^{Warning: If you were drawn to this because of the flashy image,} please pay attention.

Welcome.

^{I am Mr. Himself}

Today we learn about reading and paying attention.

^{Please note: If you started to scroll down with the hopes of finding another flashy image to gaze upon, you have already failed this lesson and it hasn't even started yet. Please go back to the top and begin again.}

Please do not allow yourself to be tricked by the word paying in front of the word attention. You will not be charged a fee.

^{Please note: If the line above does not make sense to you because you haven't seen those words anywhere, you have already failed this lesson. Please go back to the top and begin again.}

Lesson One

 

I think I'm better than you(Please note: If you were already triggered into thinking I'm some sort of arrogant douchebag, you have failed this lesson. Please go back to the top and begin again.) at golf.

_{Please note: It's never wise to dive into the teachers personal life to begin judging the flaws in their personality, mid-sentence. At least give them a chance to finish what they are about to say, then pick them apart.}

Lesson Two

 
Just because I'm better at golf than you are, that doesn't mean you can't improve. It's meant to be motivational, not insulting. Relax.

Lesson Three

 
I thought I told you to relax!

^{Clearly, you have failed this lesson. Are you here just to mess around or did you come here to learn! Now sit down! Start the lesson over.}

Lesson Four

 
I'm sorry.

I've been having a few problems at home lately. I mean, I like macaroni; but macaroni everyday?

Look at my lunch today!

Fucking Macaroni Salad! Again!

That's the third time this week; and it's Wednesday!

Do you know what that means? Macaroni goddamn salad everyday!

Lesson Five

• First you take your spoon!
• See the spoon! Yeah! This spoon! This plastic piece of shit!
• She made me take them back home so she can wash them.
• This one has a name! They all do!
• Meet, February!

Lesson Six

• Dip it in there real good and stir!
• Round and round! You see! You see how I'm doing that!

At home she made me walk downstairs to where she kept an entire bathtub full of this goddamn macaroni salad. Everyday at precisely 6:55 p.m. ...

Did you stir the salad yet!

That shriek meant I had five minutes.

I got shivers down my spine just thinking about it.

That basement is cold.

Lesson Seven

• She made me use her canoe paddle to stir this mess because it was my fault I had splinters of wood stuck in my throat after she told me to use my canoe paddle!

Lesson Eight

• Buy health insurance.

Question:
Do you know how much it costs to have wood removed from your throat?

Answer:

My Truck!

Lesson Nine

• She was only with me because I had a truck!

I was busy stirring the salad again! I was mad! I hate stirring the salad!

She comes up to me and hands me some papers.

"Sign this," she demands with her I hate you tone of voice.

That put me in a dilemma because I knew better than to stop stirring the salad when she's looking over my shoulder to make sure I'm doing it right.

So with one hand I stirred and the other I signed.

Lesson Ten

• That's why I'm here.

I had to take on a second job teaching you assholes how to golf because I didn't read the damn document.

She ran off with some European man she met on the internet.

"Francisco."

She took everything I had and left me with a bathtub full of goddamn macaroni salad.

Conclusion

 
I just have to run home and stir the salad for a few minutes. If it goes bad, I'll starve.

You folks just keep doing what you're doing here.

Good job, or whatever.

I'll be right back.

Credits: _{All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me. "Can I borrow your bus pass?!" [email protected]}

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