Business is Booming says Italian American Tombstone Distributor

With more and more students preparing to go to college, many are wondering if a four-year degree is a good investment and whether the skills they acquire in college will be useful when they enter the job market.

With youth unemployment at 9.4% and many young people working part time in temporary positions, things can often look bleak for recent graduates. But things couldn’t be brighter for Vito Cavatelli, a tombstone distributor in Elizabeth, New Jersey.

We caught up with Cavatelli after a short drive through the Lincoln Tunnel.

“The fuckin’ tombstone business is booming! I’m up to my fuckin’ neck in tombstone orders! Sometimes I can hardly keep up. We’ve been blessed. Things are so good we are looking to expand into Bloomfield, Bayonne and Perth Amboy,” said an ebullient Cavatelli in his cramped office adorned with three “Scarface” movie posters and a framed picture of Rudy Giuliani.

“I’d like to show you something. Ain’t she a beauty? We call this model the Gravemaster 3000. You hear that?” Cavatelli says, knocking on the headstone “That’s limestone. 100% real limestone, baby. If you’re gonna go, go out in style. That’s the way I see it. You know, a lot of people don’t think about buying a tombstone until the last minute. They don’t see it as an investment, but while a car might last you a few years, a tombstone is for eternity”.

Cavatelli clearly takes pride in his work, smiling ear to ear as he points to an industry award.

“You see this? We call this the “Toomie”. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but we are the third largest tombstone distributor in the tri-state area. We are thinking of going national, because there has never been a better time for tombstones”.

We followed Cavatelli around town. As a businessman and active member of the Greater Elizabeth Chamber of Commerce, he has provided locals with many well-paying jobs in a city that has otherwise been struggling economically. “Vito Cavatelli is a pillar of the community,” states Carmine Sppatafore, Elizabeth Chamber of Commerce President. “Could I get some gabagool, here,” Cavatelli replied.

“It all started when My Grandfather came here from Sicily. Naturally, he had a hard time finding a job since he was Italian so he took a job as a gravedigger and worked his ass off. After a while, him and some of his other fellow gravediggers chipped in their money and started a tombstone business… the American Dream”.

“Ma’am, I understand your concerns, but the Gravemaster 3000 deluxe package is the industry standard for luxury tombstones and that covers the whole family, by the way. You can’t put a price on the afterlife” Cavatelli makes the pitch, wearing a telephone headset. “I don’t see why you need to check with your husband. I’m sure he also wants the best for you. Just tell me what I have to do to make you happy and put you in this casket? You want us to throw in a free bouquet of flowers? Done! Pleasure doing business with you.” Cavatelli, rising from his desk shouts to his sales team “that’s how you do it baby, let’s put her up on the big board!”

As Cavatelli closes the deal a stunningly attractive woman enters the room. She has the face of an angel. It seems as if the once buzzing office has come to a standstill as the employees stand in awe of the beauty that has deigned to grace the workplace with her divine presence.

“I’d like to introduce you to my wife, Svetlana” says Cavatelli. Taking out a wad of crisp one hundred dollar bills, he authoritatively deals out $2000 and says “buy yourself something nice”.

Leaving the office with Cavatelli I was surprised to see the entire staff of some 200 employees come out to bid me farewell on the warehouse floor. Cavatelli, in his thick, fast-talking New Jersey accent marshaled me to a particularly beautiful tombstone”.

“Listen,” Cavatelli said. “You did a real good job on this report, so some of the boys and I chipped in to get you a little something. It’s a tombstone. The epitaph says ‘he was a great guy. We can get that changed if you don’t like it”.