RE: Psychology Addict # 43 | The Corrosive Effect of Time on Love
Love is one of my great research interests, but unfortunately I haven't been able to indulge in it as much as I'd want to.
I think there's a real lack in the literature regarding it. There's research here and there that compartmentalizes it, but there's no equivalent, let's say, to 'sex differences' that takes the topic from all angles (feminist, biological, psychological, evolutionary, etc.) and brings it all together into one field. It's strange, considering that, as you say, "love has been the talk of town for thousands and thousands of years", and it's ever-present in pop culture (music, movies, etc.) One would think there'd be a field devoted to it by now.
My view since age 16 or so is that love doesn't exist. At least not the romantic kind we were brought up to want. And I'm still struggling with this knowledge.
Helen Fisher in her Why we Love states, if I recall, that the average span of passion in a relationship is 4 years or so, enough for the baby to grow and become somewhat independent. Love is just nature's trick to keep a couple together to care for a child.
Both passionate and companionate love diminished slightly over the course of the first year of marriage.
It's impossible to love someone more in the beginning than later, since you know them less in the beginning than later. So, the question is, what/who exactly did they love more in the beginning? The answer is, I think, the idealized version of their partner, not their real self. There's an important question in there about whether, and how much, we'd be able to love someone if we knew their real self.
From what I can recall of my fuzzy memory is that romantic love is a relatively new concept. Birthed in the Late Renaissance ... Romanticism stays for muse, fine arts, thinking about life and it's meaning, watching the stars etc. etc: leisure time
I guess we humans coupled also the performances on the theatre stages with the notion that those feelings of pleasure which other people can give ourselves should be extended into the intimate realm of two people. Since there was all this cultural leisure times available for a relevant amount of people (aristocrats and leaders) things were born, unknown to peoples before that time. As aristocrats (elites nowadays) were high influentials the culture changed and the intimate love was created.
I think love has a much larger meaning and realm than this romantic two-people-thing. Take love between a mother/father and the new born, love for nature and its creatures and love for all sentient beings (the Buddhists do distribute). It's relational. The classic couple and marriage is just one part in this huge system. It's related though to all other parts.
I'd say the better you know yourself the better you already know the other. You even know the strangest stranger just passing by on the sidewalk. But of course, getting to know the other also means to watch his habits, his speciality in doing things and perceiving the world. As this highly differs in every individual on a subjektive level, the only one who is being tricked by the differences and suffers from this differences, is again: you. We know already of the constructing mind, don't we?
Dis-appointments arise when I miss the point in time to meet the acknowledgment I can develop towards my mans self-view and accept that he might not be where I am in time and maturation process. Talking helps including serious questioning and deep interest in the view of my loved one. One could call this interest in the (well)being of the other already "love". Conflicts are the spice of a relationship where I can either succeed or fail. Where friction happens, the potential of mutual understanding is always there.
Sorry, I let myself being carried away :)
Thanks for the comment!
It's a story one often hears these days, about how 'romantic love' was concocted in the 18th century or thereabouts. But I'm pretty sure one can find pretty romantic tales much earlier than that. Helen of Troy and whatnot. ... Dunno, I'd need to look much more into that, but from personal experience, it seems unlikely that all the things I feel/felt is a result of cultural brainwashing.
Did it sound like brainwashing to you? It was not meant in that sense. What is felt by me is resulting from a mixture of cultural influences - some of them I might be not aware of, some others I am - and my choices leaning on what my preferences are in developing a love affair towards intimate and people in general. Would it be correct to say that this also counts for you?
Sorry, no vote, I must recover.
Stay well.
I didn't mean it in reference to your comment, but in reference to what I feel other writers or commentators are saying, for example this video.
I was actually thinking last night when I lay down to bed, that I remember having my romantic feelings from very early on, from my earliest "sexual" fantasies. It's possible I was influenced by (Russian) fairytales my mom was reading me, but then again I don't remember any fairytales having anything to do with sexual love.
Overall, I'm inclined to think that most of it is innate rather than external, just like most of our inclinations when it comes to sex/love.
Approaching love from the different angles you presented here would be a most interesting study to conduct! What a great book such content would make. Perhaps one we could write together 😏
Alexander, I couldn't believe when I read your personal views of love.
I have discussed this extensively with my husband, and some peers and even written something about it.
I didn't have this insight as young as you did. But, this is something I have realized in my mid 20's through observing the way my friends and family members (and myself) approach relationships; an not only the start of relationships, but their ends too.
As for your last paragraph, I am pleased about the way you elaborated your first statement further. And based on the people who I have talked to over the years, I concluded that, that is very much the case. Love decreases over time, largely, because the 'ideal person' the individual gets married to becomes more and more real with time.
Sometimes, it seems to me, people have a real agenda. I've seen it in my family. They want a partner, a house, children, etc.. etc.. and getting that for some people comes first than actually getting to know someone who you could potentially really love for whom they are, and not for fulfilling a role that meets social pressures and expectations.
Have a great weekend :)
All the best to you always.