Are You a High Hopes Parent? How Your Positive Thinking Affects Your Child

Quick ... which song won an Oscar for best song of the year in 1959?

If you know this anecdote, congratulations! It was the song, High Hopes in the movie, Hole in the Head (not the most famous movie, I admit). The song became more populous after Frank Sinatra recorded it in 1961.

In the wake of today's turbulence, the words seem trite:

Next time you're on your chin to the ground

There is a lot to learn, so take a look around.

Just what makes this little ant

Do you think he's going to move this rubber plant?

Everyone knows that an ant cannot move a rubber tree plant,

But he has high hopes, he has high hopes ...

And the ant probably cannot move a rubber tree plant on its own, but if it keeps enough hope, its probability of success increases, because with a hopeful attitude, inspiration has a place to strike. . And with hope, resilience reigns. Without it, desperation can cripple and slow effective solutions to a standstill.

The high hopes may seem like a myth when we look today at all the suffering, the defragmentation, the unhappiness and the fear, the terror and the paranoia. Yet brain research continues to gather evidence that hopeful people are more effective problem solutions. In addition, it is very clear that what we pay attention to is growing. And conversely, what we don't pay attention to is shrinking. If we focus on our hope, our hope grows. If we are in despair ... well, that of course erases our hope.

Do we see our son's strengths or are we overwhelmed by his lack of motivation? If we do not pay attention to his strengths, surely they will not grow and the motivation "problem" will surely increase. Do we notice our daughter's thoughtfulness or do we always comment on her grumpy? This is the way to make the grumpy grow up. The human brain is not some fancy device that acts at random. No, it acts according to a set of finely tuned principles. And one of those major tenets is that focusing our attention span, to a large extent, creates the reality that we live in. It's not the New Age jumbo, although novices have capitalized on this fascinating aspect of our brain's operating system. There has been a lot of academic research on the subject. In fact, Appreciative Inquiry, one of the cornerstones of the PCI coaching model is a process methodology that emerges from this research. Appreciative inquiry itself has been researched to work powerfully as it applies strategies taking into account the propensities of the human brain.

The point is that hope will increase if we pay attention to encouraging events. Soon there are more encouraging things to discuss and our speech is filled with hope. With more hope in front of us, we spot it in others and in our world more often and faster. Before we know it, the negative things are decreasing due to lack of attention and the positives are increasing - almost like magic! Of course, then we become more optimistic ... the upward spiral continues ... more good things are happening.

Our world challenges us to turn our attention to hopes, to what brings and improves lives. And I believe it deeply affects our parenting role. How can we stay focused on hope, on the positive, and on what works in our daily lives with our children?
Here are five considerations for optimistic parenting in these difficult times.

In his research, CR Synder (The Psychology of Hope, The Free Press, 1994) found these important indicators:

1. Hopeful parents know how to get what they want. They are determined and like to be enterprising and flexible, especially in difficult times. Determination can be found by having a clear vision of what we want for our children and families. Determination means having the mental energy and physical stamina to stay with a challenge long enough for an effective solution to occur. If we give up, we can be sure to be overcome. Your self-care goes a long way in helping you stay determined when the going gets tough. Watch out for signs of the urge to give up. Instead, think about what you can give to yourself and your children that will emphasize your internal strengths and increase your persistence.

2. Hopeful parents listen well. Listening to and paying close attention to our children's strengths increases our flexibility to change courses if our parenting strategy isn't getting the results we're looking for. Often times we can learn from our children what we need once we go with our gut and answer this question of our integrity: What will bring more life to this situation? Looking at our children from this perspective, we may suddenly find ourselves noticing a lot of things that we can do to make them feel fulfilled, so that they appreciate their talents in the moment and look forward to their future with hope.

3. Children consider hopeful parents to be successful. It seems that hopeful parents demonstrate their empowerment by feeling successful. This definition of success is not the definition that seems to be the one our world cares about - big house, big car, a lot of money, etc. Rather, success is measured as “having high self-esteem and positive self-images”. It affects children on many levels - positive parents with high self-esteem grow up to be hopeful, happy, and confident children with high self-esteem!

4. Hopeful parents take comfort in each other. When things get scary or really difficult, hopeful parents comfort children and act in solidarity in high stress situations. Being there emotionally is a hallmark of more optimistic parents. They don't let negative energies affect their ability to be present and available to their children. They are able to keep negativity at bay so that children do not translate it as, "There is no time for me." Anxious parents cannot be receptive to the emotional needs of children. Hopeful parents instill confidence and openness in the parent-child communication process, keeping these doors open, even during adolescence!

5. Hopeful parents support children's autonomy and competence. This does not mean that all is well. What this means is that by focusing on what the child does well every day, over time the parent builds a strong sense of self in the child. With this comes the conviction in the child of his talents and skills. In the words of one of the children in Synder's research: “The most important thing I remember about my parents is that they taught me to do things on my own. But I always knew they were there for me if I got into a traffic jam. .If I messed up something, they were talking with me and not with me. "

It seems the main thing about parenting that brings high hopes is that it can help us keep our best, even through tough times, and bring out the best in our children.

So anything is possible ... for us, our children ... even our world.

Copyright Gloria DeGaetano, 2010. All rights reserved.