Who would've thought?

...that the happiness you felt just recently could snap in a few minutes and you'll finally find yourself breaking down?

I was just going about my day the normal way, when all of a sudden, everything just became a blur and I suddenly found myself crying while staring out the window. Questioning whether what I'm into is even the right thing. We give the premise that we help build something to make lives better, but ultimately, we lead the way into the world's destruction. Yes, I know this may seem too deep or too shallow for some, but it's something I've contemplated since I was studying.

I've always tried asking myself if my purpose was still there, I felt like what I've wanted to do may seem too far-fetched, too hard to materialize. I began questioning my existence, later on I've read that I must be suffering from existential crisis.

I've always wanted to have a purpose in this world, maybe to help those in need, to help the environment at least. I didn't want to just live, to just survive. I felt like it was pointless trying to just survive without being a part of a greater cause. I felt like I didn't have a reason to live.

I wanna cease to exist, but I don't wanna feel pain. I just wanna be gone. I just wanna escape.

Maybe what I'm feeling is also a product of a lot of things combined altogether, my inability to feel a lot of things last year which just came back now and took a toll on my emotions, derailing it.

I've been off of work for two days now. I don't feel too comfortable going back after having my workmates see me breakdown.

Last night I thought I was okay, but something random came up and I just cried myself too sleep. I badly wanted to call my parents and tell them that everything hurts and I don't know what to do anymore, but I realized that if I go back home, I may have a hard time getting out again - that's a different story.