How Shame Disconnects Us From Ourselves
When we consciously try to push away our feelings, they may fade from our immediate awareness. However, they do not actually disappear. Instead, they continue to exist in our unconscious mind.
This suppression can drain our energy and lead to negative emotions like anxiety or depression. It can also create a general sense of unhappiness that is often hard to pin down. One underlying reason for this distress could be a quiet but persistent feeling of shame.
Shame is a complex and deeply rooted emotion. It often hides in the background of our minds, affecting how we see ourselves and how we interact with others.
Brene Brown, a well-known author and researcher, describes shame as a painful feeling that arises from believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and connection.
This belief can stem from our past actions, failures, or experiences. When we feel shame, we may withdraw or avoid reaching out to others.
According to Gershen Kaufman, an expert on shame, this emotion creates a disconnection in our relationships. He refers to it as "the breaking of the interpersonal bridge."
When we are gripped by shame, we go to great lengths to hide our perceived flaws. This need to protect ourselves often results in defensiveness and distrust, making it difficult to form deep connections with those around us.
An early memory illustrates how powerful shame can be. When I was about six years old, my cousin told me that eggs were for babies. He was a year older than I was, and I admired him. His declaration felt like a revelation, exposing a secret my parents had kept from me.
I loved eggs but couldn’t bear the thought of being seen as a baby. That thought filled me with shame, and I was determined to appear more mature.
My belief in my cousin's supposed wisdom only grew stronger. Why would he lie? I wanted his approval more than anything. So, I accepted his statement as truth. In an effort to change my mind, my mother eventually asked my aunt to intervene.
Reluctantly, my cousin admitted that eggs are not just for babies and that he himself eats them. But by then, the damage was done.
I was left in confusion but was certain of one thing: I did not want to be labeled a baby. The thought was too shameful for me to bear. I continued my egg-free diet for several more years, wanting to avoid any association with being childish.
This experience highlights how deeply shame can influence us, especially in childhood. The very fact that I remember this incident so vividly confirms what many therapists recognize: shame can act like a form of trauma. It is a strong feeling that sticks with us.
Once it embeds itself in our minds and bodies, it begins to shape our behaviors and personalities. We crave acceptance and want to be liked and respected by others.
Recognizing how shame works is crucial. It can even be seen in larger groups, such as religious or political cults. Leaders often wield shame as a tool to keep people in line. They isolate those who question beliefs and shame anyone who steps out of line.
This ensures that their followers remain committed, even when faced with clear evidence that contradicts the group's teachings.