Should Guys Defend Aziz or Just Shut the Hell Up?
The public discourse surrounding the #metoo movement is an awesome step forward in women’s rights and the ability to stand up speak about abuses and harassment. But with any movement forward, there is a public discourse that must be had. Since Harvey, and all the rape-y, potted plant jizzing crap that guy was outed for, the level of assault and harassment seemed to taper off which each new allegation. We had Kevin Spacey grabbing ass and saying shit on set, and Louis C.K. pulling his dick out in his hotel rooms in front of female comics that, while not restrained, felt prevented from leaving.
Then we had James Franco being accused of coercing women to blow him in his car (which some women responded to with, “hey, he’s hot, I probably would have blown him too.)
So the issue is complicated, but no more so than the blog posted with regards to a date gone shitty with Aziz Ansari. They went on a date, they went back to his place, the started to fool around. And then she got uncomfortable. And then she stayed, and they started to make out, and some handy/mouthy stuff happened and then again she felt uncomfortable, pulled the e-brake and left. When he texted her the next day to say he had a great time, she responded that the night was not great for her and that she felt he crossed the line.
And then all hell broke loose. People coming to Aziz’s defense, and people calling for his head. It’s worth noting that not only did Ansari produce, write and star in a show called MASTER OF NONE that took an in-depth look at love in the modern era, he actually researched for a year for a book he co-wrote called “Modern Romance” where he goes through every facet of the every more horrible dating scene that we live in nowadays. He explores old people fucking, arranged marriage, sexting, texting, dating apps, and bar pickups. He’s a sensitive, caring feminist that also happens to be an awkward short comedian.
But with all the sympathy I have for him (and the relating I can do to him bringing a girl back to his place, and then having her leave before the sex) it’s always felt weird to publicly defend him. Every single time I’ve been in a conversation where it came up, I felt like just some jock saying claiming the girl had it coming, or some asshole defense attorney claiming if she dressed that way she was asking for it.
The #metoo movement isn’t about me. Or you, if the you I’m pointing at is some guy who just HAPPENS to never have raped or assaulted somebody. We’re all guilty of making some girl feel uncomfortable at some point even with our best intentions, and we need to let the discourse happen in as open an listening of an environment as possible.
Or am I wrong? Is it ok to stand up and say that girl was not abused in anyway, bad dates are just bad dates sometimes, and if a guy can’t take a swing and strike out with a girl, or a sexual encounter then what the hell is he supposed to do?
You tell me. Love to hear your thoughts below.
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Human sexual relations will forever be a minefield on the battlefield that pits men against women. And then it's further complicated by the fact accepted attitudes of the time change over time.
Whilst no-one would ever (normally) want violence in a relationship, sexual attacks or simple bad sex, we have to accept that we all live somewhere on our very own learning curves. We all start off inexperienced nubes. In a Hollywood romance things generally work out perfect. But that's just fiction. With real life often nothing like that.
So, there will always be sex crimes (rape has been documented enough in the animal kingdom so - the rule of law aside - why should we expect any better of ourselves?). There will always be bad sex, too. And it's possible the person upset won't always be the woman, even (most times, it will be though). So, to a degree, we have to accept it as the seedy little fact of life it is.
Of course, that's not to say we shouldn't forever aim to minimise the chance of sexual assaults / bad sex from happening. We should keep up with the publicity and good people will no doubt ensure we do.
Ultimately, we're all responsible for our own actions. Well at least, when the accused. We should all try to ensure we're never the victim as well, though. By being vigilant. (This is in no way an attempt at victim blaming, I hasten to add. It's just we've got to be realists. Some rapists are unknown to their victims. Most aren't though.) The law will not always see justice served and it's got to be better to simply avoid the need for the law getting involved in your affairs, wherever possible? Obviously.
As I said, it's quite the minefield. Though if you're lucky you'll get to skip between those pitfalls with out losing an arm or a leg (so to speak).
The woman with Aziz certainly seemed to get off rather lightly, all things considered and, therefore, I'm not sure what all the fuss is about, there. That is, if there is a fuss, still. I thought it had totally blown over for him - and rightly so. Is he still being publicly vilified?
As a woman who has been through child sexual abuse, rape in my late teens, and worked as a female security guard at college bars before moving into the corporate world, I find the #metoo movement an interesting one. I find it both empowering and completely disenfranchising.
It is says that any sexual advance that I did not consent to is abuse. While I certainly used to get annoyed and disgusted that drunk men used to think that it was ok to pinch my arse or cop a feel while I was working security, I don't feel, unlike many of my colleagues, that it would count as part of the metoo movement but when a client (who was a lawyer) did it when I was working corporate then I felt powerless and I could start to see their point. This was based on the power imbalance and the setting and how much I could lose by standing up for my rights which for many women would have made them voiceless.
I do however feel that in some ways the metoo movement has made it seem like the abuse of women is so widespread that I have seen many people roll their eyes or say things like "oh no, did he dare say he liked your dress! How horrible" to women, when they didn't even ask what the event was, with such venom and sarcasim that you see them retreat further than the movement allowed them to reach out. I also know some rape and csa survivors/victims/'choose your term' who feel their experience is now often met with phrases like oh metoo only to relay a experience of sexual harassment not assault.
I also fear their world my future sons/nephews/etc are going to grow up in, while I am 100% for consent and no at any stage means stop, so often we are hearing the scenario of she said yes last night and today she says I forced her, not by force but emotionally, coercion, or “took advantage of me in my weaken state”. Now I do not mean fall down drunk, a friend recently had his name smeared as he slept with a girl on the rebound and she regretted it the next day, another got hit in the separation proceedings with emotional sexual abuse for saying to his then partner "I don't know I can stay with our current sex life". I know both these women and have heard their sides and it matches the guys versions! Do we need signed agreements of consent prior to holding hands with a checkbox for each step? There seems to be a trendiness to it that is more than concerning as well as a culture self-victimisation.
It is for this reason when I hear about the metoo movement the first thing I think is NotMe!
Men need to stand up for each other, not in the way frat boys put "bros before hoes" but in the way rational men stand up for reasonable outcomes and social narratives. Part of this is calling out men when they are wrong, loudly, the other is by calling out women when they are wrong. Next day regrets shouldn't cloud the issue of sexual harassment or assault and bad dates don't need the courts to butt in.
Great article about womens rights & ability to stand up speak about abuses and harassment that's good but womens should care herself thanks @writesbackwards for rising your opinion & reviews for womens keep it up sir.
My opinion is that I should shut the hell up. I am not, nor ever will I be, a woman; therefore, it is not for me to determine whether a woman's sense that she was violated are legitimate or not. Good job @writesbackwards am following you for more
She allowed the guy to play "games" with her. I think that's a red flag. She should have just leave if she's not comfortable with what they're doing there. If both sides will be heard then that's better.
yes boys should, no one know reality may be someone take a kind of revenge.
Tricky subject to comment on, to be honest. I am a 30 year old male and I can't really speak on the #metoo movement because I don't understand it from the perspective it needs to be seen from.
I know women who have been abused before (to varying degree) and it's embarrassing because even though I am not like that, I get lumped into the generalist hive with every other piece of shit male who decided to so something unsavoury.
In the case of Aziz, we don't know the facts of the situation or what really happened because we weren't there. But I think many of us men can sympathise somewhat and see ourselves being in that situation (or can recall a similar situation).
Everything is so murky these days, it's hard to know what's right or wrong, even with good intentions. Maybe Aziz misread the situation, we don't know. It doesn't sound like he intentionally did anything against anyone's will.
great.