2018 In Retrospect - 2019 In Anticipation

I don’t think I have ever written anything in retrospect, and the most I’ve done about the following year, is list stuff I’d like to accomplish. I want to give something more meaningful a go.

The above is a link.
Last year's 2018 killing 2017, I hope Heri Shinato posts a new one tomorrow.

In retrospect

2018 had without a doubt the most negative impact on my life. I went from having a future planned with a family, to being completely uncertain about everything.
I started 2018 with the belief that I could be part of a family of my two partners, the partner of one of them, and myself. That we could raise a child, together. That we could share things, for a long time.
This belief was ungrounded. The relationship between my two partners was never good, in fact, it was bad. Very bad.
In June My nesting partner broke up with my other partner, and it was ugly, explosive, and traumatic for everyone involved.
Since then, we’ve all been picking up the pieces, but I’ll only write about myself.
I don’t want to go over events, or feelings, but rather what I learned from it.

The first thing that comes to mind, is that I must not stick my nose in other people’s relationships. I have tried numerous times to mediate between them, and it only prolonged the inevitable, increased everyone’s pain, and made it so much worse when it finally ended.

Next, and I already knew this, but I was blind to it, is that relationships are between people, and the fact the relationship structure is something you want, is not reason enough to try and push people into that structure. Let relationships form how they want, how they should, on their own.

Don’t interpret other people’s feelings. Don’t say how someone is feeling if they haven’t told you they feel that way. Don’t say what someone wants if they haven’t told you that’s what they want. Just don’t put words in other people’s mouths. It is never going to be accurate, will only cause confusion and will do more harm than good.

Other than that, I have also made progress in my self-discovery. I have recently decided to explore taking hormones. I still haven’t scheduled an appointment, but given the will, I should be doing it in the coming days.

I’m feeling closer to the tipping point where I’ll feel ok saying I’m a woman, and not feel like I’m pretending. Though I’m still not sure if I’ll ever identify as a trans woman, or stay with non-binary transfeminine. We’ll see.

I managed to participate in Ludum Dare, after being absent for a long time.

I have not worked on my game nearly enough.

I have regained a lot of weight I lost.

I broke a rib.

I’ve been to Japan, and it wasn’t as exciting as the first time, which is sad.

In anticipation

I’m looking forward to finding a new future. A future I can feel safe in again. A future that works.

I’m looking forward to having my own room at my partner’s house. A place I can really say is my own. I haven’t had a room just for myself since I moved out 13 years ago.

I’m looking forward to working on my game, and possibly completing it.

I’m looking forward to joining more Ludum Dare, maybe all 3 of 2019.

I’m looking forward to rebuilding my relationship with my nesting partner, or ending it. I prefer the former, but even an end will be a resolution I am looking forward to.

I’m looking forward to getting into shape. I’ve been slacking, but over the past couple of months I’ve been picking it up again.

I’m looking forward to many more experiences with @techslut.

I’m looking forward to taking hormones, and seeing how it affects me.

I’m looking forward to more Yoga and feeling stronger and having less pain.

I’m looking forward to seeing how @techslut’s business venture goes.

I’m looking forward to meeting new people.

I’m looking forward to my @mistress exploring how to use me best.

I’m looking forward to playing lots of board games. Arkham Horror LCG, Keyforge, Gloomhaven and hopefully some new ones.

I’m looking forward to going to venice in February.

I’m looking forward to visiting @suesa and @reggaemuffin, I hope to find the time.

I’m looking forward to building things, renovating furniture, working with my hands.

I’m looking forward to my new manicurist helping me get the nail shape I want.

I’m looking forward to playing new video games.

I’m looking forward to all the things I can’t possibly foresee coming.