Love out of Choice, Not Feeling
This is the 55th day he's been ignoring me. No eye contact, no conversation, no physical touch, no nothing. This happened ever since his best friend died in an accident. Since then, he never talks, goes to work and sleep, and repeat.
I don't know what to do. I'm terrified of one outcome. What if we break up because of this? What if our relationship loosen? I'm living each day afraid of what will become of us if this continues.
I've tried to console him, ask him questions, and hug him but he rejected all of that. I don't know what else I can do! Can somebody help me?
This moment is the point where I was helpless and afraid. It's that point I feel fear more than love for him.
When I'm afraid of someone, my body's self-defense mechanism kicks in. I will avoid, I will keep quiet and I will seize communication with that person. I did that to my boyfriend.
Just to realize it makes things worse. The air around us tenses up, silence filled the room and the car and my boyfriend's face remained the same old poker face, almost angry kinda face.
I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared
[In my mind] Suddenly, at the opposite of the river, I saw the me who is free of fear, filled with love smiled at me. She spoke. "Love of out Choice"
In that split second, my consciousness is back to present. I am still in my boyfriend's car.
Love of out Choice
What does that mean? Act what?
I looked at my boyfriend, still the same angry poker face. That sentence is stuck in my head.
Did she meant Show Love out of Choice?
I'm gonna give this some tries.
I braced myself and stretched my right arm out. I reached for my boyfriend's left hand and hold his hand tight. He continued to ignore. But it's alright. Along the journey, I rubbed my thumb against is hands. I think he felt something.
After that, I kept doing things that will make him happy. Cooked his favourite food, offered to drive him to work, massaged him. Slowly he began to accept and I hugged and kissed him.
Of course I am still afraid of him rejecting what I'm trying to do but "Show Love out of Choice" motivated me to continue showing my love.
A month later, he started to talk to me. Great progress! Finally he's decided to share with me what's going on in his mind and his feelings. It was a night-long conversation. All I did was listen intently and actively.
At the end, he gave a sigh of relieve and blessed that I am there for him. I cried and hugged him, thanking him for coming back!
We made up!
It was at that moment my sub-conscious mind told me to "Love out of Choice", not out of feelings.
Feelings are vague, unreliable and impermanent. If LOVE is ever about feelings, I doubt it'll last.
I strongly believe what makes LOVE last is Choice. That we choose to show love to our partners regardless of what we feel at that time.
Because actions precedes and affects emotions
You may no longer feel the "high" when you get together at first and think it's the end of the relationship. No, it's the beginning of real love.
Real love relationship starts when the "high" is over and the couple chose to show love.
The act of showing love re-ignites the feelings you once had when both of you first got together. The feeling of "high" can be created again if we show love to one another.
The starting point is Choice.
Do you choose to love?
Small Daily Practices is Tifa's mission to invite you to live an extraordinary life. She is not an expert, not a coach, not certified but learning is constant for her. She shares what she has learned in hope that you live your version of extraordinary life.
You will find her past works on Simple Daily Practices below,
Why did she started this?
| Relationship | Personal Mastery | Compassion |
|---|---|---|
| "I am grateful for I ..." | Check-in With Yourself | Forgive, Bless and Love Everyone You Meet |
| After Check-In, You Check-Out |
STOPBeautiful post @tifaong. It's so very true. It is said it's the little things that matter most. It is the little things, but not like many think. With her just reaching out to touch him during a time when most other would have walked away, it is that reassurance that she's still there not matter what.
I wish life were black and white, it's not. I wish that relationships are easy, they aren't. They take dedication, persistence, tolerance and of course love. Not just a sexual love. The love for a long term relationship is so very different. It is extremely hard to explain, but when you meet someone else who has experienced it both side know exactly what you're talking about.
One of the things I remind my kids is to 'pick and choose your battles' What you think is important right now won't be in years to come, so why harm your mate, yourself or your relationship over something you truly don't have any control over?
(BTW thank you again for you post. I feel bad that I had missed it in all the mess that was going on. I GREATLY appreciate it.)
Hey @trsykele, thank you for taking your time to read and commented authentically. I really appreciate it.
Looks like we have a lot of similar view in terms of love and relationships :) I too believe that whether a relationship flourishes or corrodes depends on the small little things that happen every day. They do accumulate and will create happiness or cause harm.
Yea, I get you. If I were to be in a short-term relationship, I wouldn't put the same level of effort and emotion as long-term relationship. The mindset is different.
"Pick and choose your battles" huh? I'd rather say "What's the point of winning if it means hurting your partner?" :D
It's okayyy, I'm glad to hear from you XD
I think you know me well enough by now that honesty is what you get. I honestly love your writing and perspective is very much like mine, but different and the way you rephrased the question I put to my kids when they get upset with their partners. It is so much better suited to the situation it puts the dynamic that they need to try to understand.
I'm glad you found something to rekindle your spirit.
Yes, I know you well enough and I'd want to appreciate you every single time :)
I'm sure your kids understands what you're trying to tell them, or show them. You're a great mother @tryskele. Parenting is so important now and I feel that you're doing it the right way. Keep on going !!
Thank you @tryskele, I've been doing some self-healing to overcome my fears and things are progressing well. :)
Thank you so much :) It is so good to hear that things are getting better. As I am constantly reminded you have to take care of YOU because no one else will and you are the only YOU you have.
I know others that should say it won't but you make me proud! I am grateful for having you come into my life :D
not want to think about it.
