There is a ton of great advice here about how to build community, increase your followers, and make some money (even if that isn't your primary goal).

Perhaps the most repeated advice I've seen is to make good comments on posts. For many people, that might be all the specifics that are needed, but in this post I would like to break that one act down for anyone who needs a little more detailed instruction.

I elude to the great Dale Carnegie book in my title because I have seen it referred to in many helpful posts. Carnegie published How to Win Friends and Influence People in 1936, but its multiple mentions on Steemit alone demonstrate how timeless his ideas really are. It's timeless because it is about our most basic ways of connecting with each other as humans. Even with the dramatic changes in electronic communication of the last decade, the same rules still apply, because we haven't changed. To me, as a lifelong communication student and teacher, this is one reason I am deeply intrigued by Steemit. When you first encounter it, it certainly has a "brave new world" effect. Posting for cash and begging for upvotes seems like a horrible distortion of why we interact. But then it becomes apparent fairly quickly that a quality experience here is not much different than a quality experience in any other context.

We are human first and foremost, and our human qualities are either enhanced or stifled. When we are being human, and treating others as human, and even celebrating our human nature, then we thrive.

Carnegie taught people how to thrive in the business world 82 years ago. If he were alive today I think he'd get a kick out of Steemit.

So again, one of the most repeated single pieces of advice I have read is that one should make thoughtful comments on posts. This gets spun in many different ways, but ultimately seems to be most grounded in the idea that we must be genuine. (See the link below to gem of a post by @markmorrisjr about being genuine.) A good reply that adds something to the discussion begins with:

• reading content that we are genuinely interested in, then involves
• reading closely for true meaning, and finally,
• putting genuine thought into making a comment or asking a question.

But what does all that really mean?

Sometimes it helps to reverse engineer an approach to a communication problem. I will begin by stating the problem in this way:

It is a challenge to make meaningful connections with strangers on Steemit.

Stating the problem in this way serves a few functions. First, it emphasizes that there is a real challenge to rise up to, and challenge implies a certain difficulty. Humans thrive when faced with difficult challenges. Next, it emphasizes that what we are really striving for is meaningful, genuine relationships. Going from stranger to friend is the goal.

To turn the problem into a positive intention, we can state that:

The goal is to develop a genuine friendship.

Why? Well, just about every good reason for being on Steemit is supported by genuine friendship. Friends support each other just because. Friends give good feedback. They naturally want to introduce us to other like-minded people. Friends also perceive us differently — when a friend sees that you posted something new, they literally expect to enjoy it or find value in it. The good feelings between us literally alter what we see. Friends aid our growth, by introducing us to new ideas, and talking with us about ideas. If you want to thrive on Steemit, or in any other context, you need to engage in genuine friendship.

Working backwards from the goal, I wonder how long it takes to make a friend here. I have been interacting with others here for only a couple of months. I can say with certainty that two months is not enough time to develop strong, genuine friendship, but I have definitely initiated several new potential friendships (hi @kobiespriggs, @goldendawne, @ssimkins9, @lilyraabe @torico @lovenfreedom :). Being realistic about the time and process required for a relationship to evolve is essential. When I was younger I went through times when I wanted a girlfriend. I think I thought that was something that occurred in a moment. One moment you’re single, and then you’re not. But having a one-night stand certainly doesn’t mean you are in a meaningful relationship. You can't expect a single exchange on a post thread to deliver what you need.

Backing up a little further,

To make friends we need genuine dialogue.

Dialogue can take many forms. The most obvious is the rapid fire back and forth on a comment thread that feels almost like a face-to-face conversation. I will put that on one end of a continuum. On the other end is something that one might not even recognize as dialogue -- a slowly developing connection that involves two people reading and commenting on random posts and gradually realizing they've made a connection. On a couple of occasions I have commented on posts, not even realizing that person has commented on mine. Maybe we should coin in a term for that. How about #steemchronicity?

A genuine dialogue is not something that can be forced. Or is it? Let's be honest. Good communicators know how to manipulate others. Now, before you get all twisted up about that statement, remember that the word manipulate is neutral, meaning is isn't negative or positive. To manipulate literally only means to handle or control. Some people use their communication skills to harm others, or take advantage of them, and others use them to create and sustain quality relationships, but both intentions involve some form of manipulation. Book's like Carnegie's How to Win Friends would have no value if they didn't teach us how to manipulate others. Most adults know that if you want to engage in a conversation with someone all you have to do is ask the person questions. The more skilled you are at initiating conversations, the more fun you have at happy hour. So don't be afraid to force the situation. When you find a post that genuinely appeals to you, take the initiative to strike up a conversation with the author. In the dating world this can be a tough judgement call. Yes, people hang out in certain places in order to be approached and spoken to, but how you look, or your pheromones, influence who actually wants you to approach them. Here on Steemit, you can be fairly certain that people put an effort into posting things because they want to be approached.

