Shedding /reflections after Samyama, silent meditation/

One of the first days when I got to the ashram ( a spiritual hermitage if you are questioning 😊 ) I questioned myself why, why am I here.

Thoughts running through my head: It’s nowhere near as great as the ashram in India, it’s cold, I’ve invested so much money to come here and time to prepare and now I’m sleeping on the floor in meditation hall with hundreds of others.

Why couldn’t I just gone to some retreat in Mexico where I could sip superfood smoothies at an infinity pool and do yoga in fancy yoga leggings. But no, I chose a place where it’s cold, I have to literally wear 4 jumpers all the time and they all have to be white. Coming from Panama I didn’t realize how cold the ‘cold’ can be. So many doubts. So many questions. So many why am I here. Why not somewhere else. It’s not like I don’t know how to meditate, eh?!

And so I watched all these thoughts coming in and leaving my headspace, in and out, like recycling a big pile of garbage. And I just sat there. Just reminded myself to be. At one point, I think after a day or two in silence I realized it’s about destroying, about getting rid of the stuff not getting more into my garbage pile.

How can I ever have more space to observe what’s going on through my mind if I keep adding? If I keep adding new experiences, places, people, things. This wasn’t about adding, this was about cleaning the space. Destroying those compulsions that I’ve been running after. Destroying the want to be somewhere new all the time. Destroying the need to take another picture and post it. Peeling layers to get to the soul/source/myself, call it how you want it, but you know what I’m talking about.

When it’s just you and you, when there’s no one who observes you how much do you really need? Do you need your hair to be blonde and shiny? Do you need those new shoes and that super vegan fruit bowl in the newest brunch place in the town? No, you can sit in 4 layers of ugly jumpers, hurting knees and embrace how you have fooled yourself around.

So yes, shedding. Those layers. And don’t get me wrong, I love yoga leggings and healthy food and all that crazy unicorn lifestyle but I know it’s not the source and it can become an entanglement if we get too carried away in it. Watch yourself.