Psychology Addict # 43 | The Corrosive Effect of Time on Love
It was during a family gathering when uncle Jim told his wife, while delivering some sort of speech, “ ... I am committed to you ... ”. I immediately wondered why he didn’t say “ I love you”, but soon excused his gaffe as their age (70’s) and time together (nearly 20 years) dawned on me. And because they are each other’s second spouse, I couldn’t help thinking of whether it was when their ‘love’ transitioned to ‘commitment’ in their previous marriages that they decided to call it a day. After all, falling out of love is the number one reason for divorcesref.. Also, I couldn’t help recalling Juan, an Argentinean man, former neighbour of ours, who was in his mid-50’s, and on his fourth marriage when we last saw him. I felt tempted to conclude that, perhaps, Juan’s passionate love has a shorter life span than that of others.
And, isn’t the many facets of love one of the great things about it?
Love exists in many ways. So much so that Leo Tolstoy pronounced that “there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts”. Still, with regard to couples, psychologists mostly categorize love into two types: ‘passionate’ and ‘companionate’. The former encompasses intense emotions such as lust, excitement, yearning and jealousy, while the latter is more often associated with milder emotions like commitment, closeness and attachment.
As you know, love has been the talk of town for thousands and thousands of years. It truly never goes out of style. That is why so much is said about it in pop culture. For example, popular belief posits that:
- Romantic love metamorphoses into companionship (like I initially thought it might have happened in uncle Jim’s marriage)
- Popular culture also suggests that women love their boyfriends/husbands more than they are loved back.
But, because pop culture doesn’t always equal fact Hatfield and her colleagues, from the University of Wisconsin, set out to investigate how truthful those beliefs are, by means of two studies.
I Do
In Study 1 the researchers sent a trained team to interview 33 couples twice. The first time the newlyweds were interviewed was in a timeframe of between 3 and 8 months after they got married, and the second time was 1 year after the first interview. The brides’ average age was 24, and the groom’s 26. They all had been in an approximately 2-year relationship before the wedding. The group was comprised of teachers, builders, accountants, farmers and business people.
Both in the first and follow-up interviews, the participants’ passionate and companionate love were measured through a scale in which the questions were counterbalanced, and the answers ranged from: (1) None at all to (5) A tremendous amount.
What were the results?
Ladies, I Have Good News & Bad News
I am going to start with the bad news, and will not sugar coat it for you.
This is what the researchers found:
There may be a real gender difference in feelings of companionate love. [...] When it comes to companionate love, women love their partners more than they are loved in return.
Ha! This immediately reminded me of this situation I had with my husband. I told him, “Hey baby, I will be finishing work at 4pm today and will skip yoga.” At 4pm I went over to see him, only to find out he was getting ready for a cycle ride. “Oh for the love of Christ! I said”, “What?” he replied. “Didn’t I t...?Nothing ... Enjoy your ride!” 🙄 There is no frustration that can’t be relieved by a gentle yoga-flow. So, I reached for my mat.
But, Love is Still In the Air
Not all is lost ladies, the findings also indicate that our other halves might love us with as much passion as we love them 😏 As the results revealed no difference in the amount of passionate love reported by men and women ref..
Whilst these set of findings partially debunk the claims popular culture make about the amount of love men and women feel for each other. The subsequent findings bring important clarifications to the beliefs that time either turns ‘passion’ into ‘commitment’, or that it ‘reduces passion’ and ‘enhances commitment’.
As you could see, from the previous conclusions, both passionate and companionate love coexist. At the beginning of a romantic relationship they are both up there, off the charts. Moreover, it might not come as a surprise for you that those feelings that comprise passionate love: lust, excitement, yearning and jealousy decrease over time. As it was predicted and confirmed through the research Hatfield conducted with the newlyweds.
But ...
What about companionate love, though?
Sure time brings people together. It sure strengthens their attachment and commitment. Well, Hatfield and her colleagues thought so too. Nevertheless, they were surprised by what their results unveiled:
We discovered that time was not discriminating in its effects. Both passionate and companionate love diminished slightly over the course of the first year of marriage.
