself and my own pain. The other person's pain is then no longer of special importance to me, because I identify myself completely with the pain I have observed.

If, for example, a friend grieves to death and desperately reports something that has happened to her and I slip into my own grief because of the grief she has suffered, then I am no longer of help to her, I cannot be, because I reactivated my own despair and helplessness in this moment. For example, if in this state I advised her to do something drastic, I would probably not really speak to my friend, but let my own feelings dominate, which made me consider this or any other unthought-through action.

I believe that this happens very often and that we take over other people's shoes to put them on. There is a funny saying here: "Don't put on that shoe". By that we actually mean that we should leave something (take a distance) to something that doesn't suit (us).

But to feel like we're walking in each other's shoes is different. It is to be able to change perspective and imagine feelings in the right measure of the other without feeling exaggerated suffering. I would say compassion (empathy) resists a judgment about someone's situation. If I manage to free myself from a judgment, then I don't advise and I don't suggest how another person can change his situation, but my interest is in the self-regulating forces of the other person. I ask: "What do you intend to do? How do you want to deal with it?" or "What have you done in order to get better in a former situation, similar to this?" Or I don't say anything at all and think about what would be good for the other person to do for him. For example a hug or silence or holding the hand. I must know him and know what he would like and only do this if I do not force it on myself.

In my training this was one of the traps discussed, into which a consultant can be drawn. If I notice that I am getting into the stress of another, then it is advisable to distance myself internally in order to keep a clear view of the situation. Nevertheless, I can feel deep compassion. Because without it I would not be able to respond appropriately to the emotional situation of my counterpart. For example, I don't need to melt with sadness when a client tells me about a recently deceased person. But I do remember what helped me in this or a similar loss. There is a difference whether I think of cried through nights or of what was healing for me to get over a loss.

The same applies to moments of bliss of others. For example, if someone enthusiastically tells me about his success, I don't have to jump into the air myself and dance through the room screaming, it's enough to heartily congratulate the other for the happiness he has experienced and to mean it.

Have a good week, Abi!