Wheres Mike...(2)

I sit here staring at a blank word pad wondering how exactly to write about something, explain something, that not even I, as a 27 year old adult, even still quite understand ...

Listen, the fact is... I don't know all the facts. I was a very small child when the next events were happening. All I know is that even still, 27 years later, they still affect me, they still affect ALL of my family, they've even affected my relationships at times...

I will state the same thing as I did before in that there are 3 sides to this story, His side, Her side, and then the truth. I have pretty much come to accept the fact that I may never know the whole 110% truth. At first this bothered me, but now as I venture back down this memory of hurt and confusion, I think to myself, I really don't think I even want to know the entire truth to be honest with you.

Fact of the matter is, my mother is and was an absolute stand up, amazing, wonderful mother. I truly believe that all the choices she made, she made because she felt as though she was "protecting me" (emotionally, physically, mentally, etc). She did what she felt was best for her baby. Being a mother now, I get it. I wont say I agree or disagree with how every situation was handled because again, I don't know all the facts and I don't know what she based her decisions off of, you know? But I do know that if it came down to it, I would do absolutely ANYTHING in my power to protect my baby girl... just as my mother did. I used to get angry, at how my mother handled the next few years of my life... but now, as a mother, I have completely let go of that, and realized that if I ever thought that there was even the slightest chance someone would hurt my baby in any way shape or form, I would do what ever it took to keep that person as far away as possible...

So...now that I've stated that... the burning question those whom have followed up to this point are wondering... WHERE IS MIKE ...

The "dividing" of a family is never easy, always comes with complications, and in most cases gets messy. Well, get your air freshener, because ours became a pig sty...

The next few years of my life were ones of discontent, confusion, manipulation, and much much more. My mother wanted nothing more than her perfect family with me, my dad Jamie and her. She wanted for me more than split holidays, two bedrooms, and step parents. So she did what she thought was the right thing for me and attempted to protect me any way she knew how... this included keeping me from Mike.

Was Mike perfect, no, by no means, I have heard from different parties that he should have/could have tried harder; that he gave up too soon; and that he got lazy with showing up when/where he was supposed to when told by the courts. But I also understand how trying and exhausting and mentally draining this entire situation probably was to deal with. One can only fight so hard and be shot down so many times before they finally throw up the white flag and try and pick up the little bit of dignity they have and finally walk away.

Mike took my mother to court and eventually got granted supervised visitation. My memory of those , (really my only memory of those visits for some reason) are those at my Grandma and Grandpa McCarty's house (the agreed upon place of visits). I remember as a little girl being down in the downstairs living room watching the lion king together. I remember we would walk down my grandparents all dirt road down the street to an old abandoned Amish school that was over 100 years old to play and look around. (I still visit this exact spot sometimes when I go home... its my way of feeling like I am close to those memories and truth I don't vividly remember) We would sit at the edge of a creek near by and throw pebbles together and watch the waves ripple. Ripple like the waves of the affect this situation had on everyone involved, ironically enough... For some reason those are the only few memories i have as a "toddler" or child under the age of 3 with my biological father.

My biological father did what he could to prove to the courts that he wanted to be a father and be in my life; and to prove that he could be a positive influence on my life as well. He continued to fight his case in court with my mother in order to see me. He wrote letters to the court, kept every returned piece of mail addressed to me, wrote down each time he tried to see me and couldn't...

Eventually after a long and painful battle, it came to an end... and my father mike was left with a very complex hole in his heart to attempt to patch up.
How do you move forward after something like that? After having someone tell you that you have lost rights to your child; that you may NEVER see them again...
No one knows how they will handle something until they are thrown head first into it.
From what i have heard this verdict sent my father mike into a tailspin of depression. Around the same time my mom met my dad Jamie, my biological father mike met his now wife, Missy.

Missy was Mikes rock through this whole process. Helping to pick him up when he was down and couldn't get back up. Many have told me how difficult it was to watch him go through all this. But he had to stay strong for himself, his family and for hopes of one day being reunited with me. Still to this day i couldn't have asked for a better more beautifully souled person to stand by him in this Journey. I will get more into all of this later, but what a woman to stick by his side through all this heart ache depression and trying times. Ill be eternally grateful for the amazing woman she is.
Mike moved forward, each day away from me just as painful as the one before. He and his family tried in any way to still have a window into my life. From watching soccer games from the parking lot with binoculars, to clipping news paper articles i was featured in, to photo shopping my little face into family photos, they continued to try to get any glimpse they could into my life.

Although it seemed to everyone around him that Mike had given up (including my mom and dad), he would prove this very wrong in the future... he had not in fact given up... but was simply planning....planning on the day we were together again....