This brings to mind a different piece of psychological research, also about love, that I read not long ago, where students stated to believe that if in a romantic relationship feelings related to love decrease with the passage of time the ‘relationship is not meant to be’ ref.. By putting this rationale together with what the evidence shows, one question comes into my head: are long-term relationships dwindling, because of mistaken beliefs and unreal expectations?
A sudden vision of Juan’s (our Argentinean acquaintance) fourth divorce and a possible fifth marriage just popped into my head.
Is Love Always in a Bear Market, Then?
The best way Hatfield found to check this out was to conduct a similar study (Study 2) with older people, who are either married, or had been in a long term relationship. The literature shows that whilst previous studies found that for elderly men and women love is the primary factor for a happy marriage, the territory of love and intimacy in older couples has been little explored by researchers ref.. So, off Hatfield and her colleagues went.
The participants this time were 240 women whose average age was 54 and average relationship length 33 years. Here, however, the women had to answer questions that investigated the levels of feelings they felt for their partners as well as the level of reciprocity they perceived back. The results revealed a possible shift.
At the same time no gender difference was observed in companionate love at this stage of a couples’ life, the authors found that:
women perceived that their partners loved them more passionately than they loved their mates
But, caution is needed here. Note that unlike in study 1, in study 2 the levels of love felt by men was not evaluated through a direct report from them. Rather, it was analysed based on their wives’ perception. This could be pointed out as one of the limitations of this research. Still, assuming these women’s evaluations of their partners’ feelings towards them was accurate, Hatfield proposed this difference in passionate love observed in older couples, results from what men and women see as more important later on in their relationship. With men regarding intercourse and body caressing more important, and women seeing talking and being affectionate as such, instead ref..
In view of this, the authors attempted to explain this phenomenon through suggesting that the passionate feelings of men go down at a slower rate than that of women. Unfortunately, however, this notion does not match that of evolutionary theorists, who argue that in evolutionary terms sexuality arises from youth + beauty, for men; and from power + position, for women.
The Market of Love
There are quite a few limitations in this study, and as the authors themselves observed, in order to evaluate more accurately the changes in the levels of feelings of both women and men throughout their time together, these measures should be tracked over a long span of time; preferably via a longitudinal study.
In spite of this, personally, I think this overall study delivers two important pieces of information. The first is that women out there not only are, but feel passionately loved by their partners, which for me deflates the women = victims of love image that the media chooses to portray more often than not in series, movies and soaps. Most importantly of all, however, it raises awareness to the fact that it isn’t only the flame of lust that needs to be revived every now and again, but that of companionship too.
Further still, above all, this study serves as a great insight.
You see, my husband once told me that successful investors are those who diversify; so then, when market X is on a bear trend, market Y might be bullish, therefore lending a solid foundation to the overall investment, allowing the investor to sit tight preventing desperate decisions from taking place. I think this same approach applies to the market of love. If, let’s say, the market is down in the business of intimacy; well, it might be time to invest in closeness and friendship (this might even serve as a vaccine against resentment). In the same way, if passion is at satisfactory levels, but there is no true companionship in the relationship. It might be time to just sit, talk and have a laugh together.
Findings like this should not be seen as discouraging; particularly by the romantics out there. Rather, they should be perceived as invaluable insights, insights that help us keep a tad more realistic about what to expect from our romantic relationships and what the future holds for them.
Reference List:
Tolstoy, L., & Margashack, D. (1961). Anna Karenina. New York, New American Library.
Hatfield, Elaine, Pillemer, Jane T., O’Brien, Mary U., & Le, Yen-Chi L. (2008). The endurance of love: passionate and companionate love in newlywed and long-term marriages. Interpersonal 2(1), 35-64.
Langeslag SJE, van Strien JW (2016), Regulation of Romantic Love Feelings: Preconceptions, Strategies, and Feasibility. PLoS ONE 11(8): e0161087.
