The Day I Lost a Friend to Suicide

This is the story of my friend who took her life in 2015. She had been suffering from Depression, and was at the young age of 18 when she chose to leave this world. Even though she may not be popular, I believe her story is worth telling, so that everyone of us could learn to eradicate the stigma associated with Mental Illnesses. This is a long post, but I hope you get something valuable from it.

NOTE: If you are emotionally or psychologically triggered by stories of Suicide, I advise you to please not read this post. Thanks!

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The Happiest Girl I've Ever Met

You lived a great life, Jameng. And even though death took you away so early, I know that you have fully given your best into this world. You were so full of life! You are, and I'm serious about this, the happiest girl I have ever encountered in my life.

That’s why, looking back now, I could say that I have always been quite impressed by you, J. A lot of us could never be the way you were– the way you were able to live your influential and profound days here on Earth.

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When you were new in our college organization, I thought at first that I would not like you because you’re the exact opposite of the most of us. While we’re all introverted nerds hoarding over geeky stuff, films, books and soundtracks, you were this truly bubbly girl who was always noisy, shouting and extremely happy. You befriended everyone so easily. We even branded you as FC or “feeling close” because of your jolly, talkative behavior. But after some months, you proved us wrong. From all of the freshmen members, you stood out to be the most efficient and practical one.

That’s why you were able to deem yourself worthy of the most esteemed position– the leader of the organization. You were, by far, a perfect candidate because as we observed, you were able to balance your academics, org life, sideline job, family, and love life altogether. Yes, you were amazingly capable of being a superwoman.

Or so I thought.

The Nightmare

It was September 7, 2015, at past 5 pm. My officemates (and also, past members of our college organization) Pola, Elton, Shujin and I had just finished our office meeting. We were just preparing to adjourn when all of a sudden, our old friend Jairus was calling Shujin. We thought it was just a random update regarding our college organization. But after some minutes, when Shujin dropped his phone, he seriously looked at us and said,

“May sasabihin ako. Wag kayong mabibigla. ‘Di pa to confirmed. (I have to tell you something. Do not be surprised. This has not been confirmed yet).”

“Ano yun Shujin? (What is it, Shujin?)”, We instantly responded.

He looked at us with serious eyes and a shaking voice.

“Patay na daw si J. Nag-suicide daw. (Jis dead. She committed suicide.)”

Our breathing stopped. Tears instantly rolled down our eyes and we slumped back on our seats. Fudge. What the heck is that!? Is that a sick joke?! We thought it was not true. How could something like that be a fact? That was plainly impossible.

Our hands were shaking wildly and tears would not stop rolling from our eyes. The conference room had gotten so cold and our officemates’ attentions were all glued on our situation. We couldn’t move or speak. Then, just a few moments after, another friend, Nare, was already calling Shujin. And as they solemnly talked, our lungs were hanging in the air. Every passing second towards knowing the truth was killing us.

And yes. It was confirmed. Nare and the others were in the house of J as of that moment and she’s dead.

J'sdead.

We were frozen on our seats and extremely shocked. How could J even commit such a thing? This was so impossible! She is such a joyous person, isn’t she? She is okay, right? We let the news reach another friend and officemate, Ivan, who was also in the office as of the moment. For a split second, we all stood in Shujin’s office cubicle and just cried. We didn’t know what to do. This is a total joke! Then in a snap, we hurriedly packed our bags and decided to come to Bulacan to visit the situation.

Meeting our Lifeless Friend

We all just sat in silence as Shujin drove the car in the middle of traffic. He was crying softly while wiping up his face. The rest of us were staring blankly at space in the backseat. There was no background music in the air, just pure silence. And it was deafening. We were all in disbelief. Utter shock has filled our heads, and random questions screamed inside of us. In my mind, this was just a nightmare I will soon wake up to.

But the truth is, this is reality and J is the one who will not wake up again.

Dread was hanging in the air. Because it was the middle of a rainy season, the thunder roared in the clouds above us and the pitter-patter of rain was soon falling on the road. It drenched everything on our sight. I looked outside the window and pondered the reasons why J would commit such a thing. It’s just so hard to bear and swallow the truth that she took her own life. Yes, I know that lately she had been feeling down in the dumps because of what happened to her relationship with her boyfriend, but I didn’t know that it could reach up to this point. Maybe, there was something more to the surface we didn’t know about—some underlying dilemma about family, school, etc.

When we got to Bulacan, we met with the other org members and alumni. They relayed the rest of the details to us and as we talked over dinner. After, we proceeded to St. Matthews to visit her body. The grieving family said that it had not been prepared yet, not yet made- up, dressed up and placed on a casket. But it was okay, we still wanted to see her. So we did. A part of our group stayed behind, while 5 of us went to the morgue and approached her lifeless body.

It was so heart-breaking.

I looked at her and my heart just shattered into pieces. She was there, lying on the bed, so calm, but not breathing. She was still very much the J that I knew, except now, she was dead. Blood clotted around her neck, and the traces of the rope that grasped her head was still evident. She had left us speechless and shocked. I looked at her, and I cannot imagine how much tragedy she went through just to end her suffering.

How can someone so young, so beautiful, and so full of life, die so early? I wiped the tears rolling in my face and patted the shoulders of my friends. We left the morgue with sad hearts and promised the family we’ll be coming back tomorrow night. That night, my friends and I had a restless sleep.