At this point we really need to go to the beginning, and then work our way back toward the goal again.

First and foremost, and this has been written about plenty already,

You need to find posts and authors that genuinely interest you.

I know it is tempting to follow everyone that follows you, especially in the beginning, but curating your own feed will make this process of finding content you love more sustainable. But even if you are following a lot of people who don't post anything of real interest to you, you can search the tags that interest you. I like to spend a little time each day looking at new and hot posts with various tags, like #relationships, #writing, #community, etc. Sometimes it takes a little while, but almost every time I log on and do this I find something that gets me.

Once you do find something that catches your attention, decide sooner than later if its something you want to invest some time in. I would compare this to meeting people at a singles club (something I have avoided my entire life). If you meet someone and chat for a little bit, you know when its time to move one, but do you? When you meet someone that seems to have something you like, its as if a little switch goes off and you settle in. You decide to invest a little. When you find a post that seems worthy of some extra time, start at the beginning and read. No, I mean really read. Don't worry. You haven't made any major commitment yet. You can terminate this relationship at the drop of a dime! But be real about it -- if you don't fully engage, you will not really get the full message in the post. I think of this like practicing my listening skills in face-to-face conversation. Sure, the Steemit author has no idea I am reading her post, but if I am mindful of respecting the effort, I settle in and read every word.

In all human interaction, the most basic building block of all relationships is self-disclosure; two people intentionally sharing information that would otherwise be unknown. The information doesn't have to be deep and highly personal, which is why this concept applies equally to all communication whether its professional or social. Self-disclosure tends to flow easily when two people really listen to each other. On Steemit, the physical distance between us changes the dynamic, but only slightly. The basic building block of relationships here is still self-disclosure, but that primary mode for that disclosure is commenting on each others posts, and those comments flow naturally when we are listening, or close reading. So here is a breakdown of this relatively complex chain of ideas:

The basic building block of all human relationship is self-disclosure

The primary mode of self disclosure on Steemit is commenting

Self-disclosure comes naturally when we are really listening to each other

On Steemit, we listen by close reading

What am I looking for as I read (or listen)? On one hand, listening, or close reading, means simply taking it all in, fully. But we can play with our intention when we do both. Depending on the nature of the post, I might adopt a critical posture. Like manipulation, the word critical is neutral. By reading critically I am engaging, but I am doing so for the purpose of evaluating the authors argument or theory. On the other hand, I can choose to listen or read more empathically -- with an intention of trying to imagine the author's experience. I might be asking questions like, Why did he feel the need to write about this? Or, what does she think is at stake for her readers? The key here is that regardless of how we listen, we want to do so actively, and not passively. Scanning posts for interesting content is relatively passive. We need to make a conscious switch when we do find something. Some people might find it helpful to jot down questions or comments as they read. Doing so is actually a proven method of engaging in active listening/reading.

If you read a post in this way, one of two things will happen.

You will either end up with a genuine question or comment, or you won't.

If you do not feel naturally inspired to comment or ask a question, then it probably wasn't meant to be, and now you have a couple of choices. On one hand, you can just cut out and move on, but then again, you did just invest some valuable time, so you may as well salvage something out of the deal. Go ahead and make a comment, even if it isn't very inspired. But my advice is to still take a moment to think of how you might add some value, any value, to the situation. I wouldn't expect it to lead to a longer term relationship with the author, but no one is going to be upset to read a quick "Great post," or "Thanks for posting this, I really enjoyed it." Even better would be to point out a specific idea or part of the post that resonated with you. And a step further than that would be to explain why it resonated with you. Do you see what I am getting at here? Sometimes a little effort leads to something more. But please, please, please, for everyone's sake, don't add "I upvoted you so please upvote me." I think that is actually more taboo than a creepy pick-up line, because at least the creepy pick-up line might actually work one in a thousand times.

But let's say you really did enjoy the hell out of the post? Now what? Well, going back to what I just wrote,

Tell the author what you found interesting and how or why it resonated with you.

Here is an example of a comment on a post of mine by @steemgoblin, who not surprisingly recently stated in his own post that he is on a mission to go from 197 to 500 follower in 5 days. It was a very quick post by me, about a light topic, the Eagles winning the Super Bowl, but . . .

YASS! I love it. You took something simple here and elevated it to storytelling. Nicely done. I'm not much of a sports guy, but this pretty much sums up that feeling of thinking your team will get there to have it snatched. It's the same, whether it's Little League championship coming down to extra innings for the team you play on to lose by one run, or a Super Bowl, although people don't typically bet fortunes, or get stupid tattoos proclaiming their prognostications of who will win a little league championship! LOL

Here are some other comments worth sharing.