Dear Reader,
Thank you for taking the time to read my long post once again. 😊 I will have some time off next week, and heard on the grapevine that cycle rides are not going to get in the way 😏 So, I put my negotiator skills in place and promised less time on the computer in return. This means I will only be back posting on my blog in September.
I wish you all a great end of the month.
Take care & much love to you all.
🎔 🎔 🎔
Great piece Abi, once again!!
Love is a real puzzle, I doubt we'll ever figure it out, but I have some questions after reading your post:
The fact that someone feels uncomfortable with telling you "I love you" does not mean they don't necessarily love you. Sometimes just being there, holding your hand and patting your head gently is enough to know how they feel about you. Oh! And the eyes, the way they look at you can't lie.
I also loved the market simile! Clever one! ☺️
Aaah, enough with my ranting now. Have fun, enjoy your break and make sure you do what is best for your "emotional investment" Abi! We'll be waiting for you!!
Lots of love and positive thoughts!! 😘🤗♥️
Hello smart-girl 😊 this is an impressive comment you left me here.
The correlation you made between passionate love with obligation in your first point reminded me of what Adams and Munro (1978) say about levels of passionate love observed in newlyweds, which is lower than that seen in dating couples and those in a long-lasting marriage. They put his down exactly to the 'distribution of roles' which is higher early on in a marriage.
The boring details of day-to-day life can truly corrode emotions. As your point 2 examples illustrate!
You last point is a very insightful one. You approach the situation from an evolutionary perspective, but you also give space to subjective emotions. Because emotions are subjective. It reminds me again of what Tolstoy says "there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts". I suppose it is for each partner to understand the other partner's loving style. As you pointed out, some people love through words while others love through gestures :)
Glad to hear you liked my analogies 😅
Thank you for your kind wishes 😊 You too enjoy the week ahead creating, photographing, researching and practicing all your talents.
Much love to you always, always my dearest! 😘 :)
οχι που δε θα ειχες ερωτησεις!!!!!....στο τελευταιο που λες με βρισκεις απολυτα συμφωνω παντως...τι να τα κανεις τα λογια οταν εχεις τις πραξεις....καλημερα!!!
Ε τι να κάνω, τόσα πράγματα μας λέει εδώ η Άμπι για να πιαστούμε και να σχολιάσουμε! Θα σκάσω αν δεν ρωτήσω! 😜
Πολλές φορές τα λόγια είναι περιττά. Οι πράξεις, οι "κινήσεις", ακόμα κι οι χειρονομίες λένε πολλά περισσότερα....
Καλημέρα-σπέρα και καλό ΣΚ να έχουμε!
True. I sometimes become frustrated by women's many demands for words. And I'm the intellectual type, it's not like I'm word-shy! But I find that just caressing someone, holding them, just being with them, communicates so much more. At least to me. Maybe to others it's not much different from holding a broom! :D
We somehow find it reassuring, although repeating the same thing again and again 10 times a day can be tiring and cause the words to lose their meaning in the end. (Το πολύ το κυρ-ελέησον το βαριέται κι ο παπάς, που λέμε)
We need to learn and appreciate the way a partner loves us and not ask them to do things way beyond their capabilities. As long as their loving is not toxic to us (and neither is ours to them).
Is it Friday, already??
Another interesting read - psycho-philosophical with scientific discussion! What's not to love about it? :)
I could only add that we should not be so obsessed with finding "the one", or looking for "the one we deserve". Unconditional love could only occur if true friendship between two individuals is present. If there is no friendship - there is no love. Only attachment and benefit.
Ahahah @dysfunctional, you are SO witty! 😃
Looking for "the one" or "the one for me" can be a frustrating search, indeed. Particularly, because, those who tend to embark on such journeys are the ones who tend to hold huge expectations and unreal ideals, I believe.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this long post and participate in the debate my dear. I hope you have had a chance to rest during the summer.
I am really looking forward to my break :)
Bye, bye for now and take care.
It's been a while I read your long post and now you are going off till September? Ouch!! Anyways, everyone needs a break now and then..
