The Broken Hearted Writing Contest - Wisdom Through Pain

📷 Lesley Balcita
December 2017

“Ano bang meron siya na wala ako? Sabihin mo sakin! Wag mo na akong gawing tanga!”
(What does she have that I don't have? Tell me and don't make me look like a fool)

It was a gloomy day for me and my ex, we were both very busy finishing our clinical cases-we were exhausted after the day. What I thought was a petty fight that night turned out to be the most heartbreaking experience I will ever feel.

So classes ended, he didn’t attend class, he didn’t even approach me when he saw me walking out the building. He was just standing there, waiting for his friends maybe. I wanted to go home already but I have this intuition that something is wrong, I was uncomfortable. I couldn’t resist it -I have to go back. As my friends and I were walking back to school, I could already see him with his friend walking towards my direction but what I didn’t expect was my bestfriend- beside my ex-bf, giggling like they’re lovers. I was observing them and as I was doing that my heart was already being torn apart. I noticed the way he looked at her- eyes glimmering with love, laughing with utmost delights and a smile that was mine before- a smile he showed when I said yes, a smile he gives when he stares at me and a smile he showed when we first met, a smile I now know wasn’t mine anymore.

My tears was already streaming down my cheeks,my hands were shaking, I didn’t know what to do, there was a buzzing sound and then everything went black- the next thing I felt was my right hand throbbing, I looked at it and it turned red, it was painful. A shadow of a man was standing in front of me with his hands holding his face and then the buzzing stopped- that’s when I heard someone shouting:

“Tinay tama na! Iwanan mo na yang taong yan! Wala siyang kwenta! Manloloko! Tara na tinay please” (Tinay, stop. Just leave him! He's not worth it. A cheater. Let's go, Tinay. Please.)

In a flash, I became conscious with everything and everyone around me. I realised I slapped him in the face- so hard that even my own hand was in pain. The lines I thought I can only phantom in movies or dramas was what I said to him. Questions like “Pano mo nagawa sakin to? Bakit siya pa? Bakit yung kaibigan ko pa? Anong ginawa ko sainyo para saktan niyo ako ng ganto?” Bakit? Bakit niyo ako niloko?” (How can you do this to me? Why her? Why my best friend? What did I do to the both of you that I deserve this kind of treatment? Why? Why did you do this to me?) while I was asking him these I was slapping and punching him (of course it wasn’t strong) and instead of stopping by hugging or contemplating me, he pushed me like I was not important to him, like a rubbish he can dispose just like that. I almost fell to the ground and in that moment, my heart stopped and was shattered into fragments.

Prologue:

He was sitting on the bench along the corridor while waiting for me. I got injured so I can’t walk properly or in a fast manner. He was on his phone, texting. I noticed something different, he was excited. His facial expression says it all- he was “kinikilig” (giddy). He did not see me standing in front of him as I peek over his phone, I saw words that says it all.
Finally he saw me, my face suddenly changed, I knew something was off. He explained that it was not what I think it is. Then I remembered what a friend told me the other day, “ ate tinay, ok ka lang ba? My napapansin kami ng mga classmates ko. My something ba silang dalawa?”
(Ate Tinay, are you okay? We are noticing that there is something going on between them)-pointing to the driection where my bf and bestfriend were seated- I saw them looking at each other with utmost delights. I said “wala, ano ka ba. Bestfriend ko yan” (what are you talking about? There’s nothing going on between them, she’s my best friend).
I realised there was indeed something, I couldn’t help but to walk away from him, I can’t run because of my injury but I was walking as fast as I could but he was able to grab my arm, pulled me into a hug and said “I’m sorry babe, ayusin natin to please. I love you. Please tinay.” (I’m sorry babe, let’s fix this please. I love you. Please tinay).

I wish I never gave you that chance.
I wish even the possibility of you hurting me never existed.

The aftermath:

I was broken, totally broken. I was wishing that the event was just a bad dream, but it wasn’t. I was in the bottom of the pit, everything blurry and black until one of my friends told me while we were both staring at the rain. “Bumangon ka tinay. Pakita mo sakanyang di mo siya kawalan. Bumangon ka para sa sarili mo, para sa pamilya mo. Tandaan mo ang payong pag naiwanan, binabalikan, ang ex hindi” (Stand up tinay. Show him he’s not your loss. Stand up for yourself, and for your family. Remember this, if you left your umbrella, go back and get it but if its your ex, don’t.
So I finally woke up from that nightmare, kept myself busy, focused on my priorities and I got over him/ them. I have forgiven them a long time ago and I am thankful for everything that happened. It showed me how strong I can be to overcome challenges in my life. ☺️