Sometimes I think I’m the wrong species…

Being human isn’t easy, and with all the discussion around depression lately I figured I’d toss in my two cents, seeing as I have some experience with it. I think mental health is something everyone navigates, and each of us has a different path to walk—but we’re not alone.

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Ever since I was a little girl…


I’ve always felt alone. Being an only child didn’t help. I wanted to be a fox, or a cat, or a tree, or a dolphin, or a unicorn. Or a dragon. Definitely not a human, though. People were strange long before I heard the song by the Doors.

The first time I thought about wanting out, I was in grade four. I remember lying beneath an elephant-leafed plant wondering if I could kill myself with a knife.

Why? Because I felt terribly, horribly alone. And I felt like every mistake I made, every wrong thing that happened to me was my fault, and that I’d never be good enough. So I wanted out.

I’m grateful I never went through with those thoughts, which visited most frequently in my teens. I lost my uncle to suicide, and have seen it impact many people’s lives. Those thoughts of wanting out showed up again, briefly, when I was deep in postpartum depression, but I sent them away.

I sent them away.

The good thing is that I recognize the pattern, now. I can derail the depression some—choose different thoughts and not get dragged down into the darkness.

But the sadness still rises. The feeling of aloneness prevails.

I read somewhere that being alone is part of the human journey. That loneliness is something all of us deal with. And I know what I need to do:

I have to be so strong in myself that I need nothing from anyone else.

But, fuck, sometimes I’m not. Or maybe I am that strong, it just hurts.

Being human is one hell of a ride.

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photo: Nat Anfield | model: Katrina Ariel


Here I am talking myself down…


I’ve done a lot of soul-seeking, and studied spiritual philosophies from various places in the world. I believe in a Oneness that holds us all, and it helps when I go big picture and remember this.

We call it different names, and have different archetypes as an attempt to understand the divine with our human minds, but any way you slice it, faith is a powerful thing.

Tantra says the Goddess, Shakti, breathes herself into you when you take your first breath, and breathes you back into herself when it is time to return this body to the earth. The one becomes the many in order to experience itself.

I am that. You, and I, and everyone else comes from the same source.

Chi.
Prana.
Life force.

These exist in us all, in trees and animals and storms. The world is alive and we are part of it.

More than one spiritual teacher has talked about the illusion of being separate from the divine energy that runs through us, that this illusion is the root of loneliness. Okay, I know in my heart that the oneness is real, but I still manage to fall for the old human trap of forgetting.

And no, I haven’t been meditating enough lately. But playing music counts. And I get on my yoga mat every morning without fail—except for some mornings, like today, when I go outside barefoot and do my practice in the grass.

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But I'm human…


Being human is hard, especially when I’m hard on myself.

And it is so easy to be hard on yourself when you’re a mom. There are also some ridiculous hormones that go along with being a mother, and they don’t necessarily make things easier.

Almost every day a cynical voice in my head says, “You picked the wrong profession.”

Thanks, voice in my head, but that isn’t really helpful.

But it persists. Because I don’t really want to feel like a slave to two little boys, constantly picking up a house that will never stay clean, having them do the opposite of what I say, or complain when I’m trying to help them. Why did I think having children was a good idea?

Being on call 24/7 takes its toll. And I’m only four years in.

When I lose patience, I’m hard on myself.

When I’m tired, I’m hard on myself. And I’m feeding them, but don’t feel much like feeding myself, which doesn’t help. When they’re driving me crazy, I remind myself that I chose to have children, and you know what? Taking responsibility isn’t always fun. Owning up to my own issues isn’t fun.

And when I look at the state of the world, it is frighteningly easy to feel hopeless.

But I love my children, and I love this planet, and despite the fact that I sometimes think I signed up for the wrong species on my current earth trip, I’m grateful for this life.

So I soldier on, laugh as much as I can, and try to keep things in perspective. This too shall pass.

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photo: Nat Anfield | model: Katrina Ariel


I’d rather feel…


Being able to quiet my thoughts can make emotions not so intense, and I think there is wisdom in being able to witness the workings of the mind. Meditation and mindfulness have helped me a lot on my journey. But I’d never want to be a monk. I wouldn’t want to try to be calm and even-tempered all the time.

I’m a passionate person and I can’t hide it, which has gotten me in a lot of trouble, but it’s who I am. And I’d rather experience the fullness of life… to suck the marrow out, so to speak.

So I try to find peace in the low points, and enjoy the highs as much as possible. I try to embrace who I am and appreciate life as it is, right now. Because I never know how long this gift of a life will last.

Carpe diem, all the way.

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Thank you for reading this.


As intense as life is, we can help each other by honouring each person’s humanness, and stop expecting anyone (especially ourselves) to be anything but human.

We need respect each other and realize mental health affects everyone in one way or another. It’s okay if you’re struggling, and you don’t need to hide. Reach out if you need help! None of us are alone, even though it can feel like it.

Honestly, Steemit has helped me feel less alone, so thank you!!!

Take care of yourself, you are a gift!

Peace. @katrina-ariel

Katrina Ariel
All photos mine unless otherwise credited.


Author bio: Katrina Ariel is an old-soul rebel, musician, tree-hugging yogini, and mama bear to twins. Author of Yoga for Dragon Riders (non-fiction) and Wild Horse Heart (romance), she's another free-spirit swimming in the ocean of Steemit.

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dragon art: Liiga Smilshkalne


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It takes a very real strength to be so open and honest about depression, feelings, helplessness.

You are none of these and all of these.

Complicated beyond reason and yet, so simplistic... you are comforting to know.

