Sunday, paddling day and some deep thoughts of monday morning

We have been paddling only once this summer although the weathers have been corgeous, so last weekend we decided take a rematch and went paddling to the lake nearby. We were supposed to be there early in the morning but we suffered from a slight hangover from last nights Rally partying so we were running late and started out in the afternoon. I'm so clad we went anyway since it killed the hangover and got us (at least me) feeling fresh again. I hate to spend time inside if the sun is shining like this, so this was a perfect way to avoid the gym and get the days excercise while enjoiyng the sun all day. I chose these darker pictures on purpose although they don't do justice to the weather. It's just that most of the pictures (taken with our iPhones) were ruined by the excess sunlight. Not that these were very good either, but here they are as proof of paddling anyway.

This time we rented a kayak for two for the whole day so we could stop at J:s mama for some bbq and sunbathing and didn't have to hurry back to the renting place. The break was also needed because first of all -paddling is hard work for both the shoulders and the back, and secondly, sitting on that hard little bench for hours makes your butt feel numb and at some point I really needed to check if my ass had turned as flat as a pancake or not. Lucky me; it still was in its former glory.

We truly enjoyed our little get away from the city center where there have been lots of buzz lately because of the Rallys. Neither of us is interested in the competition itself or the hustle around it. I don't even like cars in general so the rally has basically nothing to offer for me. The city is growded with people who whistle and catcall when you walk pass them. That kind of attention makes me feel somewhat stupid; like I was only a pair of boobs or something, or walking there only to be noticed. I know many of those gestures are meant to be compliments, but I don't need them and they make me feel uncomfortable. In this case, I'm the "tightass" girl who wants her attention more smoothly. Perhaps through a conversation and small gestures like a warm smile and tactfull compliments. The only exception is my partner of course, who gets to touch, whistle and do what ever she (or he) wants, in order to make me feel like the most amazing and beautiful creature on earth.

Deep shit alert!

(Do not read if you're not interested in topics like cheating and emotional blabber)

We have also been going through a little (read: not so little) chrisis in our relationship which escalated about two weeks ago, so a break in the nature to clear our minds was more than needed.

You know how frustrating it is when your partner doesn't understand your thoughts and feelings and ends up hurting you even more with her/his actions? In our situation the other one is hurt and insecure and constantly battles with fears (because she has been cheated before) and another one is too tired to care or help her build the trust because she feels like she's being blamed all the time and nothing she does is enough. Misunderstandings and hurt feelings and then more damage and pain. The difficulty is, that both of us want to figure things out and stay together because even if it's rough the love doesn't end. Fuck I sometimes wish it would end. Things would be so much easier. Sometimes I feel, and I think she feels too, that what we have is a love-hate-relationship. Lots of ups and downs and unneccessary hardships in between the good times and happiness. But hey -at least there are feelings, spark and passion involved! Tons of feelings, both in good and bad. I'm not that stupid I would abandon that.

One thing I don't understand, is why some people think it's okay for them to "intrude" into others relationships and that way try to break them. Or let me refrase it; help breaking them, since of course they are not the only bad guy there and the one who is in a relationships is responsible for what they do too. By this intrusion I don't mean subtle, harmless flirt, but rancid provocation, suggestions of going into bed, naked pictures and excessive flirting that crosses all the lines and goes beyond of what is okay. I mean of course you are allowed to do what ever you want and get all the attention you want if you are single, but what's the satisfaction in doing that with people who are taken and causing harm to them and their relationships (especially if you know they really are in love with each other)? Is it the excitement and the thing that it's somewhat forbidden? Or are these people simply just so selfish that they don't think of the consequenses of their actions and respect others? Where's the moral and conscience?

And another thing I don't understand: if you only want to be friends (and that's what they have said when tryin' to explain things) then why do you feel the need to flirt so much and as a single you can't dig the attention elsewhere? Like from the people that are more than friends with you and on top of that, single! It's not like you wouldn't get it elsewhere. And is the attention from others so important, if you already have an amazing partner who basically worships the ground under your feet and walks around with pink heart-shaped sunnies on? Of course it is nice to get noticed by others sometimes, so that you know you've still got it, but what's the point in taking it to the next level? Why play with the fire and cross the line if you already know it only causes more trouble and you'll end up regretting it later? I'll probably never get answers to these questions.

One explanation I heard recently, is that some just like to provoke insecure people by teasing them even more. What's that about? Is it that they are so insecure in their own life or is it jealosy or what? I'm an empathic person and I'm usually able to understand others point of views and somehow relate to them, but this kind of behavior goes beyond my understanding. I don't get satisfaction from teasing others in any way, it only makes me sad. So excuse me for asking -what the hell?

In my opinion people should take the responsibility over their own actions. We live in a social contex and the things we do, have consequences and affect other. It's not like you can do what ever you want and it's others responsibility to deal with that. If you want to live with and among other people, you must understand that you can't treat them however you want and blame them for the damage you have contributed.

I'm also struggling to understand that if you feel the need to share the story with your friends, like most of us do, then why can't you honestly tell all of it and not cut off the parts where you have been bad and only show others in bad light? If they have to share it, then why can't they just fucking tell it all straight from the beginning and stop choosing only the parts that makes them look innocent?

So that's whassup! How about your lives, something more ordinary and stable perhaps?

xxxx,