The Dangers of PYPT - A Kimchi Rant: Ulog [#001] - Comedy Open Mic Round #30

Minding my own freaking business in PYPT listening to @shadowspub - adding my stupid little .02 cents here and there in chat and then BAM! My life forever changed - an entire day of my life I shall NEVER recoup, taste buds dying a horrible death.

Of what do I speak? That damn "friend" of mine @dreemsteem and her God-forsaken Kimchi "recipe". The girl has the gall to title the damn thing, "You are so welcome for this kimchi recipe! ", welcome my ass.

As she was a-pimpin' said kimchi recipe, @bluefinstudios and I were quipping back and forth about how gross kimchi was. He agreed with me... I agreed with him, until that damn Dreemie starts in, "but TAAHHMAALAAA - it's HEALTHY - you have to like it cause - it's HEALTHY, FERMENTED, GOODNESS."

And there she did it! SHE UP AND USED MY TRIGGER WORD!!!! - 'HEALTHY'! Unfair play at the highest levels and G-dammit she knows it. Spineless health nut that I am I relented. "Ok, ok, ok! You've pressured me into it - I'll try it."

Mistake #1 - agreeing to something on-air in PYPT where it's recorded for all to hear.

Seriously? This dish is usually made and buried in the ground to ferment.... buried.....good idea.... and then leave it there, I'm sure it would have some fertilizer benefit. But then again, why go through the 10 hours of chopping shit up to make fertilizer?

Next, when @Dreemsteem suggests this julienne peeler thingy, it shouldn't be taken as a suggestion..... but a demand, a law, a non-negotiable.

Was I intending to spend my WHOLE DAY making kimchi? ... No,no, I was not, and yet I did, why?

Lack of the damn julienne peeler thingy - Mistake #2.

So there I am, the very next Thursday, after procuring what I THOUGHT were the correct ingredients, while listening to PYPT, I began the Kimchi experiment.

I'm confused, I'm unsure, I'm lost.... I'm direct messaging Dreemie:

tamala 9:52am <--Note what time all this shenanigans begins:
Do you leave the kimchi out to ferment or put it in the refrigerator or do the hybrid method of the original recipe girl?

dreemsteem 9:53am:
I put in fridge, Cuz it's gonna keep fermenting. That will make it slower.

tamala 10:05am:
Wait - she says to rinse the salt off the cabbage after the hour and half? yes? no? Now you're regretting the kimchi post aren't ya 😂 and shaming me into it.

dreemsteem 10:09am:
Yes - no hahahahaha i'm not regretting at all LOL I love that you're trying it
ask away!!!! honestly!
I was just posting in PYPT
I mean pimping hahaha.

tamala 12:43pm <--notice the time- almost 3 hours in!:
First I'm going to kill you.....
second I'm STILL doing this damn kimchi
third 2.5 CUPS of red pepper flakes? Really?

This, obviously is where it all went off the rails. I blame myself....but I blame Dreemie more.

Two and a half cups of red pepper flakes? In what universe was I thinking that 2.5 cups of red pepper was a good idea? I was apparently under some kind of witchcraft concocted by our own @Dreemsteem - I just can't explain it any other way.

I am not a red pepper flakes virgin. I KNOW red pepper flakes, I have cooked with red pepper flakes, I have NEVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE used TWO AND A HALF CUPS of red pepper flakes until this f-ing kimchi.

What was I thinking? Like this magic blend of particular vegetables and the weirdness that is "porridge" made from sweet rice flour is going to somehow abate the soul consuming fire that is 2.5 cups of red pepper flakes?

Mistake #3 - Not utilizing years of culinary experience and listening to Dreemie.

And on a side note. Now I've got 2 boxes of this sweet rice flour in my pantry. 1/2 cup of this stuff in the 3 cups of water explodes into this strange gelatinous mess - think mucous en masse. But not the green infected kind, the white and copious kind. I digress.

Now, days later, after Dreemie's witchcraft has worn off I have the bright idea to go check another kimchi recipe. You know, like a regular recipe, like a normal person, like the one off Epicurious.com Traditional Napa Cabbage Kimchi You know how much that recipe calls for? 1/2 Cup - ONE HALF CUP - 1/5 the Amount in Dreemies recipe - ONE FIFTH!!!!

And then the fails just continue.....

Tamala 12:54 PM: *sends wine picture*

dreemsteem 12:54 PM: ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL You have no idea how hard i'm laughing

Tamala 12:54 PM <--Notice I did not start drinking wine until after noon - possibly the only win of the day:
Ok - it has stressed me out to the point of wine 😂

dreemsteem 12:55 PM:
That doesn't look like a lot of cabbage LOL.

Tamala 12:55 PM:
That is one head of regular green.

Tamala 12:55 PM:
Was it supposed to be 2? Have I failed already?

dreemsteem 12:55 PM:
A regular green?!?!?!
Its supposed to be napa! hahahahaha
I cut up like 4 napa cabbages LOLOLOL

Tamala 12:56 PM:
Regular green - couldn't find napa so I said screw it.

Mistake #4 - wrong cabbage and not enough of it.

dreemsteem 12:56 PM:
Ok - but - its fine!
LOLOLOLOL I can't stop laughing

Tamala 12:56 PM:
Damn PYPT!

dreemsteem 12:56 PM:
You know what it stands for right??? LOL
Pressure Your Peer Thursday 😉
hehehehehe winningggggggggg

Tamala 1:14 PM:
Wait, wait, wait - when do I add the porridge in?

dreemsteem 1:14 PM:
You leave the porridge - and add the sauce - and flakes to that.
Did you NOT read my post?!?!?!?!

Tamala 1:15 PM:
I'm following your post step by step! My porridge is in the fridge and there's no further mention.

