There's No such Thing as Fish

It is only with a heavy heart that I can deliver today's subject.

Because I understand that this is a sensitive issue for many people. It ties into many of their identities, their thought processes, and their belief systems. It is near and dear to their hearts. And believe me, I do not trample on those cherished beliefs lightly.

But I am required to do this, for the sake of our collective sanity, to restore our lives and our daily discourse, to help the world heal.

So, though I may endure great hardship and ridicule for bringing these facts to light, my duty to myself and to all of you is clear. Whatever cost I may be called to pay, I have to let the truth be known, and break down the delusion we have all been living under. So, without further delay, here is my disturbing revelation to you all:

There's no such thing as fish.

Whaaaaat?

Fish don't exist. They're a story that people tell each other to try to make sense of this chaotic, fishless world. But you cannot find them anywhere. No one has ever seen one. No one has ever touched one. And no one can prove that they're real because, naturally, they aren't.

Now, of course, most people secretly know this already. The obvious absence of fish is a dead giveaway for those of us who are more enlightened. But that does not stop a large contingent of people from asserting that fish are real---a notion as absurd as it is easily disproven.

To drive this point home, let us go back to the first time you started believing in fish.

Your Parents Lied to You

Chances are good that the very first time you were told about fish, it was from your parents. You were also likely quite young, and incapable of dealing with the hard facts of life and the real world.

So it is understandable that they would mislead you with strange stories about the existence of mysterious underwater creatures. No doubt they were trying to warn you away from deep bodies of water and other places where you could drown. "Don't go into the pool by yourself, darling, or else all those scary fish will nibble your toes."

Now, you might object to this characterization. A lot of people have a hard time believing that their loving parents would ever lie to them. But parents do it all the time. Let us not forget the tooth fairy and the boogeyman, not to mention all the broken promises about coming to your soccer tournament and taking you to Disneyland.

Parents are clearly not trustworthy authorities on this, or any, subject.

But What about Books, Movies, and TV?

Indeed, I have little doubt that you have heard detailed accounts of fish, and maybe even seen pictures or videos of them in mass media.

But none of these are reliable. For example, do you know which author wrote perhaps the most famous book about fish in the world?

That's right: Dr. Seuss.

So unless you're prepared to start believing in Grinches, Loraxes, and elephant birds, I suggest you think twice about proclaiming the existence of fish.

"But what about the photograpic evidence?" you might ask. "Surely, if we have photographs of fish, then they must be real."

I hear your argument, and I sympathize. But do you know what other mythical aquatic creature we have supposed photographic evidence of?

The Loch Ness monster.

The above picture of Nessie fooled thousands of people into believing in her existence until the hoaxters who took the photo revealed their deception.

Thus we see that photographic evidence is not really evidence at all.

And what person alive today has not beheld the marvels of computer animation?

The most fantastic of creatures can be rendered so perfectly, even against a live-action background, as to make the illusion indistinguishable from reality. Every animal of myth, from dragons to unicorns to fish, have been portrayed with this technology, sometimes even for the purpose of hoaxes.

For example, in 2012 the Discovery Channel aired a fake documentary claiming the existence of mermaids. As part of the promotional material for this show, commercials were aired featuring computer animated mermaids inserted into live-action video footage, suggesting that the Discovery Channel had recorded evidence proving the existence of mermaids. And many people were deceived.

We must ever be careful not to repeat the mistakes of history.

But What about the Fish I Buy at the Grocery Store?

Right, and the "crab meat" that they sell there is surely authentic crab.

Now, I don't doubt that you've seen some or other product being advertised as fish meat. Such sights are commonplace in food markets, after all.

But before you begin a dangerous misinformation campaign, take a moment to consider whether what you're seeing actually confirms the existence of so-called fish.

The "fish" that you see sold in stores comes as a slab of featureless meat wrapped in plastic---a thing which could have been extracted from any conceivable animal. Yet the "fish" label is slapped on it without any closer examination of the meat's origins.

Seems kind of fishy if you ask me (and, naturally, the adjective "fishy" is derived from the mass deception caused by the fish myth).

While those "fish" filets may be packed with protein, they fail as a reliable dietary source of authenticity.

And What about Fish as Pets?

Granted, you may have memories of owning one or more fish as pets, particularly during childhood. Perhaps you had a goldfish bowl or a small fishtank in your bedroom.

Did that fish tank, perhaps, look something like this?

This is, I'm afraid, another deception on behalf of your parents.

Because all children want to have pets, but dogs and cats are messy, high-maintenance liabilities that ruin your home's property values. So parents find ways to cheat their children of the experience of pet ownership.

What better way to pull off a bait-and-switch than to promise the child a strange and magical kind of pet that always stays in one place and never defecates on the floor or furniture? And since the child cannot interact with this pet directly, he has no way of identifying it as a fake. Everyone wins.

It should be noted that the same strategy was employed, decades ago, to sell children "pet rocks", though this campaign was not nearly as successful, nor as long lasting, as the pet fish hoax (likely because rocks are real things, whereas fish are unfalsifiable).

Conclusion: Fish don't Exist

They don't, and it's high time for everyone in the world to accept this. Once we have emancipated ourselves from the shackles of fish-belief, we can deal with our lives as they really are---a fish-free horizon of infinite possibilities (except for any possibilities that require the existence of fish).

And once again I must insist that I am prepared for whatever blowback I will receive for saying this. The global network of fishmongers is a powerful economic and lobbying force, preying upon the naive and willfully ignorant masses. All the truly cultured and enlightened people must band together to defend this line in the sand.

Together, we might just convince the world that fish aren't real.