Copy Clinic - Would You Trust this Corporation?
Context
Hello everyone. I'm working on a script for a new animation. It's based on a passage written by Michael Huemer. Ultimately the video will be published on YouTube, and I hope for it to be spread widely through social media.
The primary kind of viewer I have in mind is in their teens or twenties. They can follow English well, but are not necessarily a native speaker. This person leans to the left politically, but their political views are mainly a reflection of their immediate social environment rather than outcomes of study and careful reflection.
I'd like your critical feedback on the script below. What do you think isn't working well (and ideally, why)? What could make it better? What does work well? Please feel free to suggest alternative titles too if you have any in mind.
All feedback is very much appreciated, including comments I'll end up not taking action on. Thanks in advance for your time and attention if you choose to respond!
Would you trust this corporation?
Anarcho-capitalism is a hypothetical way a society could be arranged. Under this order there are no public services. All services are provided by private firms instead.
Many find the anarcho-capitalist vision troubling because they distrust corporations. It’s an understandable concern. Here’s a suggestion for reflection:
Imagine someone proposing that the key to social justice and solution to corporate greed was to establish a gigantic corporation, much larger than any other—a corporation with revenues in the trillions of dollars.
A corporation with a monopoly on some extremely important market which it used to extend its control into other markets.
And hired men with guns to force customers to buy its product at whatever price it chose. And periodically bombed the employees and customers of corporations in other countries.
Would we predict that this corporation, more than any other, could be trusted to serve our interests and to protect us both from criminals and from all the other corporations?
If someone proposed to establish a corporation like this, would your doubts disappear if you learned that every adult would be issued one share of stock in this corporation, entitling them to vote for members of the board of directors?
Is the governmental system really very different from this scenario?
Should we trust the institution of national government to selflessly serve and protect the rest of society?
I'm hearing the blue cloud lady voice in my head as I'm reading the words :)
Look at ways to simplify your wording. We critical thinkers try to be very precise, to avoid misinterpretation. To your target market that can make us sound like politicians, who they intrinsically distrust. Ironic I know.
'George ought to help' had very simple wording and great penetration.
I agree. I'll look for ways to make the language (even) simpler.
I hear the blue cloud lady too :-) I would suggest sharpening the first sentence and also maintaining the absurd "what if" proposition by using a conditional tense. e.g: "Imagine someone proposing that the key to social justice was to establish a gigantic corporation? Much larger than any other, this corporation would have revenues in the trillions of dollars... it would have a monopoly on some extremely important market...and it would have men with guns to force customers...". (All the ellipses indicate text to remain as is)
I love the message here, but two things stand out in the first two sentences: the idea that society needs to be arranged and that anarcho-capitalism is just another order. Both suggest central planning, and most leftists would say, if we're gonna arrange our society anyway, let the government do it. But I'm not even sure you need that first paragraph because it doesn't move your message forward. In fact, you could delete the first two and still retain all the content you need for this particular message.
I think I might end up doing that, thanks!
Cool! But how did you edit this piece after it was posted? (I haven't figured out how to do that.)
Under my posts, at the bottom right I see 'Reply Edit Share' links. Clicking the 'Edit' one does the trick.
this is amazing.
But, some immediate thoughts I had, that people will no doubt bring up, are that "oh we choose our corporate officers, so it's ok"
and "oh the employees of the corporations are limited by the articles of incorporation that say that can't do these things and they must do these other things"
Thanks @erroneous-logic!
Perhaps I'm overlooking something but I thought this kind of objection was addressed by this passage:
Your next bit:
Ah yes. Perhaps it would be an option to include something about trusting the megacorp to police itself and its employees.
Thanks for your time and feedback!
Ok, the voting thing is there, but rather than just saying that the corp would police itself, do include that it's limited in what it can do by the articles of incorporation, and it has a special committee that is appointed to examine any apparent conflicts with the articles to determine if a specific action is ok, plus the part about it policing itself and the employees in accordance with the articles
Ah I guess I can't edit older posts, that's a shame. A big thanks to everyone who's responded, the comments have been very useful! Here's the current newest version of the script (feedback remains welcome):
Would You Trust this Corporation?
Imagine being told that the key to social justice is to set up a gigantic corporation.
Much larger than any other, this corporation will have trillions of dollars in revenues.
It will have a monopoly on some extremely important market which it will use to extend its control into other markets.
It will hire men with guns to force customers to buy its product at any price it chooses.
And it will regularly bomb the employees and customers of corporations in other countries.
Would you trust this corporation, more than any other, to work in the best interest of society; to not abuse its power, to protect us from criminals, and from all the other corporations?
You might have some doubts.
Then imagine learning that every adult will be given one share of stock in this corporation, allowing them to vote for members of the board of directors.’
Would this put your doubts to rest?
Are national governments very different from this gigantic corporation? Can they be trusted to selflessly serve and protect the rest of society?