numb

i started this white blank page for the longest time,
i wanted to sprawl it with beautiful words and thoughts but, i couldn’t.

reminded about how for the longest time,
i felt numb.
i didn’t remember how to feel,
the pain, anger, disappointment, joy, faith, they were always suppressed inside of me to feel one emotion,
the emotion of absolutely nothing.
i thought, maybe i’d be better not feeling anything.
as i watched people slowly walk out of my life,
i didn’t feel the sadness or the loneliness.
as people had betrayed me,
i didn’t feel the hatred or the anger build.
as memories were created,
i didn’t feel permanent happiness but, short feelings of bliss.

i soon realised that i had forgotten what it was like to hurt and what it was like to love.
i felt tears slowly built in my eyes, clouding my vision.
i didn’t understand until i realised that i felt something within me and that something was fear.
the fear of being numb and immune.

i wanted to feel again,
i didn’t want to break anymore.
i wanted to heal and i wanted to love.