Woes me... Unmoored.

I am uninspired. I have not lost my way, I simply don’t have a way. I don’t have a destination, a goal. I’m floating, I have a motor, its working, but none of the islands look appealing to me. It was fine at first, but now the sun is beating down on me and the sharks are getting curious. Last night I dreamt a different metaphor; I couldn’t get my shoes on. When I finally did, they were the wrong shoes, they were my old hiking boots, the boots with with th soles falling off, and they were on the wrong feet. I had to get going, I was going to miss something, I was full of anxiety and fear, building more and more , I became more frustrated as I couldn’t do a simple thing like get my shoes on my feet.

I left my job last year, I went on a very long trip, I’m burnt out on traveling, I expected to figure some things out on the road, but I became unmotivated to do anything. I’m afraid, but don’t quite know of what, or maybe my fears are a swirling mass and too numerous to count.

I haven’t worked in over a year... and I have more money than I’ve ever had in my life. My investments are doing well. I don’t have to work for a couple more years. I fear draining my savings and I fear having to buy health insurance.

I gotta shit or get off the pot.

I’m staying with my parents. I’m a grown man, my mom is doing my laundry and my parents are feeding me, happy to have me here. But I don’t do ANYTHING. It’s been going on this way for about six weeks. I’m hoping I’m at that breaking point I expected to reach. I figured I ‘d come home, do nothing, enjoy it, then it would get depressing, and I’d start moving forward. I really hope I’m at the move forward point. I guess the scale has tipped from pleasure to displeasure. The pleasure disappearing and the displeasure collecting one grain at a time since I got here. There’s only so much Netflix a man can watch before it loses its appeal.

I have to choose a few things to try, but I’m not excited about ANY of them. I suppose trying things will help me discover new avenues to explore. This is a position I’ve always dreamt of being in and it’s scaring the bejeezus out of me.

I had a career in healthcare. I career I worked really hard to get into. It was lucrative and secure, but I hated it. It’s a job that people respect, but it always made me lose respect for myself because I wasn’t good at it and that’s not good when you’re taking care of people. I try to convince myself that.a new job will be different, but I’ve been unsuccessful in creating a rosy future in my mind.

I want to start my own online business(es). Make my living on the internet, but I don’t yet know how and fear I wont make money. I don’t know how I want to make money doing this. I’ve been listening to podcasts about entrepreneurs and more specifically internet entrepreneurs....

I just don’t like waking up at 0400 AM, not being able to fall back asleep,... Well, I fell asleep and woke up three times in an hour and got up just after 5 AM. I felt depressed. I had nothing on my my mind but felt like I wanted to cry...

Woes me...

I’ve reread what I wrote and I’m already arguing with the written words. This was helpful. Time to turn on the engine.