@cryptosphere started a conversation with me on a post about listening with this comment:

I like what you said about self disclosure. I heard someone say Intimacy = Into me, you see. I believe Intimacy is crucial for any relationship. I would like to see more in the "Identity" section. Understanding ourselves and others and our identities is critical to forming a proper relationship and having good communication.

I think that one is a good example of a comment that is short and sweet, but shows a genuine interest in the post, and more specifically a detail in the post.

I left this comment on a great post by @ssimkins9 called (Grand) Parenting Tip; The Undermining Remind. My comment was actually quite long, which I wasn't sure about, but he write back an equally long response. Check out the link for the full convo.

Great post. I can definitely relate. But I also want to begin my comment by saying that I do not necessarily believe that such behavior comes from a place of a desire for others well being. I obviously don’t know your mother-in-law, or your relationship with her, so I mean that more in a general sense. I think sometimes such behavior is actually coming from a relatively malicious place, and to try to rationalize it can further one from what is really needed as a “solution.”

Ask the author a direct question in order to learn more about the topic or a specific part of the post

Here is a great example by @lovenfreedom that led to a lengthy back and forth on a recent post of mine:

Wow, it looks really good from where i'm sitting at. :)

We were considering home-brewing ourselves but never got around to it yet. So you grow your own hops and just buy the malt? And is it organic? Dang it, how far can we drive to get organic beer? I'm going to read the links you posted here. Thanks so much for the beer-making journey here. One of these days...one of these days...

That comment/question is also a good example of someone expressing emotion in the comment. It is hard to fake emotion, especially in writing. An exclamation point (or several) alone won't quite cut it!!! :) Here is an example of a comment I made on a post by @steemgoblin as well as the result of it. My comment was very brief, but genuine:

That [was] ridiculously helpful and straightforward. Thanks.

• "Ridiculously helpful" I LOVE IT! You just earned a follow, and maybe a comment or two, I'm low on voting power or I would give that as well, but I'm currently supporting #dolphinschool.

There are plenty of posts out there that remind us to pay attention to people who comment on our posts. This is basic courtesy. I would add to that advice to apply the close reading approach to those comments. Imagine you are sitting in a quiet coffee shop talking to a valued friend when you read comments on your posts. Respect the person, and give them the time of day to really think about what they took the time to write. And just like with initiating a thread, if you feel naturally inspired after close reading a comment, then respond. If not, still consider thanking the person.

When you are engaged in a good conversation with someone there is always more information to get from them. When there isn't, that is when the conversation falls flat, which is okay. It happens. But very often its just for lack of effort, or genuine listening. When you really tune into someone it is amazing how a conversation can flow. If you approach post comments in this way you might be surprised. Whether initiating a conversation or adding to it, consider what additional info or ideas the other person might have to offer, and ask for them.

Let's review:

• One of the most common pieces of advice from experienced Steemians is to make good comments.

• The reason for focusing on comments is because it is how you connect with others (and get people to follow you).

• Making meaningful connections with people on Steemit is a healthy challenge.

• The goal is to make genuine friendships.

• Making friends begins with finding posts and authors who genuinely interest you.

• If friendships are formed through self-disclosure, and listening allows self-disclosure to flow naturally, then we need to listen on Steemit by close reading posts.

• When you are inspired to comment after a close read, identify something you liked about the post, and explain why (disclose some information about yourself), or ask a genuine question to gain more information or insight into the topic or a sub-topic of the post.

To read more about why being genuine is so important, check out @markmorrisjr's post If I Could Only Give You One Tip on Steemit, Here's What It Would Be, You Won't Believe How Simple it is!

To read more about Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends and Influence People

To read a recent post by me about Listening, check out Listening: The Foundation of All Good Communication

About me

I am an assistant professor of communication at Community College of Philadelphia where I have taught for ten years. I have also taught at Southern Illinois University at Carbondale, Seattle Central Community College, Shoreline Community College, La Salle University, Penn State Abington University, Chaminade University, and Delaware County Community College. I am also a track and field coach; I am an assistant coach at my local high school, and my wife and I run a youth track and field club in our town. In addition to my teaching experience, I have over ten years experience in both retail and hospitality management. As a result of all of my work experience, I have a solid understanding of what people, especially employers, mean then they say they want people with good communication skills. It is not what most people assume, and I hope to share some of that insight through this blog.

Explanation of my use of the #sustainability tag:
I am passionate about sustainability. We often think of sustainability in regard to the environment, as that is the context where we hear of it most often, but I believe we need to think of it more personally and globally. As a life-long teacher I have to think of my long-term sustainable approach to my job. As a 48-year-old athlete, I have to think of my long-term health in terms of sustainable fitness. As a communication teacher my guiding principle is sustainable communication and relationships.