Why Would I Make A Defamatory Baseless Attack On Ben Affleck? Because He Annoys Me, Next Question.

I'm not made of stone. I have feelings and emotions. I can be empathetic and charming. I'm not some sociopathic monster who attacks people just for the sexual pleasure it gives me. Look at that. Two lines in and I've already told 7 lies. I could be a politician, a journalist or an actor; but I've decided to be a C--T instead. Not that they aren't all a bunch of virtue signalling, lying c--ts. It's just I've got this thing called integrity. That's lie number 8. I'm on a roll. I don't have the time to be a c--t professionally like them. Or the contacts. Or the money. Or the good looks. Anyway, this is where Affleck gets his. The following is all a product of my twisted mind. It came to me while I was smothering puppies. Which isn't as bad as it sounds. I was being sponsored to raise funds for a charity called Guns For Kids In Africa.

(The copyright to this image is the property of The New Yorker.)

First of all the disclaimer. What follows has no evidence to back it up. Which doesn't matter in the least. It's now on the internet, so it must be true. Let's get on with this disgusting smear against a man who annoys me. It's not his fault Affleck has become my worst enemy. That only makes me hate him more.

Knowing your enemy is the key to exacting retribution. To this end I began to study Ben Affleck's life, so I could work out how to destroy it. Taking a look at his early career was a good place to begin I thought. It all started back in 1981, when Affleck got his first role in a movie. The Dark End of the Street, according to IMDB. I hunted that movie down, then watched it. For the longest 89 minutes of my life. At the end of which I came to a conclusion. This movie hadn't been released. It had escaped. It was abysmal, and so was he.

After some lengthy psychotherapy, to get over the suicidal impulses his performance gave me, I was able to continue my research. Not wishing to subject myself to another arduous marathon of wooden acting, I selected a safer role he'd performed. The uncredited Basketball Player, #10 in an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I thought I'd be okay as he had no dialogue and was only on screen for seconds. Despite the terrifying flashbacks I managed to get through it without further psychological harm. Foolishly I became far too cocky (Mostly due to Sarah Michelle Gellar I assure you) and ended up subjecting myself to at least 5 months of Gigli in mere seconds . I'd thought Dark End of the Street was bad. Gigli was catastrophic. I'm surprised it's screening didn't put an end to movie making world wide.

I was no longer prepared to risk my physical and mental health, in pursuit of destroying Affleck's career. If Gigli hadn't done it, what chance did I stand? I had however reached another irrefutable conclusion. Based on his lack of talent, and a complete absence of any acting skills, I had deduced the following. Ben Affleck is a man who knows what fat producer's cocks taste like. It's the only explanation for him having a career. The logic is clear and inescapable. He sucked a lot of cock to get where he is now.

This fact raised other questions. Did he cry during or after? I like to think it was both. The tears streaming down his handsome face as he choked on a throbbing producer penis. More than one I'm betting. I picture him being passed around like a joint. It gives me pleasure. As does the thought of him being forced to put on bright red lipstick and lots of eye liner.

I suppose you could say Ben Affleck has suffered for his art. Though not as much as I'd insist on. As he sobbed himself to sleep after each trauma filled blowjob, I'm sure it gave Affleck the impetus to learn how to act. Being used as a sex toy had major benefits. Motivating him to obtain a rudimentary grasp of the skills required to become a successful movie star. After all he did go on to win 2 Academy Awards. One for watching Matt Damon write Good Will Hunting. The other for directing Argo. So in the end swallowing all that salty baby gravy gave him the insight to admit he can't act, but he can sure suck a cock like a pro.

Obviously this is all pure speculation on my part. There's no concrete proof. But we all know it's true. It's on the internet.