1. VISIONS OF A MIDWIFE

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My vision of what a midwife was prior to birth,
and my vision of her now
has changed.

My idea of birth has changed
and my reaction to what having a child is like --
…has also changed.

My entire concept on life
has shifted
…after becoming a mother.

Life became,
When I became a mother.
…life became magical and wonderous again.

And to simply illustrate this process in words gives me so much compassion/empathy for all the mothers before me --
and to the mothers after me.
somuchcompassionandloveforthemidwivesbeforeme.

It makes me see womanhood differently.

It's a transformation that is not allowed to be computed
until you've gone through the experience
that is motherhood.

So, future mothers, please know.
Your life is about to change.
It’s coming. I am sure you can feel it

T I C K I N G.
TICTOK TICTOK TICTOK.
You can feel it in the baby’s kicks.
In the baby’s hiccups.

tictoktictoktictoktictoktictok
T I C T O K T I C T O K T I C
KICK. KICK. KICK. KICK. KICK.

You feel like a
[portal vehicle]
Throughout pregnancy.

A pregnant vessel
…that is co-creating life in a ((mystical, magical)) way.

The question that never stopped rattling in my mind all through

pregnancy,
birth,
delivery
and now --
is how?

Howhowhowhowhowhowhowhow?

How the ((hell)) did my body do this?

What spiritual manifestation that created life INSIDE my body
—without my conscious control—?

How can you not believe in magic?
Because what was this magical experience happening to me?

And now I look at my son and think.
Wise soul, oldsoul.
Where did you come from?

&Those are seriously my thoughts when I look at my child.
wheredidyoucomefrom.

You came from some portal world inside me.

And when I get asked the question —
on a very basic, simple physical level
"how was your birth experience,"
“How was your entrance into motherhood?”

well.

Nothing and everything went exactly according to plan.

My expectation of what was going to happen at my birth;
compared to, what actually happened
— was in conflict.

Yet, that does not mean that it went "bad" or "wrong".
It's just what happened.

//[[ The universe was trying to teach me a lesson through this process and I answered. Hello? Universe — God — Hello? I received your message loud and clear. Thank you, I’ll send Townes your love. ]]//

This transformation experience is his gift to me for being his mother.
It is such an amazing honor to be chosen to be his mother.

Magical.

My vision of a midwife changed after giving birth.

Because I thought it was all about the birth,
I didn’t realize it was all about motherhood.

A midwife to me now is:
is simply… a magical portal witch.
is simply… helping keep space while the mother’s universal port-key opens,
is simply… a safeguard at a spirit’s entrance into the physical world.

There is something magical about birth.
There is something magical about a midwife.
There is something magical about my son.
There is something magical about me.

There is something magical about motherhood.

Remember, mothers-to-be —
It’s about the process.

There’s a process to becoming a mother
— it’s not an event, moment — it’s a journey.
And birth is one moment in the path
That leads to being, owning, choosing motherhood.

And what the midwife guards is sacred.
So, let her keep guarding world, portal people.

And all of us that came through the passage of a woman:

are magical.

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2. CHILD IN ME.

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First Time Mother.

I am watching myself as a child.
I would whisper into the clouds
--my hopes, prayers and dreams--
I would whisper them into the:

b r i g h t a f t e r n o o n s k y.
Wilmington, Delaware, USA.

Yesterday, I saw these clouds again.

--((They haven't shown their faces since the
1 9 9 0's -- wherehaveyoubeen, c l o u d s?))--

have come back around;
they came to watch

am I who I said I would become?
[hopes, prayers and dreams]

There's this expectation,
this stillsmallvoice that asks;

are you all I thought you would become?
--haveyouliveduptoyourchildhooddreams?--
Did you even dare to follow MY dreams?

the child asks when I see her --
she is a distant shadow,
I barely remember her at all.

She is me. I am her.
((And I want so badly to please her.))

I want to bend down to whispers the secrets,
of living a life unchaperoned --youbecometheversionofyouinyourdreams.

I see me in my child's eyes,
She is in my child's eyes.
The child asks me to grow up and be.
the parent I am ready to be.

The child in me asks me to
live the dreams I used to see.

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3. SWEET TEMPTATION

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The universe is giving you a sweet ((temptations)) —
As ((temptations)) are delicious, they feel good;
erotic.

It feels amazing to be devoured in ((temptation)),
especially when you can resist.