Oh, yoga, meditation and music are my heroes. So is a friend with ears big enough to listen to it all.

And much love. Tip!

XOXO

So is a friend with ears big enough to listen to it all.

I am so lucky for my friend down the road. I go over to her ranch and just say whatever I need to, and she listens, and comes back with empathy and wisdom, and we laugh so much. lol!

Thank you for the love, love. Glad to know you as well. Big hugs!!! 💖

Thank you Princess for such a honest and beautiful Post. The way you articulate your Humanity ( and in sense all of our Humanity) is so eloquent and deeply touching.

Being Truthful like this is NOT always easy. And to be able to write down on paper ( or in this case type on a Computer) what your feeling is such a true Gift. Many people do not have this.

I think sooner or later we all have to face certain demons in our Minds. It's pretty much inevitable. After all we're only human beings with neurons that are constantly firing off crazily in our heads as well as emotions and hormones and a plethora of other factors we have to deal with.

Some can deal with it while others unfortunately have a tougher time with it.

But the more we talk about it like you are doing in this Post the more we can help people learn how to deal with it. And I think the better off we can become as a Society... even though its small steps they can add up over time :)

Thank you for doing that, Princess. So awesome.

But the more we talk about it like you are doing in this Post the more we can help people learn how to deal with it. And I think the better off we can become as a Society... even though its small steps they can add up over time :)

This is the kicker, for me: talking about it. Talking about things that can help, or just getting feelings out so they pass. But yeah, we all struggle sometimes, so it's important to remember we're not the only ones. 💖

This is a wonderful post and I do think that many humans feel like they are in the wrong species but hang in there, as time goes by, things hopefully do get easier. I get the part on being on call 24/7, I do feel like running away from my kids but seeing as to how adorable and how much I would miss them, i'd reconsider.

Thanks for the kind comment. Yes, when I get time away from my kids, I tend to miss them. lol! And things have gotten easier for me as time has passed, I agree. :)

Thanks for sharing your journey Katrina. You are smart and talented but life now is concerned mainly with raising your boys. Try to embrace this as time goes by quickly and one doesn’t know what the future holds.
What you said about loneliness is something we all have in different degrees. Perhaps missing the connection to the divine or higher power as we live our life here on earth.
My 97 yr old aunt has suffered many heartbreaking losses. When asked the secret to her long life, said she lived for the day..not yesterday or tomorrow but today. Blessed be dear friend. ❤️

Yes, live for the now. That's the only thing that really exists. Not always easy to remember. Thanks for the sweet comment. 💖

This struck a chord with me, I had a very similar experience. You know it's interesting, feeling alone and depressed, because deep down you know you're not. For example I don't know you, but I instantly feel a connection since we had a similar experience and reaction to... feeling alone, but in that, we're... not alone. It always made me feel better during the tough times, less alone, knowing there were others having the same trouble I was having somewhere out there, even though I didn't know where. For example, you and I :-) Thanks for the post,

Thanks for reading and for the kind comment. Yes, that sense of camaraderie counts, even if you don't know someone well. Not alone at all.

I loved this post so much and so much of yourself that you shared in such an open honest way. I SO value full rich shares such as these. They’re so powerful and like road maps for others along a path that can be so hairy, disheartening and downright difficult. I can relate to MANY of the things you shared here, especially not feeling like I “belong” here or even just- where DID I come from and what’s going on here and do I even want to be a part of it. Thanks for sharing your heart 😘resteemed love that these rich convos are happening here

Thank you! 💖💖💖 Yes, I love the rich dialogue that Steem encourages. Honesty is so important. And I totally get this:

not feeling like I “belong” here or even just- where DID I come from and what’s going on here and do I even want to be a part of it.

lol! Funny, not funny, but funny 'cause so many of us share this experience. Much love to you!

It's really a shame many of us suffer through depression and take us to soo many dark places. It's so hard maintain fortitude for others and keep going when there's barely enough to keep going, with tears welling inside. It sucks to vent and bring down someone else and it's worse to bottle it up inside. It's all so complicated to deal with while we're on our journey...

I pray it'll get easier to manage, pray for the strength to go another day. I'll pray the same for you @katrina-ariel and hope depression will leave us all in peace and serenity.

I'll resteem your story~

Thank you for the kind comment and resteem, but especially for your honesty. Yes, it can be hard. Gratefully, the tools I've collected to help me do actually help, but it's a daily practice. I keep focusing on the beauty, keep remembering to count my blessings and try to live for the here and now. Peace to you! 💖

We share very much the same philosophy. I have so many tools, so many philosophies to help me, but every now and then

I still manage to fall for the old human trap of forgetting.

I understand you on the motherhood thing for sure. I'm almost five years in. I remind myself that they do get more and more self-sufficient. And of course, we adore them :)

Of course we adore them... in between the "OMG what have I done" and the wanting to bang my head against the wall moments, I adore them to bits. lol!

Keep going, mama. We'll keep each other good company. ;) 💖

Your writing is really nice... Thanks for sharing your philosophy 💗

Thank you for reading. 💖

Oh, sister from a different mother and father :) I so can relate. It seems to me that creatives are maybe even more impacted by the feeling of somehow not belonging. Often, that search seems to be the factor for wanting to create.
Good for you that you are on the Yoga mat every day. It does make a difference. and why motherhood never ends, pretty soon, it will not be quite so physically demanding anymore.
Being a parent is such a journey!
Hugs and love to you.

YES! My sense of being an outsider and my passionate emotions have yielded a whole lot of art, from writing to music and visual creations. Deep breaths and friends help! Much love and gratitude! 💖

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