Letter to God ❤️

🎄Dear God❣️
I hope I stay true to You. Please make it clear when I am wrong. I am troubled Lord, how do I trust this head of mine? How do I find You through the clutter of insanity inside me? The thought of losing You terrified me. Your loving guidance and truthful simplicity is what I desire. How may I come to know You as a human is meant to know You? I have sinned over and over. I give all apologizes. I struggle with letting go of my own selfish desires. But I don’t want to sin anymore; I am sick of being egotistical. I ask You in mercy, how do I change? I want You in my life, but it’s so hard when You’re up above! If you were a person, or as Jesus a part of You, I would follow in my lesser place. But my humanity wants a kind hug from Someone safe. I long for words of wisdom spoken out loud from a Human You. Where I can see Your glory? I see You in flickering pieces of hearts; the lovely soul. Our true feelings! It’s a shame many hearts get broken and confused by thought. Don’t think at all, one ends up insane. Oh it’s a mess, tinkering on a tightrope trying to find my goddamn balance. Are You watching God, do You see us play? Are our trivial ideas about life on Earth funny to You who knows all truth? I am beyond happy to be human. It is a true blessing. Nowadays I fear truth like the fucking plague. Grateful You keep life a mystery. You melt the darkness into love, I can’t believe it’s not magic! It’s a silly idea of You as a parent, teacher and friend in One. You are incredible. 🦄

Have You seen how hard I fucking try inside this head of mine? I would like to understand what You want from a human like me. I can’t tell if it’s You coming into my head or the resulting disaster of a drug abused brain. When it fucks with me I push it all away, for I don’t know what is true anymore. Did you create a girl named Sophia, with her own personality, likes and dislikes? If You did I don’t ever want to lose her! I can create my own self with emotion and fantasy, but I’d rather be who You created. So how? How do I live life the right way? I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I genuinely feel this way now, and always come back to it. But my emotions hold the power of directing my will. I hope for stronger thoughts to hold them down, if You agree it's what I need. I wish for pure happiness, when You decide I deserve it. I offer my service, because I love You. I just didn’t know what the Hell I wanted before. I don’t want to be ugly inside, gross in selfishness. I can get myself into a chaotic mess of greed, but it looks such a pretty illusion in my mind. Ignorance is bliss they say, when the aware simply get greater of everything. We all get problems, only difference is their proportions. To feel extreme happiness comes a curse of extreme sadness, would You say it’s worth it Lord? Sometimes I wish, my head would go back to how it use to be. I miss the simple problems and normal worries. Those problems look so unimportant now, but I couldn’t see that until greater ones took their place! I guess the bright pink lining of those clouds, is I found You. I would have missed the opportunity of any lifetime, a gift to know Your love. I am blessed for it all, especially Your happiness teardrops. Do I ever get a happy ending? Will You allow me to humble myself to You, just so I can feel Your presence? Can You guide me by Your wishes, so a human like me can help them come true? To make You happy will make me happy, because I LOVE YOU. I am too sad and hopeless to be without You. I know my actions may not line up to the words I speak, but oh will You take the time to read my mind one day? It’s an emotional mess that is begging to be saved by Your clarity. My thoughts and feelings, my ideas of right and wrong; I get so confused by the opposing battles inside! How can You expect me to do right, when my mind tells me right and wrong are mere ideas? When I ask for Your opinion, but You are nowhere to be seen? Oh the sun it shines a pretty summer yellow light, is it You? At night the numerous stars of heaven twinkle in mystery, are You in there? Are You everywhere, as well as a being above we call God? I give You my soul and body, to please do with as You wilt. It’s always been yours, but as a fool I take it as mine to ruin my happy days with self will run riot. I tire of making the same mistakes. I’m sick of You testing me timelessly, it makes me angry. When I offer myself to serve, and instead I get a test of my will power. If I try to give myself to You and You don’t want me, if You find me too disgusting for Your time, then You are no Lord I want to serve. I’m sick of these fucking tests, go test the fuckers who get to sit around in their blissful fucking ignorance!!!! Give them the weight of the world to carry on their shoulders for a fucking change. STOP FUCKING TESTING ME GOD I AM SICK OF THIS SHIT. YOU TREAT ME LIKE I CAN UNDERSTAND BUT I CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOU OR WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME. Its starting to fucking feel like You expect perfection from me. WHILE YOU TELL ME I AM IMPERFECT. How does that make any sense???? It does not, it’s a hypocrisy. Reminds me of life, where the opposites are somehow One. Irritated as I get, I still want You to love me if You would. I am sorry for my harsh words, it’s obvious how You are greater than I. I want to be the girl You’re eyes planned. With Your love I love myself. Denying Your love, I grow in the dark and thrive into a twisted red rose. I can bloom spectacular in darkness. But without the light I can no longer see a path to follow, so I wander aimlessly. Without You Lord I have no purpose or kindness, so my name and face fades away. Lightless wanderers have lots of fun, until they stumble into a pit of self hatred. It seems I lose myself without You. So I beg of You to light my pathway, so I can see more clearly. Can I ever be, a wish come true too? 💫

🐛 If there is, no right or wrong way. I’ll fly like a butterfly, and be on with my day. A dream likes to be free, a dream wishes for night. But it’s hard to sleep, when I see a big fight! No need to wonder or think a long while. I’d rather feel love and bring up a smile. When I can be happy, why ponder in sadness? Now I may be crazy, but that would be be madness. 🦋

I love You forever God. ❤️