20 Things I Learned in My 20's - Lesson 6: Gratitude
Lesson 6: Gratitude
Tonight is my post about Gratitude and I am sitting here on Ned’s floor, my cheek still stinging like it happened just seconds ago. This was NOT supposed to happen but last night in my Integrity post, I made a promise to write on Gratitude tonight, so of course this is the perfect time to write a post on Gratitude. Life can be SO ironic.
Tonight was not supposed to be me, heavy and listless, with a gallon of tears dried on my face and the residual feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin.
I don’t even want to sit in a chair. I want to stay here and better yet, I could dramatically lie prostrate on the floor, as befits a woman in anguish. This feeling is so familiar to me: Rage, depression, apathy, anger, incredible sadness, lethargy, defeat, shame, guilt, remorse, regret, and intense discomfort x50.
Too often in my life, there is a pervasive unsettled and nervous energy, a state of uncertainty and fear that culminates into anxiety. It seems it will not leave my side. I keep trying to pry its sticky hands off my body but as soon as I peel one bony finger away, it snaps back spring-loaded. So what does this have to do with gratitude? Well, I’m inviting you into my world for a second. It can be dark and dingy. It’s definitely not a rainbow oasis. It’s blood, sweat, and tears. Some laughs. Some smiles. Some love.
Or, is my world laughs, smiles, and love with some darkness, some dinginess, some tears?
I try so hard to be happy that I’ve given up on it. It is a phantom that walks through walls. It is a place of myth spoken of in hushed voices in crowded pubs, an X on a rolled up piece of vellum in the hands of a dead pirate. And I am like a colonial-era explorer, greedily saddling up my own ship with the blessings of a stately King and Queen to discover that mystical land of hidden gold, treasures, and happiness abound. Only to find it is Shangri-La, a fantasy.
And I had Shangri-La in my heart all the time, if only I opened my eyes to see and appreciate it. I can have anything I want, I just have to know I have it first. It is the ultimate koan.
Dream Rock - Amherst, MA - 9/2019
Gratitude is recognizing the abundance of love in my life.
Even when times are tough, I can always recognize things to be grateful for:
- I am grateful for my writing, it gives me an outlet. People say I think too much. “That’s your problem, Annette, you think too much!” Well shit, that’s why I’ve started writing again, because all this thinking has to go somewhere.
- I am grateful that I care so goddamn much. Something in my being won't let me curl up into a ball like a roly poly until my insides dry out and I'm just a crustaceous husk made out of protein.
- I am grateful for the opportunity to live out my childhood dream as a writer. To have the freedom, the time, and the means to do so is something that people dream of having.
- I am grateful for creature comforts like wool sweaters, cute plants to look at, warm skin to snuggle up to, and brisk air that makes ruddy cheeks.
- I am grateful for pain. I'm not sure if this makes me a masochist or a weirdo, but I'm grateful for pain. There is something about it that makes me feel alive. I don't fear it. I think in some way that may be a place for me to examine.
- I am grateful for the people in my life. My family who care about me, my friends who accept me, and my partner who supports me.
Farmington, CT - 5/6/19
Tomorrow's Lesson 7 is on Uncovering Belief Systems
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