"How can I ease agonizing thoughts about my girlfriend’s past relationships?"

Excerpt: Let's face it, in the 21st century it is unlikely that people marry their first partner; not only that, a free person would not want an inexperienced partner. I am not talking only about sexual experience, but about being in multiple relationships in order to understand who we are, to work with the many aspects within us and then come to the ultimate relationship as a solid whole rather than a fragmented human. However, no matter how evolved one is, there is the human aspect that brings up issues of jealousy and fear that if not addressed might ruin the most promising relationship. The bottom line is to understand that we are more than flesh, thoughts, and memories.

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Hello,

Perhaps I am being hypocritical, but each time I fall in love with a girl I find it terrible and even impossible to imagine her past relationships; how she kissed other men and had sex with them etc. I feel as if someone invaded my territory.

When I think about it I feel threatened even though I love fondling, kissing, having flings and casual sex; but that’s only for me. As I say I might be a hypocrite.

I realize that sex is fun and a girl is not expected to wait all her life until she finds me. Am I overvaluing physical touch? Can you take this tormenting thought from my mind?

Ethan

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Ethan,

I have a constructive advice for you. But let’s begin with what not to do.

Do not ignore your girlfriend’s past. What this means is if she wants to share the experiences she had with other men in the past with you do not tell her: “I don’t want to hear about it”. If she wants to tell you about it she surely has a good reason; perhaps to ease a burden that she has been carrying for a long time. Perhaps only now, when she found someone strong and caring enough, who she trusts, is she able to open her heart. Do not, therefore, reject her attempts but let her talk. It may hurt you to just be silent and listen; you may get upset, but no matter what she says do not show her what you feel. Restrain yourself and at the first opportunity work on those angry feelings and inner pain. What do I mean?

The pain – emotional and physical – that you feel because of your spouse’s past relationships stems from limited perceptions that you hold about human beings. Check yourself vis-à-vis the following statements and wherever you disagree, know that you have lessons to learn:

• The past does not really exist. It is just an illusion in your imagination. What matters is the present and the now moment within the present. Does your spouse live with you in the present or does she always talk about her past? If the former then you should also leave the past and live with her in the present.

• Biologically speaking, the human body completely replaces its cells every seven years. The girl you touch today is physically not the one that lived seven years ago let alone the one that you will be with seven years from now.

• Do you fully trust your girlfriend? Perhaps her past bothers you because you fear that her seeming sexual permissiveness means infidelity? If it is a question of trust, work on it.

The human being is much more than flesh and blood. A TrueLove relationship is a communication between two spirits that are embodied in a physical body. Therefore, your relationship is based on deeper levels than the physical.

The choices that your girlfriend made in her past, no matter how horrendous you may find them to be, were done by certain aspects of the whole Self that you now perceive to be your girlfriend. She is not that person from her past but much more of her whole self. Judging her past decisions is like judging the acts of an entirely different human being. It’s pointless and inappropriate.

And lastly, although it may seem irrelevant to you, do you use pornographic material? If so, you are recommended to cease such behavior as it imprints in one’s mind twisted perceptions regarding men, women and the nature of their relationship, and creates an unbalanced dynamic between the male and female aspects within you. I will elaborate on this issue in another post.

Good Luck!

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