My longing for nature, missing my father and some birds

At the moment I feel a bit stuck here in Berlin. I'm tired of all the traffic, noise, littering, ugliness. It feels like I have had enough of this city life. I'm longing for nature, for quietness, for feeling the wild wind in my hair, for hearing a heavy rain hitting the roof when I go to bed, for the sun in my face when I'm walking in an open field, for swimming in a lake, even in winter. I want to feel the force of nature. And I want to embrace it, fully. Go wild with it. Release the wild woman I have inside of me.

I grew up in the countryside in Sweden. It was very idyllic, even though I disagreed as a teenager and left as soon as possible, always wanting to live in big cities. Of course, that's only natural as a teenager. I had a need to rebel and break free, to find my own way in life. And for many years I never felt a longing for nature, the traffic in cities used to soothe me, it felt like a life pulse. Maybe I wasn't so connected to myself or maybe that was just a natural phase for me in my life. But the older I get the more I long for nature. At the moment I'm thinking a lot about how to live my life, and where. And how to manage to have everything I want even if I would live very remotely. How to not feel lonely. I think the solution for me is to live in a few different locations throughout the year. And I will do my best to make that happen.

When I think about my longing for nature I also think about my father. How grateful I am for having had such a great father who showed me nature's magnificence from a very young age.

In my introductory post, I mentioned that I like birds. As I wrote, they have always represented freedom to me. But since my father died they are also a connection to him.

I remember in second grade in school we got the question which animal we wanted to be. I wanted to be a seagull. Maybe not the most fascinating bird but it was familiar to me and I always watched them in the sky, flying over the water, and felt they were so free. No one really understood this in my class, some of my classmates just laughed about this choice, the more natural choice would be to choose a fierce lion or so. But well, I still remember this.

As I was growing up, my father sometimes took me bird watching. You had to get up really early in the morning, before sunrise, to be ready for the new day to awaken. In Sweden in the summertime, that’s really early, like 4 am. My father always got up that early. He always wanted to wake up feeling nature coming alive with all his senses. I wasn't as enthusiastic about these early mornings as my father but I was always glad I had decided to join him the times I did. Even though I never learned to recognize that many birds they created an imprint in me from a young age. I felt how everything in nature was connected, alive, ready for whatever the new day was going to bring.

Later, I bought a book called "To survive the day" ("Att överleva dagen" in Swedish), don't know if it exists in any other language than Swedish. It's by the photographer Brutus Östlund.

It's about bird's ability to adapt. Their whole existence is all about surviving the day and then the following night. And they do so in conditions where that seems to be nearly impossible. Somehow this fascinated me so much and really reminded me it's so important to live to the fullest, to be here in the now, not worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. We humans have so much to learn from nature and animals.

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As I'm thinking about what my next step in life is I feel great support and comfort thinking about my father and how it always was so natural for him to spend his days outdoors. He really knew how he wanted to live his life. Something I envy him for. It has taken me a long time to find my path but I also know you grow from every experience.

Before my father died I promised him I would really do everything I could to be happy in life. Many times I have felt like I have failed him. But I know it doesn't help anyone to be hard on yourself and I also know I have come a long way.

A couple of years ago I was traveling in Canada. In Vancouver in a small local design shop, I found a necklace with a robin. This bird is very special to me since it's one of my father's favorite birds and especially so towards the end of his life. I bought the necklace and when I want to feel more connected to my father, I wear it. I have very few attachments to my belongings (trying to live a minimalistic life) but this necklace is special to me.

I know I can create the life I desire for myself. I know for a fact that I'm already in the process of doing so. We all can. I'm not saying it's always easy but it's possible.

I'll start and practice gratefulness in a more structured way. Every morning I'll look myself in the mirror, place my hands on my heart and say three things I'm grateful for.

I'm curious where life will lead me. Since I left my career and life in Sweden about four years ago I've had a hard time to come up with a new plan. I hoped for a long time I would just wake up one day and have an epiphany. I realize now that's probably not going to happen. But I also realize everything I have done since then, every conscious step I have taken, has brought me closer to myself. To my true nature and I'm starting to feel it's time I'm manifesting more, expressing myself more. I have never had this desire before. Always been more of an observer. But my father is really my great role model here. Oh boy did he speak his mind in this life.

I miss you dad. Thank you for everything you gave me 💚