You are so right! but people just tend to go into their shell when a part of their relationship goes down, that's probably the reason why your neighbor married 4 times.. I know that passion and compassion are important but i chose compassion anytime anyday, because it will help hold a relationship when the lust disappears..
Thanks for sharing.. Do have fun.
Ow @nmalove, it is nice to see you around :)
Yep, lack of intimacy can truly go from being a minor issue to the problem that actually dives people to separate. And, the way I see it, it is mainly because, like you said, people just go into their shells and brew resentment for the other partner, making their own lives ever more difficult. And then, here it come the point you addressed, when this happens there is little compassion left. It truly becomes difficult to move on from there.
Thank you for your nice wishes!
You too have a nice time and some fun during the coming days.
Take care :)
If you feel that the relationship is starting to be approached by boredom, then try to fix it.
Start with praise, when you see your partner, the first thing to do is give praise. No matter how much you want to complain about a couple's delay when picking up, start by praising it. At first it is not used to it, but the longer it can help restore your sense of interest with your partner.
Enjoy the power of touch, touch does not always mean sexual activity. A small but sincere touch can actually describe your affection. For example, when a couple is tired of driving, you can give a small kiss or just caress his shoulder. The power of touch can rebuild the feeling of love for you and your partner who had disappeared.
Make a date schedule, if you usually run out of time with friends or go to a salon, you should start providing time for you and your partner. Try to schedule your date, and make sure to keep the schedule. Too often meeting with a partner can also be one of the causes of boredom.
Don't be too serious, live this relationship casually, don't overdo the problems that come into your relationship. Too serious when undergoing a relationship can also be a reason for the tension in your relationship and your partner. Learn to laugh more and don't be afraid to make fun of yourself.
Thank you for sharing your insight and elaborate reflections here with us Jamal. You have left many, invaluable tips on how to build connection with a partner. I appreciate it very much :)
Love is one of my great research interests, but unfortunately I haven't been able to indulge in it as much as I'd want to.
I think there's a real lack in the literature regarding it. There's research here and there that compartmentalizes it, but there's no equivalent, let's say, to 'sex differences' that takes the topic from all angles (feminist, biological, psychological, evolutionary, etc.) and brings it all together into one field. It's strange, considering that, as you say, "love has been the talk of town for thousands and thousands of years", and it's ever-present in pop culture (music, movies, etc.) One would think there'd be a field devoted to it by now.
My view since age 16 or so is that love doesn't exist. At least not the romantic kind we were brought up to want. And I'm still struggling with this knowledge.
Helen Fisher in her Why we Love states, if I recall, that the average span of passion in a relationship is 4 years or so, enough for the baby to grow and become somewhat independent. Love is just nature's trick to keep a couple together to care for a child.
It's impossible to love someone more in the beginning than later, since you know them less in the beginning than later. So, the question is, what/who exactly did they love more in the beginning? The answer is, I think, the idealized version of their partner, not their real self. There's an important question in there about whether, and how much, we'd be able to love someone if we knew their real self.
From what I can recall of my fuzzy memory is that romantic love is a relatively new concept. Birthed in the Late Renaissance ... Romanticism stays for muse, fine arts, thinking about life and it's meaning, watching the stars etc. etc: leisure time
I guess we humans coupled also the performances on the theatre stages with the notion that those feelings of pleasure which other people can give ourselves should be extended into the intimate realm of two people. Since there was all this cultural leisure times available for a relevant amount of people (aristocrats and leaders) things were born, unknown to peoples before that time. As aristocrats (elites nowadays) were high influentials the culture changed and the intimate love was created.
I think love has a much larger meaning and realm than this romantic two-people-thing. Take love between a mother/father and the new born, love for nature and its creatures and love for all sentient beings (the Buddhists do distribute). It's relational. The classic couple and marriage is just one part in this huge system. It's related though to all other parts.
I'd say the better you know yourself the better you already know the other. You even know the strangest stranger just passing by on the sidewalk. But of course, getting to know the other also means to watch his habits, his speciality in doing things and perceiving the world. As this highly differs in every individual on a subjektive level, the only one who is being tricked by the differences and suffers from this differences, is again: you. We know already of the constructing mind, don't we?