When you accept the ((temptation)) as is —
you are able to withstand more easily,
and ((temptations)) starts to feel so good.

You are blessed beyond all measures as you relish in the ((temptation)),
And resist/accept/believe that the ((temptation))…
Is all in your mind.
The more you accept this,
the more rewards are in store for you.

It is a very rewarding feeling.
To resist, to abstain, to love from outside.
To feel ((temptation rising)),
To subdue it as an alternate reality.

Next lifetime, sweetie.

Change and shift the perspective:
((Temptations)) feel good.
((They)) are not evil in ((themselves)) alone.
((They)) are a part of life.

And if one can accept ((them)) for what they are:
It can feel good to resist the delicious ((temptations))

The magical mind visions that are…
flaunted, twisted and yours.

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4. CRAZY PEOPLE

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dangerveryhotwater.

Let me tell you,
The crazy people
are always the most:

fun
bold
wild
unrestrained.

You will never laugh, feel, breath — live — as you do when:
you land on the island of misfits.

hang out with those thrilled with life
l o n g e n o u g h
and you will breathe in —

[inhale]

spontaneous thoughts mixed with reckless behaviors.

a n d a s y o u [e x h a l e]:
time stops, and slows down.

you will never feel as alive.
As when danger rounds every corner.

your focus is never as focused,
your breath is never as deep and poi-ant,
fear never feels so palpable and real.

It’s the thrill of being perfect for a brief moment —
it’s a version of a ‘type A’ perfectionist.
for the toys on misfit island.

Their motto: live perfect and survive to tell the story.

I feel wild with their energy,
When I visit misfit island.

it stirs me.
procures me.

The energy is timeless,
((neither masculine or feminine))

The problem with these energies
is that it drives me to be more wild;
And the wild(her)ness lives, breaths, drinks my soul
If I’d let it.

These toys on misfit island,
Make me feel,
And less stable.

And Darling, I need stability.
Please, I’ll be living misfit island for awhile.
And I’ll call you on a rainy day —
I come back soon.

when boredom knocks on the door of routine.
a n d i n e e d a b r e a t h o f f r e s h a i r.

Because I am just a toy that grew up on misfit island.
And being inside the whirlwind makes me feel nostalgic
For my childhood.

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5. WHITE MAGIC

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There’s fast magic, there’s slow magic.

It’s the difference between black magic and white magic.
We innately desire fast cures.
Anything to take away my problems
— NOW — magic.

Win the lottery, magic.
Cure my illness, magic.
Now, God, Now! — magic.
And sometimes it shows up.
And there is a price to pay for fast magic.

We live in a fast world,
a society dominated by now.
Faster cars, fast music, fast food.
Immediate gratification over-haul.
And I am guilty.

But when you break it down — it’s all just black magic.
There’s a price you’ll pay in the end, magic.

The fast food may taste good now — but it will slowly rot your insides.
That drug may have cured those symptoms now,
but you’ll pay a price for turning off those “warning signs”.
Those cigarettes may ease your anxiety now,
but the irony is that if you live long enough — it will kill you.
Black magic is fast magic. And we are all addicted to it.

White magic is slow, peaceful.
It takes its time.
The effects are subtle and slow.
Healing is a journey, not a time stamp.
You can’t trace the source of white magic,
it’s ever so patience and kind.
It gives only love,
and truly does no harm.

Yes, you read that right — there are no hidden side effects.
No one is killed in the process.

White magic is:
the magic of the garden.
a seed that grows right before your eyes
And develops into a beautiful flowering plant.

It’s watching a child grow into an adult.
It’s day by day, hour by hour — magic.
It’s the magic from drinking tea in the morning,
or chatting with someone you love.
It’s a hot bath and a good book.
It’s timeless.

And with that I’ll pass on the need to consume that now — magic.
I’ll wait for some good, wholesome white magic.

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I took this picture in Denver. He was a true, starving poet -- sitting outside, writing poems for people who paid him. And when he finished, I caught him handing his poem over to me. I always felt like I caught him, for who he truly was. It was such a vulnerable moment when he passed his poem, that he just wrote tome.

And this is what it feels like. This image is how it feels to share your thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams in poetry to others. It's vulnerable, heart-wrenching, handing-over-your-diary feelings.

And I want you to know that, respect that. Because that's how open artists feel, and that's how we are suppose to feel: when our work is right.

His work impacted me so much. I wear the moment on myself.