Being happy, even if it's a lie.
Original Drawing done by myself
It wasn't right for me to have to overshadow the happiness of others because of my thoughts and actions, and when that specific thought came up, I really wanted to put it all aside; I don't want a person to stop being happy about what I do. I am someone with very few screws, I am someone who has gone through a lot, who has fought against many demons; those demons attack even at times and those demons are difficult to control.
I'm someone who has many ups and downs, sometimes more than I can handle. I try to do it quietly, I have really tried to overcome them, and on many occasions I have failed. My instability oppresses me, my instability destroys me. I have failed more times than I would like to admit; and what causes the worst pain of the whole process is seeing their faces of disapproval, pain and anger when I tell them "I have failed".
So I've decided not to let them know about my advances, but not about my setbacks; I've decided to let them know about my victories, not about my failures. I've decided not to let them see me cry, and when they do, I've decided to make sure they're tears of happiness.
I have decided to create a wall, a huge wall, a wall that hides everything about me, that makes me feel safe. At least a little safe.
To do this I have sacrificed several things, unconsciously. I have sacrificed my closeness to my loved ones, I have sacrificed their trust; I have lied, I have denied, I have spoken too much, I have done many things that I am not proud of, they are things that I cannot easily forget.
Unfortunately, I realize it when I have already done it, and I regret it, but it is too late. And it is that just by repenting you do nothing, if you did something is already written in your life, as an image is carved in stone. Sometimes I imagine that if I were carving a great sculpture with my story, like Michelangelo's David, I would not be able to appreciate what his eyes are and what his nose is; I imagine that if someone were in charge of writing every detail of my life, it would be the very same Stephen King, who has some wonderful stories to appreciate from the world of literature, but not for reality.
On the other hand, I think my wall is the best thing I've ever done. Her happiness comes before mine, that's the greatest sacrifice I've ever made; sometimes I wonder how far I can go? I don't have an answer and, to be honest, I hope I don't have one yet.
For now I am a safe with an infinite combination, for now I live twice; for now I have two personalities, the one they see and the one I live, and sometimes I try to fool myself and live what they see in me.
Above all, I dare to say that there are many people who are the same as me; people who live the same way, with different motives. People who pretend to be happy and really try to be, but don't make it. People who have enough shadows, however, to overshadow the clarity and warmth of the sun.
