My Depression Notebook: I

Depressive. Depressive. I am depressive.

I very easily feel guilty, many times without even knowing of what. I sometimes think my life doesn't have any purpose; generally this thought comes after realizing I can't do a simple task like baking a cake. Most of the times I think I am not good enough... doesn't matter at what... I am just not enough... even if people say otherwise, I just can't believe I can really be good at anything. Suicidal thoughts... yes... more common than what anyone would think. Often? Yes. Like every month I get like this.

I am 28 years old, I have the most beautiful son on earth, I also have a college degree and I do very well at work... I help other people, I listen to them and I guide them to improve in academics and in life. I am not like the funniest person in the room, but people say I am cheerful. I am healthy, I don't think I'm bad looking, and I can get along very well with people. So... who would think I am depressive? Oh, that's the tricky part. I have been depressive for more than ten years, which means that, maybe when I was around twelve, I started to feel self hatred. I remember going out to school or just buying something, was really difficult; I used to feel ugly, then inappropriate, and after, akward. But I still had to carry on with that thing called teenagehood, which I really wasn't understanding very well; all of this, without my mom and siblings noticing, of course.

The thing about this is that you feel like you have two lives, a part of me wants to sink completely, and other wants to talk because it thinks it is healthier... and it naturally chooses health, and love, and peace.. but the other, just wants to meet a black and silent end. Few people, have known this down side of me, and most people, would never guess.

So please, allow me the opportunity to make something clear: I tell you about my shitty experience just because, a brigther side of me, has hope in something good coming out of my darker side: like helping others to at least, realize they're not alone in this.!