How Your Thinking Creates Your Reality

Many people find the notion that “we create our reality” to be offensive. They often interpret this idea as a way of blaming victims for their circumstances. When faced with hardship, no one wants to be told that they are in some way responsible for what has happened to them. This perspective is understandable and valid. However, after working in cognitive therapy for over 15 years, I can also affirm that we have a significant role in shaping our own realities. Acknowledging this active role allows individuals to reclaim their sense of power.

In my practice, I explain to clients that life can be divided into three areas: things we control, things we can influence, and things beyond our control.

The category of things we cannot control includes many random and unpredictable events. For instance, we do not choose the families we are born into, and we cannot foresee natural disasters like earthquakes or pandemics. Similarly, we have no say over personal misfortunes such as illness, job loss, the passing of loved ones, or unexpected accidents like car crashes. These are all unavoidable circumstances that happen to us, regardless of our desires.

Then, there are situations where our actions can influence others. For example, if you enter a room and see a stranger, your decision to greet them with a smile will typically yield a different response than if you approach them with aggression.

However, even though you can influence the situation, you do not control how that person may respond. They might smile back, ignore you, or react negatively.

The most crucial area in which we create our own reality lies in the things we can control. This involves our perceptions, interpretations, and the thoughts we have about events in our lives.

These thoughts directly shape our feelings about those events and influence how we choose to behave in response. No one else can dictate your thoughts or actions; they are firmly within your grasp.

Consider the scenario where a significant other ends a relationship. If your immediate thought is, “I will never find love again,” you are likely to feel very negative emotions, such as sadness and hopelessness.

This could lead to behaviors that match those emotions, like withdrawing from social interactions or staying in bed all day. On the other hand, if you reframe your response with a thought like, “I’m glad this person is no longer in my life,” you will probably feel and act in a much more positive way. The power to choose your thoughts lies with you.

This is where the concept of creating your reality becomes even more profound. Your repeated thoughts can solidify into beliefs. These beliefs act as a lens through which you view and interpret your world. They filter your experiences, leading you to notice only evidence that supports what you already believe.

For example, if your belief after a breakup becomes, “I’m not attractive enough,” and you attend a gathering where ten people compliment you while one person makes a neutral comment about your outfit, you may focus solely on that one negative comment.

This can trigger a cascade of negative thoughts about yourself, leading you to think, “Why can’t I dress well?” or “No wonder my ex left me.” You may completely disregard the positive affirmations from the other guests. Your brain, influenced by your belief, has become selective about the input it acknowledges.

This selective filtering, commonly referred to as priming, operates on a model that activates certain thoughts while inhibiting others. When your mind is set to look for specific outcomes, it can drown out perspectives that challenge your existing beliefs.

This is one reason why people experiencing depression often perceive the world as much more bleak. Their established beliefs distort their view, making them believe that their understanding of reality is the only valid one.

Many individuals do not recognize that they are, in effect, constructing their own version of truth through this process.

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