STUDY CONFIRMS UGLY WOMEN HAVE MORE SEX

Research conducted at the prestigious Scientific Teaching Institute proves that ugly women have more sex than pretty women. In a crushing blow to men with trophy wives, the research concludes that “men in relationships with pretty women have only a third of the sex that men have who are in relationships with ugly women.”

The study involved a UK-wide survey, conducted outside of a 24-Hour Tesco Superstore in Swansea, Wales, involving exactly 1,000 Welsh men. Of the 1,000 Welsh men, 822 said that their female partner was ugly. 177 said their female partner was pretty. One respondent was removed from the final results, on account of his partner being a sheep.

On average, the study showed that ugly women “put out” around three times per week. Pretty women only opened their legs once per week in comparison.

“The study is worrying” says Dr Cherry Boshangles, resident research director at the university. “If the results are true, then it means men with pretty girlfriends are more likely to catch prostate cancer. This means they are more likely to die early. This means our line of evolution will become uglier, on average.”

He added with a smile: “But at least this means our descendants will have more sex, on average.”

The survey, sponsored by Viagra supplier LimpDick®, suggests that men who want more sex should fall in love with an ugly lady.

“It’s just not worth having a pretty lady on your arm, if you aren’t going to get the chance to use our products” said LimpDick® CEO Charlie Chafer, speaking to @TheRealNewsFeed at the self-service till in Tesco. Our reporters confirmed that he was buying pastries from the reduced section.