Hi, my name is Laura and I am an alcoholic.
This will be a hard blog to write.
In a society that normalizes and even encourages binge drinking it can be hard to even tell if you have a problem. In my case, I am now 29, have multiple diseases that are worsened by alcohol, and am experiencing hives and vitamin deficiencies likely from drinking. So, it's safe to say the fact that I still keep convincing myself it's okay to drink a little is a problem.
A few things standing in the way of me and sobriety is boredom and being around booze daily. Because I am unable to go out for more than about 30 minute increments and am cooped up I tend to get bored couple that with a roommate that drinks regularly and an abundance of booze at arm's reach and we have ourselves a problem. Oh also, clearly I have an addictive personality.
However, as my conditions worsen and I learn more about just what will happen if I keep getting fatter with PCOS I am thinking I am ready to throw away any excuses. Women with PCOS tend to be overweight or obese because our bodies can't metabolize sugar or refined carbs and turn them into fat. Also, people with type 5 (like I have) suffer from insulin resistance. In my case, my interstitial cystitis also makes it very hard to work out much. This all lead to me feeling hopeless and kind of giving up. While I am not afraid of death in general I am certainly afraid of slow, bloated, type 2 diabetes death. Women with PCOS are far more likely to develop diabetes.
So what do I do?
I need to cut out beer and liquor altogether, clearly. I also definitely need to cut out sugar. I need to cut out refined carbs. This becomes hard for me because I am really poor and often was relying on ramen noodles. But I can at least replace that with brown rice. As I have mentioned I also have restrictions due to IBS, IC, and am vegan. So, it will be radical change.
How do I avoid falling off the wagon?
I don't have an answer to this and it's repeatedly my downfall. I make it for a week, 2 weeks, a month and then I am drinking. I can't really make it to meetings due to my issues. Perhaps an online support group? If any people here quit a very bad drinking addiction without the help of meetings while still being exposed to people who drink I would love some advice.
It is easy to lessen the issue by saying I deserve a nice IPA after a hard day's work and I DO work hard but how is something that is contributing to my illnesses and sending me straight into my death all while aging me prematurely a reward? I clearly need to reframe mentally what I consider to be rewarding. I need to learn to reward myself with healthy things. Time with my book and herbal tea, a nice bath. Anything but "just one beer" that becomes a 6-pack.
So, anywho, I am just writing this to get it out. To take accountability. To have it in writing that I am aware of the very real threat alcohol currently has over my life. I reinstalled the sober counter on my tablet and I am going to try again. I am going to try to distract myself from constantly thinking about not drinking. And have decided to take 3-4 15 minute walks around my neighborhood every day. Even if I can't be out for long I can be out in the sun for little patches throughout the day. I am not going to blog about this constantly and will only leave updates monthly on my progress.
The main thing that pushed me over the edge was adding up how many calories approximately I was consuming per week in alcohol which was nearly 4,000 extra per week. That is over 4lbs a month just based on drinking booze. PCOS definitely will make weight loss a lot harder but I can't pretend I am not running head-first into diabetes land by continuing to drink. I need to really start valuing myself and my life.
Now, I am just hovering and afraid to post this because it will really put it out there. I live far away from most of my friends and the extent of my drinking can remain hidden. Once I post this it is out there.
P.S. - Books can be really helpful for me in changing bad habits so if anyone knows of a good book about getting sober that might be enlightening, let me know!
This may be off the cuff, but I figured it can't hurt to throw out there in the off chance it could help. Years back I was gaining "a bit" of extra weight drinking mostly lots of fruit juice. Funny thing is three pint glasses in, still felt thirsty. Plus, all that sugar (especially in grapejuice, cranberry juice, etc), converts right back to carbs. I got to a point where I "rediscovered".... WATER!
I find no greater satisfaction when I'm thirsty than to drink a pint-size glass of slightly-chilled filtered water. And now, if I ever feel like a little bit of juice (or even wine, beer, etc), I drink a glass of water first (or even 2 or 3 if it turns out I'm really thirsty). Half the time I don't even want anymore after that, I'm completely satisfied! Otherwise, I tend to drink sometimes even just a quarter glass of juice, wine, etc, and take the time to savor it and enjoy it even more. Not to mention there's no better way to detox your body than by running as much fresh water through as possible.
It's also a bit of a psychological trick, because you're not denying your "urge" outright, you're just asking your "urge" to have a glass of water first, then see how you feel. After that, if you still want a beer, etc, hopefully you'll get your fill much sooner.
So, it's kind of win-win however you cut it. Well, that's how it seems to work for me at least. Maybe something in this resonates for you in some small way as well. And as for the extra weight, I fell back to my normal weight range within a few months, and haven't looked back since!
I never drink juice. I almost exclusively drink water aside from my alcohol which I am trying to cut. hehe I actually have a painful bladder disease that makes it so I have to drink a TON of water and almost any other drink causes flares. Fruit juice is out of the question. So, that helped me to cut out every other liquid calorie but I am legit addicted to booze. :(
So far so good in cutting it out though. But it's only been like a few days. LOL
I drink more than the recommended amount of water because of my disease. Probably a gallon a day. But it doesnt help my addiction to booze, sadly.
I'm glad you've found a way to hold out so far. Wish you the strength to keep up the good fight.
