Discipline in a family setting

Why do we want discipline in our homes?

Our own interests or for others, usually our children?

All concepts such as love, fear, familiarity, humour, anger and even hatred can be embraced in discipline.
It must always be remembered that NO parent is perfect, BUT each parent has much more experience in life and can teach a willing child much.

To summarise, both positive and negative.

Our personal experiences of life past, shape our approach to this subject. Usually this is a matter for parents or partners to deal with. A unified approach is needed. We all know of and are amused by the one kid who will approach the one parent for permission for something or other, the one parent will refuse to give permission, so the other parent will be secretly approached, where the kid will hope for a more favourable outcome. The usual pattern is to ask the mother (the father usually will tell the kid “go ask your mother”). If the parents are not unified in their approach, then conflict between the adults can result – I am speaking from personal experience. The smarter parent will check with their partner (if in doubt) before making a decision. Kids are very crafty and can read their parents extremely well. I know this as I am a victim of my youngest child.

My wife and I have been married since 1990, thus we have learned how to deal fairly well with our crafty kids, although the older three were guileless compared to the youngest. Each child is unique in their approach to life and their needs and personal discipline is different to their peers.

South Africa has a multitude of races with different cultures and nationalities. With the formal elimination of Apartheid from our society, children of all races get to interact at school. Segregation is now based on an economic basis. The wealthier have an option of the more expensive private schools rather than the public schools under the control of the government, to put it simply. So the school kids can learn from each other about their respective home lives. I am interested to find out how others live, sometimes it saddens me to see how the pursuit of money leads to the neglect of their children; material goods and gadgets can never compensate. These poor kids reflect their neglect in unbalanced emotional conduct at school.

Discipline in my past was a blend of my Mother’s earnest desire for civilized conduct based on living Christian values of industry and kindness to others. My Dad on the other hand was a much more jovial and carefree being, but he had a temper. If my Mother complained enough about her hooligan sons (never my sister who could govern herself quite appropriately), my Dad would lose his temper and “over” punish us. When my Mother told him to restrain himself, the matter could end up in an argument between my parents. My Dad could never punish us “coldly” as it was contrary to his emotional makeup. So we could get away with a lot of things but we knew how far we could go. Occasionally we would misjudge how far we could push it and we would get a hiding with his belt. That used to really sting our backsides. Thus we learned the norms of civilization; my two younger brothers took longer to learn than I did, hence they got more hidings. I observed their punishments and modified my behaviour accordingly.

Of course when I got married to my partner, a whole new set of dynamics entered the equation; Michele. Her father was a strong authoritarian figure who induced a feeling of fear in ALL family members. This was unusual for me to observe as her environment was completely different to mine. My Dad was my best friend and I was only prepared to leave home when I married Michele. My Dad also had a very close relationship with all his children, I suppose we all thought we were his best friend!

So our home (for Michele and me) is similar in many respects to the home I grew up in. I have a sharp tongue (often called the “tongue of Satan”) and love to tease the kids. When they respond I enjoy it much to my wife’s horror. As she says if she had to “cheek” her father like that she would have got a back hand. The kids have had to learn that there are certain boundaries that must not be crossed.

Our eldest child had the toughest deal of all the kids. Parents that were clueless but “knew” they must be stern; after all it is in the best interests of the child! Isn’t it? There is one memory that I cringe from. Michele had made food for supper but Tanith would not eat it. Sternly I compelled the child to remain at the table to eat. If she didn’t eat her food, she was to be punished by going straight to bed. The child was determined not to eat the food, so she had to go early to bed. But when Michele dished up for us parents to eat after the child was sent to bed, we found the food was inedible! My poor child. Generally, she was extremely self-disciplined and tended to keep her room tidy.

Another time I remember coming to give my second child a hiding as she had been naughty. As I approached Shae, Tanith, her older sister, threw a shoe at me and it hit me on the head. She was protecting her little sister. For the life of me, I cannot remember if I gave them both smack or not. Now when I look back on that incident, I certainly hope I was lenient. Shae certainly had more energy than we did and she caused us to relax more in terms of discipline. Shae was a natural force of chaos and her room always looked like a hurricane had been through it.

My third child is a red-head and has the matching temperament. It is pointless to punish her as her temper tantrum increases regardless of consequences. So we have had to learn new calmer strategies to deal with her. Kiera is self-regulating though.

My youngest is just like me. She reads people well and is not anxious to please anyone. I believe Maeve is stronger than I ever was as she drives herself in terms of reaching self set goals. She twists me around her little finger. I have to rely on Michele to keep her in line.

(the Monster who bullies her poor Dad)

To me an essential part of discipline is keeping my promises or threats. (It may be disputed by some family members). I remember a situation where we were taking all the girls to McDonalds for a treat and we were all in the car together. There was lots of bickering in the back between the girls. Irritated, I threatened the girls, “If you guys do not keep quiet until we get to McDonalds, I will not get us anything!” How stupid of me. Someone “had” to speak and the treat was cancelled with regret. Michele was furious with me for several reasons: (1) how could I make a unilateral decision without consulting with her? (2) why punish everybody for the ill-discipline of one child? (3) now she had to go home and make supper! (4) why can’t I think things through before I open my mouth? Of course she was right, I still regret the loss of a McDonald burger all those years ago.

(foolish threat cost me a burger)

Age teaches one patience.

Everyone’s style of discipline varies. Is discipline essential? Yes! I would say.

Why must there be discipline?

Obviously to me there are many, many reasons. I will just list a couple, (yes that means two!)

When I see how well discipline has served my four girls, I realize how vital it is. I see their academic and professional achievements as a direct fruit. They have delayed instant gratification for later, much larger rewards. There is no instant success in life and work in and of itself is rewarding. I know that education is not to be the end result but a tool for the present and future.

(luckily they followed my example, not my results)

(good girl)

(six long hard years successfully completed)

We are all part of a community and interact with each other. Kids start out as ego-centric beings and Michele and I believe that it is important to realize that we are not the most important beings in the world but rather we need to consider others first.

Can you imagine what sort of a world we could live in if we all adopted that motto?

Utopia is only as far away as each and every one of us, being a decent human being at the same time.

It is really that simple.