Dis-appointments arise when I miss the point in time to meet the acknowledgment I can develop towards my mans self-view and accept that he might not be where I am in time and maturation process. Talking helps including serious questioning and deep interest in the view of my loved one. One could call this interest in the (well)being of the other already "love". Conflicts are the spice of a relationship where I can either succeed or fail. Where friction happens, the potential of mutual understanding is always there.
Sorry, I let myself being carried away :)
Thanks for the comment!
It's a story one often hears these days, about how 'romantic love' was concocted in the 18th century or thereabouts. But I'm pretty sure one can find pretty romantic tales much earlier than that. Helen of Troy and whatnot. ... Dunno, I'd need to look much more into that, but from personal experience, it seems unlikely that all the things I feel/felt is a result of cultural brainwashing.
Did it sound like brainwashing to you? It was not meant in that sense. What is felt by me is resulting from a mixture of cultural influences - some of them I might be not aware of, some others I am - and my choices leaning on what my preferences are in developing a love affair towards intimate and people in general. Would it be correct to say that this also counts for you?
Sorry, no vote, I must recover.
Stay well.
I didn't mean it in reference to your comment, but in reference to what I feel other writers or commentators are saying, for example this video.
I was actually thinking last night when I lay down to bed, that I remember having my romantic feelings from very early on, from my earliest "sexual" fantasies. It's possible I was influenced by (Russian) fairytales my mom was reading me, but then again I don't remember any fairytales having anything to do with sexual love.
Overall, I'm inclined to think that most of it is innate rather than external, just like most of our inclinations when it comes to sex/love.
Approaching love from the different angles you presented here would be a most interesting study to conduct! What a great book such content would make. Perhaps one we could write together 😏
Alexander, I couldn't believe when I read your personal views of love.
I have discussed this extensively with my husband, and some peers and even written something about it.
I didn't have this insight as young as you did. But, this is something I have realized in my mid 20's through observing the way my friends and family members (and myself) approach relationships; an not only the start of relationships, but their ends too.
As for your last paragraph, I am pleased about the way you elaborated your first statement further. And based on the people who I have talked to over the years, I concluded that, that is very much the case. Love decreases over time, largely, because the 'ideal person' the individual gets married to becomes more and more real with time.
Sometimes, it seems to me, people have a real agenda. I've seen it in my family. They want a partner, a house, children, etc.. etc.. and getting that for some people comes first than actually getting to know someone who you could potentially really love for whom they are, and not for fulfilling a role that meets social pressures and expectations.
Have a great weekend :)
All the best to you always.
Very interesting studies. Intuitively, it makes sense to me that the researchers found that both types of love decreased over time.
I really like your investment analogy though. I think that investing in companionship (i.e. friendship, communication, fun, play...etc) when romantic intimacy is low, allows the couple to continue to grow together and develop stronger bonds with one another, which is important. I think that a lot of relationships fail in the end because people stop maintaining their bond - they stop communicating and enjoying each others company and in turn, they grow apart.
I personally tend to think of love as an adaptive trait for our species and as something that has evolved in us, for child rearing purposes and also more recently in our history for social reasons. There may be dissonance between our marital expectations and the realities of our relationships because our innate drives haven't yet caught up to the rapid changes faced by society. For instance, marriage itself is not a natural phenomenon, animals in nature do not "get married" and sign contracts and all of that jazz. Marriage is a social construct that comes with a lot of rules and it is also maintained by things that exist beyond the natural emotions of the couple (i.e. money, careers, housing, etc). All of these things influence marriage and often make it even more binding than the feelings and emotions that the marriage was founded on.
Anyway, I kind of rambled on lol. Great article as always! It really got me thinking :)
Hello there @leaky20 :) It is nice to see you around!
So true. While within a couple bonding also takes place through intimacy, there are other venues that need equal attention too. Only through solid companionship and closeness a couple can overcome, for example, intimacy issues without having to go through too much awkwardness and resentment. This seem to be something that people either don't seem to understand, or if they do they forget all about it.