The next day, we came back to the wake. For the second time, we saw her lifeless body— now embellished inside a white casket. She wore this beautiful, silky, white dress and lay lifelessly in front of us. We looked at her and saw the struggle painted on her face, the pained emotion that her muscles had permanently contorted to, and the innocent J that seemed to say, Wake me up from this nightmare, I am just asleep.

A few of my friends cried, while my heart just… cannot believe this dreadful happening. I am not used to seeing J without a smile on her face. I have not known who this sad J was. In my head, the secret version of herself was the one who took her away. Still, I was in in total disbelief.

My mind drifted away for a moment. I cannot believe how fast these things had happened, how fast people can suddenly pass away.

Learning her Struggle

After a few sleepless nights, my friends and I did an endless search about the other real side of J—the unhappy one she never chose to show us. We checked her previous tweets and blog posts and were able to conclude that she had already been long depressed. This suicide of hers was not a spur-of-the-moment decision. It had already twinkled in her mind for so long.

Ever since last year, even before her break-up with her boyfriend, she had already been depressed, and romanticized about death. Everywhere, through the last months, there were hints—suicide symptoms that manifested in her. Signals that shout I am going to kill myself. Help me! Yet, it was too bad that we were not able to pick those signals up. Too bad for us to think that J was so strong to be able to survive her personal horrors.

Somehow, we also realized that through her months of depression, she didn’t give up so easily. In her blog, she said that she even consulted a psychiatrist and asked for the guidance of a counselor with what she was going through. She talked to people and vexed out her problems to them oftentimes. She also had her outlets—skating, writing, org, etc. Conclusively, she tried to live a good life and squeezed happiness —or what was left of it— from her days here.

She tried. She definitely tried. But the sadness was too much and she got eaten by her own demise. She got swallowed by the feeling of emptiness and low self-esteem. She let books and films about death trigger her thoughts. Until finally, she gave up. Still, we cannot blame her. It was her choice to leave and end the pain. But I only wish she would have stayed. I only wish that she was able to see the bigger picture and realize that someday, she’ll also get out of the labyrinth, this maze of pain she was experiencing. Somehow, if she was only able to hold on, a few months or years after this phase of her life, she’ll realize that there is hope, and that life does get better.

As I looked at her, I cannot help but wish in the wind. I wish that I was able to sprinkle her with my optimism and positive outlook in life. I wish that I had talked to her more, and gave her more pieces of advice about life. I wish that I had known her better. Maybe then, if I did these things– if we, as her friends, did more of these things– we could have taken a little slice of the pain away. If we reached out more and convinced her harder that her problems would soon end, perhaps we could have saved her.

But J's gone and all we have to do is to accept what happened, however hurtful it may be, and however puzzled she all left us. I guess her death will always be a mystery, and we can never understand her reasons however we try, but all we can do is wish her well and hope that wherever she is now, there is peace in her heart.

A Final Resting Place

Somehow, when she was finally buried on her resting place at the Memorial Park that eventful Saturday, I felt calm. Even though I felt sick to my gut and I couldn’t sleep thinking about the pain she went through, in her last moments before she was laid down six feet on the ground, I wanted to remember her as the happy girl that I knew. The girl with a wide grin always plastered on her face, shouting and laughing every time I see her. The girl who wore cute dresses and big ribbons in her head, full of warmth and sunshine wherever she went to. The girl who had a strong and vibrant spirit, who thought that for once in life, everything was possible. The girl, who, before leaving this world, gave her all.

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In the last moments of the funeral service, the Pastor said that if J was still alive, she would want us to be happy. She would want us us to smile and not cry even though she’s gone. She would want to infect us with joy and not see our tears rolling from our eyes. The Pastor said that even though she’s gone, she’s still the happy J that we once knew. So I was comforted with that thought. I was comforted with the fact that J's heart will break if we keep up with our sadness. So at that moment, I want to embrace in my heart that J's passing was perhaps meant for a reason I would someday understand.

I looked at the people who were there at her funeral service, crying and letting her go. As I was there, I had my last thoughts– thoughts of gratitude. I wanted to thank her. I wanted to thank her so much for teaching me something before she left this world. In a way, she taught me to value life more. To live it in the fullest way possible, day after day, because anytime, I can be gone from this world. To love and care for people more, and to never let unsaid things wreck a relationship, because anytime, these people I love can leave my life. To value happiness more, and not get eaten by depression, because life is beautiful and it is bigger than the sadness it could sometimes give.

So thank you J, for being a teacher of life, and of death. I never could have learned these lessons in books or even in films. These are personal learnings I only got from you.

As we cried and said goodbye to her that eventful Saturday morning, we finally felt peaceful, because she is now going home to the Father. We reached our hands into the air, and said our prayers for her. And as we released her balloons in the sky, we knew in our hearts that her soul is finally free, flying with those balloons towards the heavens. It might be a long way up, but I know, with high hopes, that she will get there. I know that eventually, she will be able to forgive herself and let the light carry her soul, and she will reach that place where she can keep smiling and laughing forever, and where all her heartaches will be healed.

From now on, she will be in heaven, skating and eating Oreos with God.

Rest in peace.
I love you.

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This story was first published in my personal blog, the-mind-candy.tumblr.com.