6 months ago, I booked tickets for me and my husband to do Tough Mudder. In the last 6 months I lost 16 kilos. This is not a post about how I lost it, but this is a little post from my heart about how I felt this weekend, which has been a little milestone for me in my (still ongoing) weight loss journey. Loosing weight is HARD. If you've been there you know, and maybe you can relate to this story. And if you haven't ever needed to, then you're lucky and I'm a little jealous!

Here is me, on Friday night. Starting my weekend at my 'End of Year' party at work. I didn't want to stay too late because I didn't want to be in bad shape for Tough Mudder the next day but I stayed to hear the speech that the big boss always gives at the end of year party.

She mentioned that there would be a prize for Best Dressed Person at the party that night. I was half paying attention to her, and half paying attention to my feet which were HURTING. And then I heard her say "Hannah" and people cheering, and looking around to see where I was. As a person who has been used to feeling uncomfortable in my skin for a while, I was thinking... no way did she say my name. I pointed at myself in disbelief and asked, "Me?" and she said, "Yes, you! Come on up here!"

Going to the end of year party and winning Best Dressed was the most amazing way to start my weekend. It was great to feel like the work that I had put in with dieting and the gym had paid off and I was really feeling confident and happy in my own skin. But on the train home I was still thinking about what was to come the next day and feeling unsure. I had texted my personal trainer earlier in the day asking her if she thought I could do a specific obstacle or if I was going to die (haha). She texted me this message:

It made me cry a few silent tears. Hopefully nobody on the train around me noticed, if they did they probably just thought 'that girl in the white dress has had a few too many drinks, look at her crying alone on public transport'.

Saturday my husband @rlamasb and I managed to do Tough Mudder Half in Sydney. It was amazing, scary, outside of our comfort zones and so much fun. On one of the obstacles, 'Soldier Sling' where you are supposed to carry someone from point A to point B, I actually managed to carry my 100kg husband piggy back-style without dropping him. I had thought there would be no way I could do that, but I did.

Although I managed to finish and get my finisher headband at the end, my Tough Mudder experience was not without tears. The final obstacle for the Tough Mudder Half was Everest 2.0, and I had been feeling serious anticipation about this obstacles for the last few months wondering if I would do it, and how many attempts it would take. I was really inspired by the girl in this video on Youtube who doesn't give up and just keeps going. I thought "Wow, she just kept going until she finally did it, that is what I'm going to do."

Ricardo got up on his first attempt, but I didn't get up on my first attempt, nor my second, third, fourth, or fifth attempts. The list goes on. I must have attempted at least 10 times. Psyching myself up each time, running as fast as I could, determined that THIS would be the attempt that I would have my 'Cindy Vs. Everest' style victory and be pulled to safety by the outstretched hands that were just inches out of my reach. And each time I would just miss those hands, slam into the slope and slide down to the bottom, accompanied by the "ohhh" noise of the people at the top, as they witnessed my failure again and again.

After around 10 attempts, becoming conscious firstly that I was becoming more and more fatigued and if I couldn't make it the first ten times, I probably wasn't going to make it now. And secondly that there were so many other people waiting and, even though I was letting other people go in between my attempts, I didn't want to be that girl who makes the wait longer for everyone just because I feel like I need to get to the top.

For the first time in the day I found myself walking to the "Bypass Line" to get around the obstacle instead of completing it. It was a walk of shame, which ended in tears, and a really awkward hug from my husband as he tried to comfort me whilst not getting mud on me, and I couldn't do anything to wipe away my own tears because literally every part of my body and clothes was covered in mud.

It was kind of a shame that that was the last obstacle, because I ended Tough Mudder on a little bit of a low. However, once we finished, had a can of Coke, some potato, some corn, and a pep talk from my husband about what an amazing job I did, and how I managed to piggy back carry him, and I should be proud, I got out of my funk.

I guess I realised that success doesn't have to be absolutely perfect for you to be proud. Yes, I didn't do Everest 2.0. Not even after 10 goddam attempts. But I still had a badass experience, and did something that a year ago I never would have imagined myself doing. Yes, I'm still a little chubby (or 'thick', however you want to put it), I haven't lost all the weight I want to loose to be at my 'ideal' body shape for myself. But do I feel great in my own skin right now? Fuck yeah!

And here's me today, on Sunday, at Sydney Vegan Market, with two creatures I love the most, @rlamasb and my beautiful dog. I may not be perfect, but my life is pretty wonderful, and I had the best weekend with the love of my life.

Have you done something recently that made you feel really proud? Or are you currently on your own weight loss journey! I would love for you to share yours with me, too.