Resetting the Bar

When my friend got married, I struggled to imagine the woman who had accepted him as a partner. The reason was he was lazy. He spent his days sipping tea and playing guitar. His life was lived in his head to the point he never showed up on time and if people were upset that he'd run late or failed to show up at all, he waved it off. In fact, the reason we were friends was based on location and shared college courses. It was a circumstantial friendship that has not stood the test of time. It's erosion and decay began the day we met his wife. But why?

Well, he married a woman from a culture where women are expected to do everything. He found a cushy job as a professor in her country and, when he wasn't teaching, drank tea and played guitar at home. She spent her days in school, working her own job, shopping, cleaning their apartment and cooking all the meals. She did everything while he relaxed. Since she was taught this was right and proper, she did it without complaining. But there was this look in her eyes. I stopped loving my friend and began to despise him because of it.

He said he'd married for love, but his wife was exhausted and miserable. She went about her tasks with little joy. She kept up herself, their home and him. She managed work and school and every household job there was, and still found time to listen to him and praise him while he played his music. He would show up at home with friends or students without telling her, and he would ply them to stay all hours of the night. When they came back to the U.S. he did the same. I talked with her about it, but I was afraid to give her any false hope that her situation could change. Because she'd married an American, she had no place to go back to in her home country. She was one of many girls from a home of poverty. She was lucky because she was moving up by marrying a loaf.

I think no one ever said this to her, but maybe he heard it a lot.

It still upsets me, but I look at their marriage now with a different perspective. My friend--when I needed something he would make sure I got it. He did work hard even if he couldn't show up on time. You just had to ask it of him. But he hadn't been taught to ask you what you needed, and his wife had been taught not to ask for help with her work. There relationship was fulfilling both of their expectations even if one of them wasn't happy about it.

Communication. That's what it is all about. I hope they've learned to communicate their needs and wants to each other. I hope they've learned to do it with kindness. To establish their expectations around positive communication outcomes rather than silent simmering and barbed words as many couples do.

I am still doing away with expectations for myself as I reexamine how I stepped into this latest toxic relationship. Where will I go from here? Up for certain. I know because I'm resetting the bar. I'm aiming higher when it comes to clarifying my needs in relationships. It is making my life better. I wish the same for you.

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