Comedy Open Mic Round 12: Girl Power

You know the they-are-too-serious stigma that follows medical students everywhere? Voila! I happen to be plagued by it. To be honest, I have no business here but a girl has to hustle. My bank account is currently reading N7000 (which is less than twenty dollars btw) and my mother did not waste nine months for her daughter to be living on garri, bread and water. Besides, there is also that important fact that I'm Igbo and if you know us, you will know that the fatter our accounts, the more we hustle. After all, an iPhone X does not come with free data, neither does a G wagon run on water.

Back to the matter. I think parents should really stop sending their children money in bulk. It is a mistake. I repeat, IT IS A MISTAKE! How do you think I ended up in this situation? Everybody will be crying 'i don't have money...I need cash' and I will be busy disbursing my mother's hard earned money like it's the national budget. I kept telling myself that they are my friends and they will do the same. My people, that is the biggest scam. Ever since my account balance went below N10,000, I stopped getting calls o. I was honestly beginning to suspect that my bank was sending my friends my alerts too. How else could they be so up-to-date in my financial affairs??? Even one free plate of rice with no meat, my eyes have not seen, but when my account was dancing, I practically fed an entire nation. I really should have written their names down when I was acting like Santa.Maybe I would have been able to appeal to their conscience. If they even have any. People are just wicked in this life.

When my account started going red, na waka I begin dey waka. Any advert I saw, I applied for it. I was a cook, a cleaner, a makeup artist, an event planner, a publicist... Still, I had to draw a line when I was handed the stripper flier. I never craze reach like that. Before my mother will show up at work on one of the nights with a bus full of priests and exorcists to bind and cast the evil demons. I wanted to do legit work initially, but you know how this life is. It wasn't working. No pure hustle can fetch you quick money. Of course, the issue of G (scamming people) came up and I nursed the idea until a neighbour of mine was bundled from his home into a beaten-up police truck. Brethren, that was how that chapter closed o. Orange is not even nice for my skin colour and I can barely survive secondary school flogging. Is it now prison mass beating that I will take? Please I'm too young and good looking to die😁😁

Ehe, as I was saying, it occured to that I could steal from the thieves...you know...G on the G... It was a perfect plan. All I had to do was offer sex for money and pull q disappearing act after the money hit my account. Just in a more persuasive and less brash way than it sounds. The plan was just perfect. The subject was selected. The young guy was a complete broke ass just 6 months prior to that time, and he suddenly hit the jack pot. The boy that used to trek now had a driver for his range rover. His 'Guci' had changed to real Versace and all his 'Nikek' shoes had been been trashed. He now wore the real PUMA, not the one my Aba brethren made just behind my house. The guy was now fresh, but I had to constantly remind myself that he was a thief all the same. I needed to justify my actions every step of the way.

And that was how I dressed up and went to this club I knew he would be in. I danced with every male (even the bouncer) except him. I watched him throw a few notes at me, but I stepped over them. I had my eyes on the price. So did he. After fronting and letting him make passes at me, I told him I had to go home. I watched his eyes fall slightly. He was disappointed, but he still paid a cab to take me home. The next few days, he called persistently until I took his call. After so many 'why did you not pick my call' questions, I finally said I had misplaced my iphone. As if the lie repulsed even me, I looked down at the Nokia torchlight I had been using for years and shook my head. I guess it was time for a change. New man, new beginning. As if it was a joke, new Bobo sent me the money immediately after I had sent my account details. Of course, I promised to see him that night at one of the hangout spots in GRA. As I planned how to spend the money and I also put plans in place for blocking him. I knew his type would want his pay as soon as possible and I could not offer it. The boy was just too young and skinny for me. I would feel like an overpaying cougar who is into 14 year olds. So I blocked his number and deleted it for emphasis. I had promised myself that it was the first and last time I was playing such a stunt. Besides, I was 300,000 naira richer and I could not wipe the smile off my face.

People of the most high, do you know that karma is just evil? I was at the ATM line, bragging to my friend over the phone while waiting to withdraw my small fortune when I mistakingly hit a girl's hand and heard something topple to the ground. The screaming from the girl that followed stunned me. She had just acquired the iphone that was previously in her hand and was only on the line to purchase a data plan for her internet. I was dead. How would I pay her? Since I had already revealed my account balance to the entire queue, lying that I had no money was going to be fruitless and abysmal. Na so I just jejely transfer the money give the girl. It was a sorrowful experience, almost like a real burial.

So here I am, cashless, manless, hopeless.

Shout out to these amazing people
@roelandp, @ngc, @comedyopenmic, @dj123, @nonameslefttouse, @dandesign86 / @bluetower, @carlgnash, @take5, @ilt-yodith, @punchline, @steemwizards, @trafalgar, @meesterboom, @dreemit, @redlipstick, @thedailylaugh, @flipstar, @steemmatt, @bitfiend, @thevillan, @jedi-won, @belemo, @jasonshick, @diebitch, @ubongj, @bitfiend, @holybranches, @lunasilver, @cemke, @amirtheawesome1, @samueldouglas, @buttcoins @steem9ja @gamsam. This is me trying to make new friends.