My battle with substance abuse #1
Today the devil knocked at my door. and I answered.
he was in the form of an 18-year-old skater boy with braces.
and he wanted to see if I would venture the path again.
And I ignored his call.
it was hard, but he came a knocking, and I declined.
and I am proud of myself.
it has been 28 days since I last partook of the devil's weed.
i have never been addicted to the substance, only to the escape from reality it provided.
the clarity is astounding, if not for the emotional outbursts that accompany the comedown.
ok, so perhaps I should add some back-story.
I was a happy kid, albeit poor.
at 11, a friend offered me my first joint.
my mum had been a smoker, and once I took that first puff... I liked it.
it gave me the serenity to deal with the drama at home ( alcoholism and domestic violence.)
it was my escape from reality. a way to get away from it all.
and the thoughts.
omg, the thoughts.
perpetual motion seemed so easy.
carry the 1...
global power.
fast forward 20 years.
still smoking. by now I could have owned a house. car. kids.
but the Ganga had its teeth in me.
I remember one time, I was out trying to get some smoke with a friend.
whilst out, my partner's cat had been run over.
a gorgeous Russian blue.
and I got home, chopped, had a few
( he was already dead and in a box, nothing could change that )
so I got high - yeah. Towlie AF
Before we went to bury him.
that there, was the end of my relationship
she saw something I did not at the time.
I was hooked.
it owned me.
but did I quit? nope.
when my mum passed in July 2016, then my nan ( mums mum ) in August 2016 (a tough month that one )
my smoking increased... almost like the 2017 Jan to Dec BTC climb.
Before I knew it, I was smoking a bag a week. more if I had it.
By the time I realised in March 2017, I was up to nearly 2 bags.
$500 a week, on something that was destroying me physically and mentally.
And then something in me clicked.
April first, 2017 I quit. no maybes, just BAM, cold turkey.
I had realised I was using it as a band-aid. to not feel.
I still hadn't cried for my mother. Not even when she told me she was sick.
(she had been to her GP about a sore belly. 1st doc had said 'probably just an ulcer'. a month later... still no fix, so she went seen a 2nd dr. he took one look at her, and she looked 11 months pregnant belly and sent her straight to the hospital.
tests were done.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Signet_ring_cell_carcinoma.
he cried as he told her.
"If u can get strong enough within a month, we can operate."
She refused to die in hospital.
A family friend came down from central Australia and cared for her.
A friend from kindergarten. A registered nurse.
She was legally allowed to administer the morphine that would keep her comfortable,
and out of pain, till she passed.
at one point she said to me 'I'm glad everyone can be here, and be happy.
Those words still haunt me to this day. As does the cold stare she had when she passed :'(
to this day, 2 years later, that's the face I see when I drift off to sleep most nights.
sorry, I digress
wipes tear from eye as that part of the story gets too hard to tell
No wonder I don't get much sleep.
Sshe was only 56. taken far too early.
The most awesome woman you could ever hope to meet.
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/125960120811630193
(Pin by Leslie R. Currie)
I'm holding back tears-this was the most beautiful thing I've read in a long time and thank you for being strong and writing this. When I lost my mom in August 2016, I never thought I'd be okay and sometimes I still think that. You're such an amazing soul. Resteemed, upvoted because it's absolutely amazing 💞
not the song i was looking for, but
wow... very meaningful and meaty article.. I think ill start my own battle as well. congrats on your @c-squared upvote...keep bringing those quality content
its hard man. and the sleeplessness/ etc... if u can push past that... the first week is the hardest.
no.. actually... the seeing there is a problem, and stopping the cycle, THAT is the hardest.
agree with that...it is hard to wave off habits just like that
“The door to escape reality is always open. The room though, is just Another room in the same house.”
-M
Your blog when from little are images to a deep dive into your humanity. It’s always good to question the things we want. The things we think we need.
DAYUM. thats an awesome quote. much inspire, many wow.
Botty liked pony's post. This pony is strong, Sorry to hear about your mom :[
Stay strong human.
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laughs too hard
I am glad you found a way to improve your life.
I too lost my mom young, she was 51. I turned to booze. It was horrible I woke up sick and puking most mornings. The bartender knew my drink and I had my own stool at the bar. The damage I did to my brain and liver will last for a long time.
I live in Oregon where weed is legal, it's as little as 3 dollars a gram. Since weed is legal here a lot of people use it medically and recreationally.
Recent studies are finding weed helps to prevent Alzheimer's, which runs in my family. It's not up fo debate whether weed can prevent cancer, at this point it's largely proven. Both of theses ailments run in my family.
So for me, I believe I will continue. At least until and unless there is a better way to prevent the diseases which my family is prone to.
yeah, i never had any adverse effects from weed. except the financial side i guess. well, apart from the stuff mentioned in the post.
and have/had the ability to just give it up any time.
i have more beliefe in the correct dosages of wed being more advantageous than that of big pharma.
DEATHS BY SUICIDE
SUICIDE ATTEMPTS
source
Of those 44, this post may save just 1 of those people.
And then i know my job is done :)
This is where I was at before I wrote this post.
I had even gone as far as to search Youtube for 'Give me a reason not to suicide'
and youtube came through for me. it gave me THIS
I'm glad you wrote this.
I'm glad you're working on yourself.
I'm glad you're growing, as difficult as it has been.
Have strength that you're going to succeed, and you will.
Great post.
thankyou. it was very hard to write, but yet the words just came out by themselves.
Sorry to hear the sad part of your story. I hope you will make it my friend. Stay courageous and never ever give up.
thankyou. i appreciate your words. yesterday was a difficult day, and the way my mind was, i almost wasnt here to write this. but from rock bottom, there's only 1 way to go. :)
👍👍
hang in there horsie
I'mma tryin m'lady, i'mma tryin
👍👍
This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.
Sorry for being rude but if you know how to manage your body and your mind then you won't need drugs for sure.
At times the events around us can be brutal but you need to learn to embrace them and turn them into your Wellbeing. Becoming unpleasantness and doing all sorts of nasty things only causes misery to you and other people around you. Is that what is needed?? See for yourself.
Have a great day.
Love you. 🍌🍌