A Real Partner
I remember saying my marriage vows knowing I would be divorced. The idea of a traditionally, static life does not resonate with me. And while my ex-husband is an amazing person, his need to tie his life to “home”—traveling only for vacation/escape—and willingness to put his dreams on hold until a later, unknown date is not for me. If I ever do it again, get married I mean, it would be for the connection to the person, not the lifestyle.
Not sure exactly how to describe what I mean, the best I can say is that the connection I have with another person has to be about the shared development of life missions and related dreams, which is not necessarily tied to a house-type life. If I need help around the house or companionship, I have a community of people. What I really need is a partner-in-crime on a much deeper level.
Each of us needs to be able to move freely to accomplish our intertwined, yet individual missions while fully living a connection that transcends the need for a constantly shared physicality. That connection flows in and out of various states of closeness based on something bigger than us. You could say that I have always been fascinated by the concept of a power-couple, where each has a specialty that when put together can accomplish more than the sum of their parts. Add that to individuals that feel free enough to work together, alone, or with others as needed, and you have the makings of my ideal partnership.
As the years go by, I realize that this partner-in-crime will be a primary partner, but not the only one. There are many paths to reach a mission, and in order to get there, you need to live each one without traditional constraints. If your partner-in-crime connection is real, you will always feel that person's presence. No matter where you are, there will be something that draws you together in ways that nourish your true essence, not the psychological fears created in the physical.
Does this person exists?
...musings over tea overlooking the tree-lined landscape...
They don't exist.
I don't believe in love, I can't understanding love itself and it is beyond my mind. Then, the marriage, which defined by myself "two person tied together in the name of love", it is mean the boring way to spend your life, there is no freedom at all. Last but not least, I could say that emotion makes human weak.
I believe in love in its broadest sense, but I am not so sure I believe in relationships as they have been historically been defined. The funny part is that I don't think historically relationships were these monogamous things they have become today. I think that came much later with the invention of guilt. In tribal society, we don't see these types of patterns. There, union is much more fluid.
Freedom is an essential component for me. Without that, then you are there out of obligation, not desire, and for that, I would rather be alone.
Do I believe in love? Yes. I love many people, from friends to relatives to lovers to even some strangers. Do I believe in "the one" that is supposed to complete me? Nope. I complete myself, everyone else is just icing on the already delicious cake that is ME! :p
Very insightful message, imo.
You'll get no argument from me on your committed values, only admiration for your clarity.
I look forward to sharing with my history with you.
A bientot.
Wow. Strongly written, @zeusqraqen (Ashraf)!
I'm curious about the strength of your commitment to avoiding intimacy.
You don't believe in love; does that mean that people who experience deep intimate relationships are fooling ourselves?
Or perhaps it means that you believe that others have it but you can't?
I'm curious about how you think. Would you mind explaining?
And...do you think that you might ever change your mind about that?
Wondering,
Mike
A little tip Mike (@rortian): I notice that you often write the name of the person you are replying to without the @ symbol. If you want to tag that person in a way that they will see it, then it is better for you to use @ and the username. In this case, @zeusqraqen. Hope that helps!
Sure it helps. Thank you.
Even hearing your "voice" is important to me at this point. I've been wondering about how you've been doing, and I've missed hearing from you.
I trust that you'll get back to us with your next chapter when you'll be ready, @yvesoler.
best regards and best wishes
I have class from 9.00 to 19.00 on Fridays and Saturdays, so I tend to stay away from the computer. My intention is always to jump back on on Sundays, but while I do get here, my brain is not prepared for deep thought as I am still processing what my professors taught the previous two days and getting ready for the week ahead. Hope to be back in critical thinking mode by tomorrow!
I trust that you win't hurry on my accoun!
Here's how I deal with abstract values like patience (or goodness, or moderation or any good idea) that I want to apply as a commitment.
I'm striving for infinite patience (which of course is an ideal abstraction, like any value), while understanding that nobody's perfect and that it's silly to equate practical results with abstract values.
They occupy different metaphysical spaces. They're comprised of different substances; that's why nobody's perfect, faultless, or saintly (well, not in my experience, and in not in my theory).
This is a preamble to my diatribe on labeling, categorizing, soon to be made public. I'm working on a list of things to blog about while I sit back, listen, and chat.
So, please burst into prose whenever you've figured out what you most want to get to next and what your approach oughta be.
BTW, do you have an opinion about my very bold assertion about being a judgment-free zone? I suppose that I should publish a caveat about my commitment to imperfection before my friends here are turned off by my claiming the impossible!
In all honesty, I am not able to keep up with all the posts, sorry. This is your main area of research, so it makes perfect sense for you to crank out a post a day plus long comments on these topics. Mine is different, so I am falling behind trying to keep up with the emotional and philosophical exploration in addition to my already full plant research plate. Someone has to bring home the bacon and solve the world's problem with plant blindness around here! :)
I may need to take a step back and slow down my rate of response. I still want to connect, but at a pace that is friendlier to my own future developments.
OK. No worries.
@rortian Sorry because I don't explain my statement above very well. I did'nt mean that people who experience deep intimacy relationship are fooling themselve. Maybe its only me, cause I have a reason about that. And actually I believe the existence of love like @yvesoler has state before
except for the stranger.
I don't believe in marriage for the sake of love. For me it only just a contract. I don't know. hahaha I'm just a kid maybe I'm not wiser enough to talk about this.
Well, that's clear. Thanks for having replied, Ashraf.
I don't believe in marriage for the sake of love. For me it only just a contract.
Well, this leaves the possibility of combining both, is that correct?
And, Ashraf, would you agree with my belief that combining both would be considered optimal?
"I'm just a kid maybe I'm not wiser enough to talk about this."
Well, that's pretty wise, I think!
If you don't make a commitment about what you'll think in the future as you learn, then it might be easier to learn new ideas and change old ones. That's what I think; do you agree with that?
Thanks for talking with me. I appreciate it.
Beautifully considered and beautifully written, yvesoler.
Thank you for sharing yourself so deeply. Your message strikes me with awe, envy, and gratitude.
Thank you! I have been pushing to be more honest with myself. It is not easy, we veil so many aspects of our inner reality, even to ourselves. As you probably know from Lapiere's famous study, Attitude vs Actions (1934), we often don't recognize how inconsistent our actions are from our beliefs. At some point, I decided to be vocal about these inconsistencies within myself.
Man, is it hard. Just today I got hit with one of those when I read a sentence by a scientist that said, "My son was playing at his father's house", and I had to acknowledge that it sounded strange to me because my unconscious thought was that the scientist speaking was male. Even though I am an engineer and scientist and many of my female friends are scientists, I still fall back on ingrained cultural norms. Ugh.
Now multiply that by a thousand when it comes to all the unspoken norms we have around relationships, sex, and love. Even as I wrote that above, I thought of all the times those beliefs have been challenged when a partner acted exactly how I wanted. Even though it is what I want logically, it doesn't mean that the jealousy or fear monster within does not rear its ugly head from time to time. Add to that all the nuances around love languages, what it takes to feel safe, societal pressure, etc., and I understand why sometimes it is easier to fall back into the accepted cultural norms of our current society.