Thank you! For me the solution has been to be more active and busy. I am dancing and keeping busy and moving around more! :)
ah yes, that's a big one for me too. I have no problem keeping busy. but staying active while working on computers, sometimes I get complacent. very important to routinely take breaks to stretch, get exercise, catch a few rays of sunshine, etc. to help keep the blood flowing smoothly
I actually just posted a blog about incorporating movement into your day and it focuses on how to do it while working at a desk too. Like I just got a standing desk for my home and I try to play music and dance or just get up and stretch. I can still use the pc fine while sitting so it allows me to alternate! :D
Thank you for the thoughtful comment by the way. <3
Please, DO NOT GIVE UP!
Sincerily @andropench <3
Thank you. <3
I really think I am ready to not give up. The stakes are too high.
It's a promise!
Thanks for sharing. Sorry can't help with any good sobering books.
hehe that's okay. :) You're welcome.
When you are young and single, like me, it's hard to avoid drinking. Most events I'm invited to has something to do with alcohol. I'm sure you can do it! Stay strong.
Fortunately I cant really go out so that'll make it easier. XD But yes, it is a problem I experienced in the past. Most events always involved drinking. :<
I wish you the best in overcoming this issue...
Do you have any support groups in your area? I have found, and many agree, that it is unusual to overcome something like this without help.
😄😇😄
Like I mentioned in the blog I cant really get out... I am severely disabled. I wrote more about that in past blogs but basically after 15 minutes out I HAVE to go home. No choice there. Which is why I was looking for maybe online support as an alternative.
I wonder if there are any AA groups that meet using online tools like Skype?
In an online chat meeting right now. :) listened to 2 speakers and my turn is next.
Fantastic! Glad to hear it... :) :D
Thats what I was wondering! I am going to look it up. :) I bet they do. There are other disabled people out there and people that would prefer online meetings.
I've never really been addicted to anything, maybe online games and steemit :), but I know just having really nice beer around "especially a good IPA", is not a good idea. Because of the one drink leads to another. It works best for me to just not have any around because once I get started, it's on! Having some supplements on hand to take the edge off, "in lieu" of alcohol is one thing i use. Just take a couple of kava tablets, or some tea and relax that way. There are a whole lot of other herbs and things out there too so you could make your own mix. Then when you thinking about going for the beer to relax, just go for the supplements. It's hard to break a habit, much easier to replace it with another. Meditation works great too, but it takes a few weeks for the mind to quiet down enough for it to be useful. Hope this helps.
Yeah if I lived alone I could just not have it around but my roommate is always stocked up and doesn't mind me drinking his stuff so that makes it impossible to use that strategy. lol
Yes I plan to start my meditation again and its a fun idea to make my own mix. I already have a mix that is anti-inflammatory and helps with my PCOS and IC, I will look into adding some relaxing herbs. I get really "addicted" to learning about medicinal properties of plants and making mixes so that's actually perfect for me.
Thanks. :D
Yeah, that does make it tough, might want to turn this whole thing into a will power challenge for yourself then. Good to hear you already got the herbology going. Maybe try to send out a post once a week or month and let everybody know how you are coming along, might make you stick with your plan more?
I hear you. I have my own issues and can only share my thoughts.. You are so unbelievably brave baring your soul like you did, I'm in awe! Simply admitting you have an issue is a major step you should be unbelievably proud of. For me distraction helps. I tend to get obsessed with new things, like say, steemit. The meditation advice was excellent. I have not read about your disabilities so I can't advise further. Yoga helped me, but wasn't a cure all, nothing will ever be. Life is unbelievably hard and I really understand your dilemma. This is what has helped me *notice help not cure...when I have felt rock bottom desperate I have got down on my knees and asked God/the universe/whatever there is... to help. Help will come in unexpected ways, I guarantee this, just trust. Don't beat yourself up. Life is tough and you already have a lot to deal with. 💚
I am a pretty firm atheist so I really don't pray. It doesn't help me. Meditation and yoga have helped me in the past so I will definitely be doing that and like you said, new obsessions. I might just get really hardcore into Stardew Valley again for a few weeks. :)
Thank you it was really hard to post actually. After I posted it I found an online AA meeting and I listened to speakers and took the chair and shared my own story. They have online meetings 3 times a day.
Thanks so much for the thoughtful comment.
You are already on the road to healing by understanding and accepting that you want to change something in your life for the better. We don't always have to have the answer of how we are gong to get there, but just knowing that we want to be better, healthier, happier etc is all it takes to get the momentum and energy flowing in the right direction.
It sounds like your home environment might not be the best for trying to reduce exposure to alcohol, but that's okay, take each day as it comes, don't worry too much about the future, just focus on the now and try to enjoy each day as much as possible, no judgement, no criticism, just love yourself and know you have the strength to do anything you want to. Belief is one of the most powerful energies we have for change, so just believe, really feel it in your heart that you can do this, find your joy and connect with your amazing, wonderful and talented true self, expand your possibilities and listen for clues everyday, the universe will always answer. :)
Thanks a lot and that's exactly my plan is to just take it day by day and get outside as much as my shoddy body will let me, get sunshine, meditate. Already did a chat room meeting and found skype conference call meetings for support. So even though my home life isnt ideal hopefully I can still get where I want to be. :) Again, thanks for the nice comment. <3
Sounds like there's plenty of advice given here already so I'll skip that, plus you sound like you can absolutely figure this out! Just one word for you - avocado.