However, you can see how intimacy issues can unfold, when, there is disparity in companionate love! It is complex.
I 100% agree with your view of marriage as a social construct. When situated in the timeline of human history; yes, it seems like it is something in which we are still at beginners levels. Further, the unreal picture that is constantly portrayed by the mass media confuses our ideals and concepts.
There is an interesting study by Dr Bjarne Holmes, which I brought up on another comment as well, his research was on the role Hollywood romantic movies play in influencing peoples relationship's expectations. The findings are incredible (especially the ones regarding intimacy) People are so naive!
Yep! This can be seen from a positive angle or a negative one. Negative when they become the sole aspects keeping two people together. I have come across quite a few people (mostly women), who are unable to leave an unhappy relationship because of monetary issues. But, positive when it regards couples who manage to get up and go, and build things together :)
Thank you for this wonderful comments Leaky :). I am very pleased to hear this post have sparked some thoughts !
I wish you and your wife a wonderful weekend.
:)
The study on how Hollywood and the media shape expectations sounds very interesting. I'll have to check out that comment. I can totally see that being the case thought. I remember how movies and tv shaped my expectations in life when I was young - prom, dating...etc.
Thanks for the response and well wishes. Take care :)
Awesome piece again Abbey.
"Time"; they say; happens to everything. But in the context of love and relationship, and as humans, it is our absolute prerogative to figure out ways to turn "time" into our ally.
But this:
Left me wondering: People have been saying that the "wine" gets sweeter as it ages (okay, that's a proverb in this part of the world). But by inference; they meant that it should get better with time.
Well, I guess that's where the place of responsibility comes into play. But again; there are more things to these than could be seen peripherally. For example; there are areas that are not covered by the field of observable science, which could also have effects on love, companionship and all whatnot - even in this part of the world, some people have attached weird spirituality to areas of love and relationship. But like I said; it isn't in apposition to science, so it can't be researched upon :D
I really found this piece educative Abbey, thanks for sharing
Sammi!! I love, love, love your observation about wine 😃 there is some real true in your proverb. In real life though, there is more to it than the sweet aspect of the wine. Time plays a part in improving its overall quality :) But, you see Sammi, this will only happen if the bottles or barrels are well kept and preserved. Just like in romantic relationships, those which improve with time, are the ones that have been preserved and carefully maintained! 😊 But, like you said, it will only happen for those couples in which the parts take the responsibility to turn time into their ally :)
I am very pleased to hear you found this post educative my dear.
Wishing you all the best always.
Lots of love :)
I think the expectations of Love became marred when Madison avenue absconded with it for applications to laundry detergent and deodorant.
I think people in many things, including Love, have high expectations and look for perfection which indeed is a recipe for unhappiness. Even 'happiness' in modern terms is a sort of recipe FOR unhappiness.
I don't know I think if one can live somewhere between romantic and realist on the foundation of pragmatism, they might just find a sort of balance.
Hello there @donnadavisart :)
Great comment! I think high expectations might also stem from lack of understanding. For example, Dr Bjarne Holmes from Heriot Watt University in Edinburgh, conducted a laborious, but very interesting research on the role Hollywood romantic movies play in influencing peoples relationship's expectation. The results are incredible. People are so naive!
And of course, as you observed, this permeates other aspects of people's lives too, including the incessant pursuit for happiness!
Thank you for stopping by.
I wish you a wonderful weekend :)
I like the correlation you drew on the love and smart investment. It just drives home the whole idea of love in times when people are not feeling the blues as much as they'd love to :)
Thanks a lot.
Thank you Green :) I have come across a lot of people who have a very narrow view of what the foundation of a relationship is. And while intimacy truly is a core foundation it if far from being the only one :) I am very pleased to hear you liked my analogy.
I hope the weekend is not going so fast for you :P
All the best & take care ❤
This weekend is slow, may be it is because I'm extremely busy.
Posted using Partiko Android