Read the post here and you tell me.

dreemsteem 1:15 PM:
Yeah - you mix it in to make the sauce. The red flakes - the sugar - the flour the water - the fish sauce - that's the sauce stuff.

Sugar? I saw no sugar in this recipe.... I digress and continue

Tamala 1:15 PM:
Ok, porridge, fish sauce, all that shit and flakes. Here we go.

dreemsteem 1:16 PM:
I almost choked on my drink.

Tamala 1:18 PM:
Now I'm coughing, sneezing and choking from the peppers - seriously this is the hardest most deadly recipe I've ever attempted!

dreemsteem 1:19 PM:
LOLOLOLOL Its good for you.
Puts hair on your chest.

Tamala 1:23 PM:
Shit! My Vitamix couldn't even mix it up AND I'm still sneezing uncontrollably - this is FUN (NOT)!

dreemsteem 1:25 PM:
I don't .... the sauce...
I mix it by hand mix what? I'm so confused with what you are doing right now LOLOL

Tamala 1:27 PM:
Wait what? I thought all that went in the blender? And what am I going to do with all this?
Your confused? Think what I’m feeling...
While sneezing....

dreemsteem 1:28 PM:

What is this?

Tamala 1:28 PM:
NO CLUE!

dreemsteem 1:29 PM:
Is this the cabbage too????

Tamala 1:29 PM:
No that's just the sauce - I didn't spend all that time cutting shit up to just put it in the blender.

dreemsteem 1:29 PM:
I am laughing so hard
no blender!!!! You weren't supposed to blend it only the garlic and ginger and onion. You did not read my post at all hahahahaha.

Tamala 1:30 PM:
Like seriously it's like 3 hours later (correction MORE THAN 3 hours) and I'm still messing with this shit.

dreemsteem 1:30 PM:
ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
I have been laughing for 25 minutes straight
I'm light-headed now.

Can I consider that some type of payback at least? At least I've made her dizzy while she has practically murdered me.

Tamala 1:32 PM:
My flakes are actually flakey not powder.

dreemsteem 1:32 PM:
Right, flakes!

Tamala 1:32 PM:
Well not anymore I Vitamixed those bad boys into oblivion.... oops.

dreemsteem 1:34 PM:
Add the sauce until you think it looks "good", taste it too - see if you like the spice and flavor and it will get more and more tart as time goes on and the juices start to mix and ferment the flavor develops more and more but i like it the first day.

Spice and flavor? What flavor?

Tamala 1:39 PM:
I think the type of pepper matters - cause this is hella hot - and I eat habanero salsa. This will kill most. Will it mellow once it starts to ferment? Yeah - 1 tbs and your mouth is on fire.

dreemsteem 1:51 PM:
That sucks.
That's a lot of work for fire LOL

Why is she laughing? This is NOT funny.

Tamala 2:56 PM:

But I spent 4 hours making this shit so I'M GOING to eat it. Tastes like nothing - just burn.

Ok, on to the 1000 dishes I got dirty in the process. Kimchi is now on my never again list.

dreemsteem 2:58 PM:
ROFLLLLLLLLLLLL
nothing hahahahaha just burn LOLOL

And she's still laughing. I might have to kill her. Or send her some kimchi.

Tamala 2:58 PM:
Can't type.... mouth on fire.

dreemsteem 2:58 PM:
Well - me thinks you might have done something wrong LOL
I can't breathe again.

Tamala 2:58 PM:
Me thinks 2.5 cups pepper flakes ain't right.

AND if you read a NORMAL Kimchi recipe I am right!

dreemsteem 2:59 PM:
Well - Korean - yes. LOL
whatever you have??? maybe no. LOL
mine is spicy as hell! but there is like - a million other flavors hahahaha

Tamala 3:06 PM:
Nope no other flavor - just hot as hell.

dreemsteem 3:06 PM:
Maybe... yeah - i dont' know LOL
Go peer pressure! LOL You'll need a new round of probiotics after you burn the shit out of all the helpful gut flora you have now hahahahaha

Now she's being all helpful with her probiotic recommendations - pfffft.

An entire day of my life lost to kimchi - inedible kimchi. Now normally, when I make a recipe that is just not that good I just put the leftovers in the refrigerator and wait until it goes 'bad'. That way I'm not throwing away 'good' food.

"Eat your chicken nuggets! There are starving children in America!" ~~ Crazy Rich Asians, Ken Jeong's Character

The problem I face with this recipe is it doesn't go 'bad' it just ferments. Now what to do? I'm never going to be able to get rid of this shit. Possibly back to the fertilizer idea but I fear it may contaminate the soil.

The moral of the story? While @dreemsteem seems all nice and sweet on the outside she's really a practicer of witchcraft trying to get you to burn the shit out of your gut flora while peeling off layers of your oral mucosa.

Secondarily, be careful in PYPT lest it turn into Pressure Your Peers Thursday and you end up being cajoled into a deadly recipe under the guise of health.

I did in fact put the stupid left over onions in water to see if they would grow. At least Dreemie was right about that.

_{I nominate @penderis & @dreemsteem for the comedy open mic challenge. See Dreemie? The gift that just keeps on giving.}

_{This is a true story. DM's are actual but edited for readability and brevity. No @dreemsteem's have been harmed in the making of this post. I still love you Dreemie....except for this fiasco...pay-backs are a bitch.}

_{Written as an entry into @Penderis Abject Sleuth - 10 SBI Ulog Contest AND in response to @themadgoat's tag for the @comedyopenmic challenge - I have no clue what the rules are but whatever, killing two birds with one stone. And this was pretty funny....except the part where I almost died of red pepper poisoning.}