I like the story, but I'm left waiting for the next part. Will there be another part?

I would also suggest more paragraph breaks to make it easier on the online eye. It really helps. Take a look at one of my book posts for an example of how I do it. You can even use three asterisks (*) to make a line between sections.

I found you because @stever82 featured you for the Pay it Forward Curation contest. Keep up the great work!