A letter to melancholy

Somewhere,
Calm and unruffled, a cerulean pool of hollowness, it seemed like mass of space dotted with stars that made that somewhat obscure space more phosphorescent and vivid for my brain to visualize, such a calm universe, if I had visited it in my nightly surreality, I would have wished I was desolated in it, floating in the surroundings and the comfort of the absence of risk and anguish, perhaps I’d feel incomplete now, at a certain time, it would have been a comfort to be alone, I had no choice, I used to choose the lesser of two evils, disquiet or quiet, not I am no longer half, I am complete, and I don’t have to make that choice, the perplexity of my thoughts and uneasiness every time that you look right through me, you read me, you heal me, you feed my heart with affection and passion, fervor and warmth, you are the only sanctuary to my restless spirit.

As a child, my mind enjoyed a sparkle of chaos. We get easily bored as children, we need to beat, collide, crash, knock everything around, touch all that is forbidden, in a way we try to understand the reason behind our existence, we try so thouroughtly to distinguish the exact cause and objective of our presence on this terrestrial sphere, why do we be and why do we do, is it to use this unknown substance – as you reach a crackling fire with your minuscule fingers – and perhaps a worried mother would save you from finding out and undergo the consequences, and possibly she won’t and you will suffer the consequences and end up being the subject of misjudgments of the limited human understanding capabilities, they will point out the dissimilarities that they don’t possess, they are afraid of the unknown, you will say it is jouvenile dullness of mind whenever they ask about your scar, the one you got from running just a little faster than the others, you were a little more excited than the others, a little more hungry to figure out the cosmos than the others, or that burn you got from listening to your guts without the presence of an older human who hasn’t figured it out either but lived long enough to know that heat burns up your skin and leaves one of those human concepts they perceive as scars, an interesting word itself that leads to a certain dichotomy, and this is where two divided types of people will surface. Some of you has thought of a mark on the skin which is the result of a healed wound as soon as you read that word, and some thought of the first time you couldn’t get out of bed because your body wasn’t complying to your commands, because your mind wasn’t compying to your demands either, your mind made sure you stay safe in your bed, your mind even attempted to make you sleep some more, just some more, delusion is better than reality today, and you’re not entirely here, a little part of you was hanging on to what happened, only you know what happened, others won’t understand, and even if they ausculate your words because they believe it’s the “right” thing to do, they don’t feel it, they don’t understand, how can they understand how you feel. “Can they tolerate it?”, you ask yourself. They can’t, they can only interpret into their own half savvy potential –you-can-do-it – advice and same old worn out cassette, that will do you more harm than good, it will harm you, so you won’t let them in, your mind will protect you like a possessive mother that you never had, she will keep you safe, she will keep all those “others” away, she will make all of your nightmares come true. It is already 11:30 PM, and you still can’t move yet, it’s killing you, you need to do something, we need to do something, if perhaps me and her work as a team, she will be nicer, she won’t bully me, she won’t paralyze me, she will work with me, “we need to answer our friend’s text, they seem excited, we need to answer them, can we? Will you help me answer them back? Will you just answer me? Why are you silent all of a sudden? I need answers? I am the beholder of this body and I demand answers! But you don’t care, do you?”, you say, I say, and here it comes, like a sudden dim and crepuscular cumulonimbus cencentration in the core of your universe, our universe, it is here to absorb all our little survival elements, our hope, our need to survival itself becomes nothing, shattered, like the rest of your emotions, our emotions. For those who thought about the medical concept of the word, you envy them, I envy them too, don’t worry, you are allowed to envy those who didn’t think about laying in that bed paralyzed, with the palms of your hands that save you, they are not traitors, not like her, they hide you, they block away the outside world, they block away all that destructive field of force that duplicates just like fragments of uranium that lead to a chain reaction of radioactive thoughts that makes you wonder, but really wonder, because we can’t think, but we want to wander away in our thought, but we can’t think, not now, she can hear us, and she will try to destroy us again, she will try to paralyze us, end us. But we won’t let her, not this time, not now, not anymore, my cure never ceases to cure me, it keeps on curing me, it never ends, just like that chain reaction that spreads spontaneously, your cure spreads as fast and even faster, I am no longer an entity, I am real, I was real, all this time, I wasn’t just a projection of my own fears, my own feelings, I am real.