This is who I am.

This is who I am, this is who I am not.
It's a sorting process.

Source: https://lanesboroarts.org/calendar/spittingimage-exhibit/

I am not fully vegan;
And I still love animals.

I am not pro-life;
and I still promote and support motherhood.

I am using formula currently,
yet am still the biggest breastfeeding supporter.

For my first born,
I planned a home birth
I ended up having an epidural;
and for my next birth --
I'll still plan another home birth.

For the last seven years, I've been diving deeply into who I really am, and separating me from what I felt like I was suppose to believe. Some of these assertions seem like blaring contradictions on the surface. However, nothing is truly black or white up close.

The more I've matured; the more my mindset has matured --
I've been able to own a lot of these beliefs as grey and imperfect. I once desired to "fight for life" both with veganism and pro-life stances; however, I never truly (realized or accepted) the reality of death.

I never accepted that our entire existence,
will eventually die.

My entire generation,
will eventually die.

All the animals and plants that are currently residing on this planet right now,
In 300 years -- regardless of what happens,
most everything
(except for a few trees? Or secret dinosaur reptiles?)
will be dead.

It was a shadow side that I was disowning.
It was this shadow side that I wanted to kill for years.
It wasn't until postpartum that I began embracing this shadow.
Instead of disowning her -- I praised her with the proper title.

She was a survivor.

I began to love my survivor;
and have compassion for her;
for how she got me through.

She did so scratching and bleeding.

She was the one that allowed me to survive the darkest days of my life.
Why on Earth would I hate her?
She was a warrior.

And I didn't need natural birth to PROVE how strong she was.
She was already strong.
I was already strong.

So was every single mother out there that didn't have a natural birth.
Epidurals don't make you weak.
The weak and strong are not separated by such futile, and subjective points of view.

The battle from maiden to mother,
was not a transition for the weak minded.
And before you enter the initiation --
you have no idea the strength that it requires.

And as I keep pressing onwards with this transition process.

The answer that my mother once gave me,
When I brought before her my long list of qualms from my childhood --
When she said, "I did my best."

The affront and horror I once heard from that statement, as a child.

MORPHED.

Into compassion and laughter as a mother.

Because; I am doing my best,
And this is part of who I am, world.

I do not live up to my own ideals of perfection,
nor will I ever.

And frankly, I don't give a damn what you think -- haters.
I really have begun enjoying my self expression,

And I have the mother to thank for this.
As you get older, it really does -- get better.