"Should I marry someone whom I am not sure I wholeheartedly love?"
Hi,
I am in my middle thirties and live with someone. The relationship is basically OK, there are ups and downs and sometimes I am certain that I love him but at other times I feel it is just a habit.
I am hesitating about marrying him. My family and others expect me to marry him and indirectly press me to go in that direction. Although I am not sure about the whole thing I cooperate with this whole project. If I told my partner about my doubts he would get hurt, so I keep my thoughts to myself. But deep down I am not sure I should get married again if I have doubts.
One thing I have realized over the years was that one has to compromise. One can’t always fulfill one’s dreams and there is nothing to be done about it. Although my partner is not the Prince Charming I have dreamt of, he is indeed a good man. He works, provides for us and has good qualities. For now, I compensate myself by watching naked men in porn websites.
I am so confused, what shall I do?
Iris
Creditgrenomg
Iris,
As always, everything begins with the self; with you. Your reality, the life that you live and the events that you draw to yourself accurately reflect the inner images that you hold.
Therefore, if you believe that you need to compromise about your love life that is exactly what you will get – a spouse who has good qualities but whom you do not really love with all your heart, who does not physically attract you as you want and deserve. Facing such a situation you rationalize to yourself that people need to compromise in life. Consequently, wider reality reflects that too and provides a family that expects you to get married, no matter what. Baffled by everything that happens, and disconnected from your inner self as you are, you feel terribly confused to a degree that you are not allowing yourself to follow your own feelings and impulses.
What do you expect to happen? That some God from above is going to descend towards you and say in a thunderous voice: “ you should not marry that guy, Iris”? !. Things like that would never happen because life works differently.
You must reach a decision by yourself after you have examined your beliefs and have chosen only those that serve you. The truths remain the same – you can have what you desire in life; you have the power to create what you want; compromise is not necessary and only takes you farther away from yourself. If you choose to keep those beliefs stick to them firmly and closely examine your life in their light. Do you really love your partner as you want to love someone? Are you really attracted to him the way you deserve to be attracted to a man? Is your partner a man with whom you can share your whole life? Are you living with your spouse only because you want to or partly because you are afraid to be alone?!
You were wise to realize that our partners are not there to fill gaps that we have. If we feel that we are not attractive enough then even the most beautiful/attractive person in the whole world would not change that feeling. For a short while we would indeed feel better about ourselves but soon enough that dark hole will appear again. Therefore, you need to marry for the right reasons and those are found when you make it clear to yourself what you expect to experience in your relationship!
The first practical step, after you have examined your beliefs and made your choices, would be to act with honesty and share your thoughts and feelings with him. YES! Be selfish throughout the process because only when you are happy will the others also be happy. If you marry someone now only to satisfy your family, you will be sad, and in time they will be even sadder, for they will feel how miserable you are.
It’s time to be brave; first and foremost with yourself and then with the rest of the world.
Good luck!
In my opinion our life is really mysterious, means sometimes we move into fantasy world and we want an dream relationship and dream world, but that's not the way the life is, and only beauty cannot fulfill the life because if we are loving someone because of their beauty and money then who knows how he or she is from inside means we cannot judge and if someone is in relationship but the other partner have the doubt in that relationship best way is to talk about doubts with each other in that relationship because we have to face all aspects and if we tend to talk about any doubts about the relationships that in turn is great for both, because if anyone is living their life in confusion then an relationship cannot be stay as fruitful. So understand your relationship and try to watch the inner beauty because that's important in life because our skin and body is perishable and one day we have to leave this world but the most important aspect in an relationship is true love and spiritual connection. Thanks for sharing and wishing you an great day. Stay blessed. 🙂
You just described the path of life for us, humans. ☺️👍
Thank you for appreciating my words. 🙂
Before I read you response. Here is what I think. She obviously cares for him. Sometimes she thinks she loves him, sometimes she has her doubts. To me, it means she does love him. However, because she is not certain whether to marry this guy or not, she should wait with her wedding. Unless she tries to take a gamble. Sometimes it can save thir relationship, if they get married now. Otherwise she would keep postponing every time her mood changes.
I completely agree with you when it comes to attraction. And she definately should ask herself all these questions you mentioned. I agree:
The only thing I’m not sure about is your answer regarding compromise. If you are talking about compromising her feelings, I agree. But, if you meant compromise itself, such as “if this or that bothers you, I stop doing it and the same expecting from him at some point” I think, this kind of compromise is necessary in marriage. This person should be worth the compromise.
That’s just my opinion.
We are on the same page, mate.
A wise advice coming from someone with experience!🙏
I think the best thing to do, is just to follow your heart. Listen to your inner voice. May takes some time, but it can give you the answers.
Wish you luck and happiness <3
It is really a trouble if you do not know enough yourself. It is sad to hear such story, and as I reflect on it, I have realized that it is a matter of honesty. Be honest with yourself of what you really feel and communicate. Communicate with your partner in all honesty, let him understand where is the doubt coming from. Let him know about the things that you shared in here. And if after that conversation you feel like you are a bird that have been set free from his cage, then I hope that you can find your true freedom, not from your relationship but from the bondage of self-doubts, maybes, second thoughts and what ifs. I hope you will find liberty from within. And just like a caged bird who has been freed, I hope you will find your true self, not what your family, friends, or colleagues expect you to be, but the real person the Lord designed you to be who is free from all pretentions. I hope you will be a bird that will soar high and will not live by merely pleasing the people around you. And this goes to the people who have been caught up with different situations in life that led them to choosing between difficult choices. To the people who have been so doubtful that finding the way out seems very impossible. This is for the people who have been so confusedof the situations in his life just like what I’m currently going through. We’ll pass through this. 🙂
I hope that you can find your true freedom, not from your relationship but from the bondage of self-doubts, maybes, second thoughts and what ifs.
Indeed. The mind is doubting all the time😏
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him...
They feel the love, the potential of the relstiondhip... And yes, sometimes people, not only women, act upon a whim.
Good point 👍
Well its a amazing post and related about our married life, and i read the all of your comments, but I thoughts when you marrying with some one, then you should be sincere and stay with him or her to whole life. That's a sauces of life, otherwise nothing, And that's true. That's all,
when there is love there are no doubts ,
you accept the person unconditionally
you even love his drawbacks
It is better to remain unmarried or lock your heart with a merciess padlock than to marry someone with whom your love is just like an ocean wave, with ups and downs, highs and lows, simply which is conditional or which produces doubt in you whether u can live a happy life with him or not.
Indeed.
Dramatic relationship is not healthy for the longterm, let alone fun.
If there is not full fledged sureness it can't be love.... It in simple term is we like something, some qualities, some actions, some features etc but that can't be called love. It could rather be called infatuation... So the only option is decide between love and infatuation... We can do wonders if we succeed doing that.
And this is why the divorce rate is so high these days. Time will unfortunately make the moments where " sometimes I am certain that I love him" slowly disappear.