Photo Source : pixabay.com
Over sometime now, my life became too busy that I couldn't put up with myself again. I usually stayed confused, drained and so exhausted. I felt I needed a break from life, a break from every activities that had the tendency to consume my energy. Even breathing became difficult because it seemed every breath brought work to me. I've always cherished solitude since childhood, I loved the "me to me" time when it's just me and my mind communicating with each other but for some months now if it's not even up to a year, I haven't had quality time with myself.
I can't remember the last time I laid on the bed with my ear piece plucked in my ears , listening to gospel music, cool country or soul music for some minutes without a call coming in, or dad sending me on an errand, or my sisters trying to initiate a conversation I don't pick interest in.
To be frank, I lost balance, I lost control over my life, I felt it wasn't the life I wanted to have, not the things I wanted to do but socialization demands that you make time for others too even at the expense of your own personal moments. I've struggled to balance attending church activities consistently, at least I wanted to be a consistent Christian because that's the society's definition of good people, those that sleep at the feet of the Lord every minute of their lives with their hypocritical lifestyle, meeting up with rehearsal time, running errands for dad, being there anytime my mother needed me as well as listening to all my younger sister's complain and helping out with her assignment, I still had classes and tests to attend to, events people needed me to show up and friends who felt I should make time for them in order not to be labelled as a snub or a proud human.
There were days I stayed without remembering there's something called food, I slept tired with an empty stomach because I either couldn't choose the food to eat or I didn't have enough strength to transport the food from the plate to my mouth.
The funny thing is that no one understands how you are or how you feel when you wake up after a terrible struggle with sleep all night, your bones too tired to let you hop out of the bed but you're being seen as the strong or tough one so come on girl, don't disappoint them! wave the fatigue away, do the chores with a smile, take a light shower and zoom off with your normal strenuous routine, the last time I checked, the word "rest" was scrapped out of my vocabulary as well as my brain. Times back before my life lost its balance, I used to reward myself, I used to have a good definition of fun, maybe not with a crowd of friends but with myself seated somewhere peaceful over a bottle of chill drinks and snacks while the music crawls slowly into my ears speaking mildly to my soul, there and then, i could have the inspiration to write so many things but I lost those times. I've realized one thing during these moments , the older you get, the more responsibilities come to you and you can be a fool by running away from it or by footing the whole responsibilities, I'd advice that in all your activities, just make time for yourself so you won't end up not understanding yourself anymore. Humans are very complex, they need constant study and continuous observation and assessment to really discover them.

Photo source : my photo
So here am I, I've lost myself, I've lost the gentle girl that enjoyed resting in the arms of solitude, away from the world. I'm here, still alive, still strong yet lost in the world, I woke with a smile on my face , I haven't had a straight five hours sleep in nearly a year now but I think it doesn't matter to others, that's just a story for me so I pulled myself together, abstained from all traces of human, I left my phone with my younger sister to attend to any call that disturbs the life of the phone , I tried to take my mind off everything and sleep but sleep deserted me, Now I'm here on the bed, typing this without thinking of editing my words, I just thought of letting my feelings flow without having to care about how well arranged or how perfect the words come out, of course all my life I've been cautious so loosing myself for a moment won't take anything away.
Now this is it for me, I can't feel myself again, I can't have my life the way I want but I'm glad I'm still alive, though I'm trapped in between the wave of stress and living for others, I'm happy I still have my breath and I'll stay alive, I'll get myself back, I'll get that girl back, I promise!
We all do this to ourselves, we overload ourselves with work neglecting the place of rest. Some even consider rest as an act of laziness, we want to earn the money, make friends, get popular, achieve big things but what happens when you break down after all the work. Earnestly, it's in moments of solitude that you really discover how far you've gone with your life, things you've neglected and the ones you have to revisit so take that time off and have time with yourself, create a time you reflect on your life, we all need this, everybody does.