Is a healthy relationship measured by being compatible?
"Trying to be like each other won't make things better in relationships." Well-known psychotherapist Dr. Paul Conti says that a good relationship goes against what most of us think about love. Many of us think that having similar hobbies, tastes in music, levels of schooling, or even jobs will make our relationships better.
However, our relationships are actually getting dull and shallow over time. When people lose interest and curiosity in each other, their relationships go in a bad way where bad memories from the past come to the surface.
If we think that relationships can only get better if we put in a lot of work for the other person, we close ourselves off. Okay, Dr. What does Paul Conti say about what makes a friendship healthy?
We are all different, so what brings us together if not each other? What are some themes that come up a lot in bad relationships? Dr. Conti shares the answers to these questions on Andrew Huberman's podcast series Huberman Lab.
Being the best person we can be is the only way to be in a good relationship. We can bring out the best in other people if we show them our true selves.
We can become better and "healthier" people by taking action and being thankful, becoming deeply curious about ourselves, being aware of what we don't know, and being willing to learn.
Conti says that we are made up of two parts: our unconscious, which is where our defences are hidden, and our mind, which is where we are aware of ourselves. The way we defend ourselves determines the good or bad life we live.
What about our consciousness? Doesn't it have anything to say? Of course not! Conti says that "salience" is our choice about which thoughts to pay attention to and which to ignore.
In order for a friendship to work, both people must first agree that they can't fully understand the other person. The idea that two people should be perfectly compatible with each other is at the heart of traditional romantic relationships, but it doesn't make them healthy.
Conti says that when we're looking for a partner, we shouldn't look at how similar we are to each other, but at how similar the things that drive us are.
Our relationships shouldn't stop because we don't like the same music or hobbies. Healthy relationships are based on the things that make us who we are, not on things that aren't very important, like tastes or hobbies.