Why I Almost Quit Steemit

I've been on Steemit for a little over a month now. In the beginning, I couldn't wait to get up in the morning to write a new post and comb hashtags for new people to meet and follow. I was so excited to find a community that inspired me to write and be creative and rewarded me for doing so. But that is slowly fading away.

I've suffered from clinical depression (also known as major depressive disorder) since I was a child. I was officially diagnosed when I was seventeen but had had symptoms for years. When I was a kid, it manifested through irritability and anger issues. As a teen, through self-harm and a suicide attempt. And now as a young adult, through a million different ways. Three days ago I stopped my art and gaming stream midway through because I couldn't hold back senseless tears. Two days ago I had a complete meltdown while just trying to make dinner. Yesterday I wondered about the reactions of my friends and family if I decided to kill myself. Today I didn't want to get out of bed. I've lost interest in all the things I loved doing, as per usual during a depression episode for me. Last month I was actively tending to my garden and falling in love with the magic that comes from being around thriving little plants plants. Today my flowers are dying. Last month I was throwing myself head first into my art and gaming career. Today makes the third day I haven't turned on my stream. Last month I woke up every morning to walk around to play Pokemon GO. Today is another day I've just stayed inside. Last month I was having so much fun blogging and commenting on others' posts. Today I almost didn't log onto Steemit. Depression takes away my motivation and my creativity. It makes every simple daily task seem mentally exhausting. It's similar to the feeling you get during your last sit-up during a workout. When you know that your body can't go any longer, and you have to rest. My brain is on its last sit-up. And I hate it. I hate sleeping til 3 PM because I can't think of a good enough reason to get up. I hate going directly from lying on my bed to my couch and then back to bed. I hate that I'm losing interest in everything I loved. I hate having "most painless ways to die" in my search history.

People don't understand that you don't have to have a reason to be depressed. There is nothing wrong with my life. I love my apartment and my pets and my friends and my garden and my boyfriend of five years. Depression doesn't need a cause. The majority of people suffering from depression have no reason to be suffering. My world is going on as usual but my brain is just wrapped in this cold, dull fog that I can't seem to shake. Sometimes the fog will clear. After I graduated high school, my depression seemed to ease up and disappear. It was essentially dormant for a few years. Then it came back last winter. I managed to just wait it out until it went away and everything went back to normal. I started painting and cooking and going out and laughing again. I was back to my usual happy self. Someone who enjoys every minute of being alive and spreading positivity and making art and radiating love. Now it's back and even worse. I'm realizing that this is potentially something I will have to deal with my entire life, and that is so scary. The majority of people diagnosed with major depressive disorder have recurring episodes throughout their life, and I am no exception.
Scientists are still studying the biological cause of depression but have narrowed it down to the hippcampus and its neurons. Its been found that someone dealing with depression will have a smaller hippocampus than a mentally healthy person. I found this article by Medical Daily that explained a bit of the biology relatively well.

Scientists suspected low levels of serotonin, the neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of elation and happiness, was the cause. When they fed depression patients drugs filled with serotonin, some of them started feeling better, so they thought they had it all figured out, but then they took a closer look and realized there was something irregular about their hippocampus. This seahorse-shaped structure in the brain is responsible for memory and emotion, and those who were depressed tended to have smaller ones. Even worse, the longer they were depressed, the smaller the hippocampus shrunk in size, ultimately limiting its ability.

Even with this readily available information, people still believe that depression is still something you can just 'snap out of.' I wish I had a dollar for every time someone told me happiness is a choice. I would love to be happy again. I am usually a happy person who is excited about life. If I could magically turn back into that person, don't you think I would? I hate feeling like this. I don't think anyone would continue dealing with this if they could just snap out of it. I'm so tired of this stigma. When Robin Williams committed suicide, I was devastated and heartbroken. But I thought that one good thing would come out of it. I hoped that people would finally wake up and realize that this is a serious illness that kills people. It killed someone we all thought to be the definition of happiness. One in ten people will suffer from depression at one point in their lives. One in ten of you. I encourage all of you to educate yourself on the warning signs of depression and how to help someone who is suffering because one day you or someone you love will probably have to deal with it.

I was hesitant to write this. I want people to see the happy, cheerful, vibrant side of me all the time but sometimes I think it's good to talk about the hard stuff. I'm sorry to all my Steemit friends whose posts I've been neglecting. I usually love to read all of your posts and writings and see your art, but lately I haven't really been on Steemit too much. I promise I'll catch up once I'm feeling better. I'm just ready to get back to normal. I'm not normally a negative person, and I just want to get back to enjoying the little things. I just have to keep reminding myself that everything has its cycle. The moon, the butterflies, the seasons, and even me. I'm just dealing with my own personal winter right now. I'm just really looking forward to my Spring.
All pictures from Pixabay.