Open Relationships A path to hell ( for me)

This is an article I wrote about what it feels like to be in a very challenging place in an open relationship. This challenge was handled by opening to a grander presence and doing nothing but letting it fix itself. The fixing came in the form of bodily infections, and nasty antibiotics that have now altered my life too much. Enjoy.

Kill the ME and the Relationship

My great love is dating another guy. They are in love. Watching this is super painful. It places me in this place of utter pain always. The pain is so bad that if I leave, I am stepping into living alone. Everything I have been experiencing will be gone. The relationship with her daughter, her friends, family, neighbors, my gym memberships and even the gigs I have set up in her area to be with her.

We went from wanting to live together to now an open relationship. She tells me she does not want a relationship anymore and living together scares her. Yet in the same breath does not ever want to lose me or not have me here with her. What a mess, and very confusing.

So in the nutshell. " Stay with me and bite the pain of me not being sure what I want as I go off with another lover here and there"

I have two choices as I see it. 1. leave and end this and go back on my own. 2. Stay and watch and put up with this and work with my anger, jealousy and the pain that is there.

If I stay it becomes a battle of inner wisdom to handle this head on.

Eckart Tolle, author of the Power of Now says when problems exist. "either change the situation, leave the situation or see through it."

I don't want to leave and I can't change what is happening. This leaves me with seeing through it.

Alright ,lets put on the rain gear and go face the storm direct head on right here.

(Photo by Hans-Peter Gauster on Unsplash)

Relationships are what really? Can I touch this relationship? Smear jelly on it? Really where is it? What does it do? It seems like its something that drains you, keeps you up at night and worried. Yet where exactly is it? As I investigate, it cant be found? It has no physical place or even energy that is consistently appearing as good, or bad.

It waivers. As a thought, it colors as good or bad, back and forth with no real solid place that is always is. Yet we think if the relationship is good, then we are going to feel good. And we experience if the relationship is bad then we feel bad. We also think, that if the relationship keeps going then we keep seeing whoever is the representative of that relationship.

Does a relationship have to be there in order to see another person? I see other people all the time and we don't have a relationship. I see clerks, and waiters and skateboarders. I enjoy their company as they light into my life. Just for a fleeting moment. Yet there is no relationship? or is there?

The definition of relationship is to "be interrelated, having tones and tonalities" This is not something of the mind, its of energy vibration and tone. Tones and vibrations don't need a mental story to connect. They don't need an agreement. Are we then all connected in a tone already? Are their borders and boundaries to tones? In music, a G chord can ring out and sound sweet as its followed by a C chord. Yet can sound odd as its followed by a B7th. These are both tones that do echo and paint space, whether pleasant or not. (ok i am getting off track here i think, hmm.. )

The point I am making here is relationships are more of a vibration vs a thought. They are a feeling of connecting through energy. "I feel you". So even the married couple that is sitting across the table in a divorce mediation, lost in mind may have a moment where they stop and feel each other in tone. They are still connected and in a relationship. Even though the mind says otherwise based upon story and events which appeared to separate them due to more and more other stories.

Our minds create separation. "what is wrong with right now until you think about it" - Bob Adamson.

(Photo by Anthony Cantin on Unsplash)

So to see through a relationship challenge. Kill it. Kill the relationship, give up the mental construct of this relationship fixing anything. Kill the story, let go into what is here. Ask " what is here?" answer - just this....Just this present awareness patterning as thoughts of being separated of feeling alone, of feeling sad.

To kill a relationship you have to kill the ME. You... have to kill the Me. There are two characters just mentioned there. YOU and ME. What is the YOU? -
(boundless presence) The ME is a story an idea an image, a thought.

In a deeper look, there never has been or is a ME. The Me offers the feeling of being separated. These thoughts make me feel hurt because of their untruth. Living in just this presence is the key to happiness. Let the relationship go and run as it does, let the expressions of it bloom where they do. This is the only way.

Fixing or leaving just further supports the feeling of a separate ME, then creating another story to hold up or watch or heal from. This Me then has to heal and get back to wholeness, or this ME has to work at trust and getting another separate Me to another place. uuuuugghhh... this is exhausting to hold up.

Why not right now go into "what is here" this present awareness appearing as everything and release the ME and the relationship? Truth and happiness are there in that place, and tones and energies of all await in song. A score sits waiting to be played. The notes of silence and stillness.

SO maybe i have walked into this storm directly now and see that it is just the sky the whole time. The tones are stillness, the relationship has been stillness the whole time. And no matter what happens... if my lover goes off with another in this story of an open relationship? Am I not stillness always? Does any action another person does ever touch the presence I am? Does the ugly orange couch ever affect the space of the room? Does the storm cloud scratch the sky?

I am in the crossroads of life now. We all are. This place is the moment to choose who we are? Are we going to continue to be the separate mind self chasing stories to be a certain way? To offering fleeting moments of happiness, or are we going to step into what does not change and offers HOME. ?

Note - Living as the OPEN HOME, as present awareness, will shift also any relationship, by shifting how I walk into a room. Living as present awareness clear the mind and body, and offers a state of grace, this grace is love. Love is...

The rest of the stories around it will be THAT too then. They are that, its pure physics.

Ok, this 3 am writer now feels better time to go back to bed.